When my friend decided to sell his house, the home inspection revealed cracks in the foundation. His realtor told him that no one would buy the house until the foundation was secured. Cracks in the foundation, even small ones, can make the structure of the house unstable. So, it’s important for it to be solid.
The same is true about marriage. A foundation of love, care, and sacrifice will lead to a strong marriage. However, there are negative attitudes and behaviors that are cracks and can cause major relational problems, even when they appear small. It’s important to root out these things. There’s one attitude I’ve been thinking about lately that I think we all have to some degree. We need to identify it and reject it. Here’s what it is.
Pride
Pride is one of the most dangerous things to a marriage. People consumed by pride tend to be self-focused, have an inflated ego, care more about winning than the relationship, and always think they’re right—always. This is going to create a lot of conflict. And it’s probably because pride will produce criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and shutting down from each other. Pertaining to marriage, relationship expert John Gottman calls these the four horsemen of the apocalypse. When a marriage has these four, it’s likely to fail, and pride is a powerful source for each.
The Pain of Even Small Amounts of Pride
Now, you may be thinking, “That’s not me.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “Yes! That’s my spouse!” Let me stop you for a second. Maybe you’re right. Perhaps you have a prideful spouse or you don’t have a proud disposition. But even a small amount of pride can cause at least some of the problems above. We need to look at ourselves thoroughly before pointing the finger anywhere else.
Signs of Pride
Ask yourself these questions: Do you make each conversation about you? Are you needy for affirmation? How often do you ask your spouse for his or her opinion? Do you value your spouse’s opinion and seek it out? Or do you consistently think less of his or her opinion? Are you unbending? When your spouse disagrees with you, do you take it personally? Do you get defensive? Do you think you’re right all the time or most of the time? Do you do everything on your own? Rarely ask for help? Do you often think you need to be the one to do things if they’re going to be done right? If the answer is yes to some or most of those questions, there’s probably some pride there.
The Attitude Your Marriage Needs
A good marriage needs selflessness, sacrifice, and care. These are all things that are born out of humility. Having humility means we think less about ourselves. Instead, we focus on the needs of others and respond with love and service. Becoming more humble will reduce relational problems and make the people around you feel cherished. There’s more about humility in an article I wrote called One Thing Every Relationship Needs.
How have you overcome the urge to be prideful? Share in a comment.
