Every spouse in every marriage will, at some point, want to talk to others about some private marital struggles. Many just want someone to listen, or to understand the hurt, anger or confusion they are going through. Susan and I have had our moments of venting to friends in our 28 years of marriage.

But sharing things carelessly, to the wrong person at the wrong time, can change a problem into a full-blown crisis. Before baring marital problems to others, there are nine things below you might consider.

Trained professionals who handle firearms, manage complex work systems, work in law enforcement, or serve in the military are taught to be alert, ready to respond to threats at a moment’s notice based on what is called “situational awareness.” But they’re also taught that treating everything like a high-level threat will exhaust them, lead to costly and dangerous mistakes, and diminish their effectiveness. Similarly, in marriage, it’s important to be alert to threats, but a constant defensive stance can exhaust or smother the marriage

In this increasingly busy world, it’s all too easy for couples to quietly drift apart. Sure, they share a home and parenting responsibilities. There are no big problems in their relationship and they love each other. But bit by bit they lose their sense of real connection in their marriage and life together