The popular sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond gave viewers a peek into two very different marriages. Ray and Debra had normal disagreements but handled them (mostly) lovingly. Ray’s parents, Frank and Marie, lived across the street and constantly belittled each other. Their families spent a lot of time together, leaving Ray and Debra trying not to turn into his bickering parents. Yes, these were characters in a sitcom, but their experience mirrors a common real-life scenario: Couples must block out others’ negativity and stay grateful for their bliss.
Trying to stay happy in our own relationships can be challenging if the voices around us are baiting us to join them in their misery. Money disagreements. Fights over kid stuff. Dissatisfaction with intimacy. There are so many things friends may complain about to us. Having empathy without letting it trickle into guilt because things are going well for us can be hard. Setting boundaries in your marriage is a good first step. And if your marriage is thriving, there’s no need to apologize for having them. Here are 4 parts of marriage to never feel guilty about.
1. Your Boundaries
I have always lived by the rule that I will not travel or eat alone with a woman who is not my wife. It’s not because either party is untrustworthy. It’s simply a boundary to protect my marriage. I won’t apologize for that, nor should I, or anyone else who does this. It’s a line that is wise not to cross to avoid temptation or the appearance of inappropriate behavior. Do you have a boundary like this in your marriage?
Setting boundaries in marriage is a way to protect your relationship. Boundaries keep things pure, respectful, and thriving. If that ruffles feathers, that’s OK. All marriages are different and should have tailored boundaries. Set aside time on the calendar that is reserved just for the two of you and protect it from other commitments. Do whatever keeps your relationship going strong and don’t feel guilty if outsiders don’t understand.
2. Your Privacy
Marriage is a different kind of relationship. It’s exclusive by design. You are bonded to another person in a much different way than you are with your boss, parents, friends, or even your kids. Because of this distinction, there are parts of that bond that should stay between the two of you. They may be silly things like inside jokes, or very intimate things like family issues or details about sex. You shouldn’t feel guilty about keeping certain things to yourselves because healthy relationships between a husband and wife demand a measure of privacy.
That’s the beauty of it. You don’t have to keep things between you; you get to. You commit to protecting each other by not sharing every personal detail with everyone. When you maintain that privacy, it leads to more closeness and attachment. Your connection will deepen because you have something unique that remains between you. Privacy is one of marriage’s gifts.
3. Putting Each Other First
One of the best things you can do for your kids is prioritize your spouse. They need to see parents who are engaged with each other, have fun together, and are still playful. A lot of people would argue that their kids’ needs should be considered before their spouse’s. That’s their choice, but if you’re like me and think your marriage should be your top concern, don’t feel guilty about that. There are seasons when this could change, like when a child is injured, sick, or struggling in some way. But putting your spouse first consistently is a healthier rhythm, because it teaches your kids that the home doesn’t revolve around them, that Mom and Dad are committed, and that the family benefits from that order.
As I’ve written before, our spouses should get the best of our time, energy, and effort, not our leftovers. It demonstrates that they’re important to us, are worth sacrificing for, and that you’re at least trying to be selfless. Workaholics, helicopter parents, and influencers on social media may disagree with this, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s OK to think of your spouse before anyone else. It’s another way of setting boundaries in marriage.
4. Your Happiness
You don’t have to downplay your happiness just because you’re with friends. Be grateful that you’re in a good place. No relationship is perfect, and every marriage has challenges, but don’t apologize to others for feeling good about your current season. Celebrate milestones, speak highly of your spouse, and let people see that a healthy marriage is possible.
Practice compassion with your friends who don’t feel happy right now. Urge them to speak to a trusted advisor, pastor, or counselor if they are facing major difficulties. Don’t let that animosity bleed into your marriage. Listen to their stories. Weep with those who weep, but don’t stop rejoicing over the gift that your marriage has turned out to be.
Does setting boundaries in your marriage come naturally? Share in a comment.
