A coworker of mine visited his friend’s house after a pipe had broken, flooding the kitchen. Floorboards had to be tossed out, and the concrete was exposed. “I’m sorry this happened,” my coworker said. His friend replied, “It’s just part of it.” He knew life is filled with challenges, and because he has accepted that, he has the emotional maturity to respond well when they happen. Sometimes, things don’t go according to plan—including in marriages. But we should all expect difficulty in marriage.
When it happens, it doesn’t always mean we did something wrong. Arguments, stress, and setbacks are “just part of it.” You’ve committed to share a life with someone, so at some point, there will be friction, no matter how much you love each other. Everybody faces difficulty in marriage, and you’re not weird if yours doesn’t always look or feel like a fairytale. You’ll have hard days in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’re helpless. Here are 9 uncomfortable realities to expect in every marriage and what you can do when it happens.
1. Money Problems
Even if you married someone with $100 million in the bank, you can’t escape money troubles in marriage. You and your spouse may see money differently, disagree over how to spend it, or end up in debt. These are stressors. Few marriages are immune, but this reality doesn’t have to break your marriage.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… We are just trustees of the money God has entrusted to us. It’s a big responsibility and requires unity. Susan and I never move forward on anything important financially unless we agree. If we aren’t in agreement, we wait longer and try again later to get on the same page.
2. Unmet Expectations
None of us are mind readers. Always expecting each other to know what you want will result in unmet expectations. So will voicing unreasonable expectations that are hard or impossible to meet. People aren’t perfect, and that means all couples will experience difficulty in marriage.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Show grace. Your spouse probably isn’t trying to fail you. Verbalize any unmet expectations and discern whether you might need to adjust some of them.
3. Health Issues
If you’re married long enough, you’ll probably spend more time than you’d like making and attending doctor’s appointments. Even if you’re young, good health is not a guarantee. “In sickness and in health” is a marriage vow for a reason.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Treat your spouse well when he or she is healthy, and treat your spouse well when he or she isn’t.
4. Communication Differences
Chores. Kids. Sex. There is always something to talk about in marriage. But when and how are you talking? If your timing or your way of bringing it up isn’t the same way your spouse would time it or say it, it could cause conflict.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Ask your spouse questions to find out what he or she is thinking. How and when does your spouse have the easiest time discussing difficult topics or receiving feedback? Reset, and present your side of things in a way he or she will best hear it.
5. Fights
Public or private school for your kids? Your parents’ house or her parents’ house for Thanksgiving? Couples fight over so many things. Fighting is such a common difficulty in marriage that it shouldn’t sneak up on you.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Remember why you married each other. You are for each other, not against. Try seeing things from your spouse’s point of view. Ask good questions. Take walks and figure out the root cause of the issue.
6. Intimacy Issues
Susan and I raised five kids with very active schedules. Some seasons of parenting felt like there were no free nights. It’s hard to remain physically and emotionally intimate when you’re that busy. This can lead to dissatisfaction.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Both spouses should be allowed to talk freely about their desires, and you might even consider scheduling sex.
7. Lulls
Expecting that “honeymoon feeling” to last forever is unrealistic. All marriages are a mixture of simmering and boiling. If things don’t feel exciting, that doesn’t mean your marriage is stalling.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Schedule consistent date nights. One thing Susan and I did was build babysitting into our family budget. It was money well spent because we got consistent time together.
8. Career Changes
The average person switches jobs about every four years, which means your spouse could have 12 or more jobs in his or her lifetime. All that change can introduce stress and uncertainty to your home. New jobs sometimes come with longer hours, more travel, and big expectations.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Look at how life will change when one of you makes a career move and adjust your roles accordingly. Maybe you quit the carpool and the kids start taking the bus. Maybe it used to be on your wife to get the kids to and from sports activities, music lessons, or club meetings, but now you’ll take over the task. Remember, you’re a team, and being willing to adapt when norms shift is a mark of a good teammate.
9. In-Law Drama
Terri Apter, a Cambridge University researcher and psychologist, studied relationships and found that three out of every four couples “experience significant conflict with their in-laws.” She says 60% of women have a “negative” relationship with their mother-in-law. You can hope to be in the minority, but odds are, you and your spouse will deal with at least a little bit of in-law drama.
WHEN IT HAPPENS… Do your best to show love and respect to your spouse’s family members. Don’t be combative but treat them with love—even when it’s hard.
What difficulty in marriage surprised you the most after your wedding? Share in a comment.
