According to Divorce.com, 60% of people say they have kept at least one secret from their spouse, and a Bankrate survey of 1,000 married people found that about two in five believe their partner is keeping something from them. Those numbers are problematic because spouses should not be keeping secrets in marriage. Another staggering study shows 43% of millennials are not planning to reveal all their secrets to their partners. I firmly believe keeping secrets in marriage, from your husband or wife, is a recipe for regret and relational dysfunction.
But there are some secrets that are vital to keep. Nobody—not even close friends or family—should have unlimited access to the stuff that is meant to remain safely between a husband and wife. Those secrets are yours alone. Spouses who learn what to keep private will have a stronger bond and better trust. What should you and your spouse guard? Here are 7 secrets every spouse should keep.
1. Intimate Details
Anything that happens or is shared exclusively between you and your spouse should be treasured. The exclusive parts of your relationship help set it apart. When you give people access to those intimate details, you risk hurting or betraying your spouse. You would lose some of your spouse’s trust. Avoid all that by guarding information about what happens in your bedroom, about your spouse’s habits, or anything that could potentially embarrass him or her. Show your spouse respect by keeping private things private.
2. Disagreements
Every couple disagrees. That’s part of marriage. But just because all couples sometimes bicker doesn’t mean those disputes need to be shared outside your relationship. Why risk outsiders misinterpreting your words? Or unfairly viewing your spouse in a negative light? Keeping minor disagreements a secret forces you to work through those arguments together without added influence. Finding solutions as a couple can help strengthen your bond.
3. Family Issues
In the same way, family issues don’t need to be broadcast to the world. Those reality TV shows with all the family drama get good ratings, but airing dirty laundry doesn’t strengthen your important relationships. It invites judgment, gossip, and rumors. Sharing family squabbles cracks the door to a “me vs. them” mentality, and nobody wins in that scenario.
4. Health Problems
If you’re diagnosed with cancer or something else serious, asking others for support and prayer can be great. But when smaller health issues come up, it’s best to keep it to yourself. Neighbors don’t need to know about your spouse’s rash or infection—and your spouse probably doesn’t want them to know about it. Plus, your spouse should get to decide who knows about any of his or her health problems. Sharing that information without permission potentially puts your spouse in an awkward position and violates his or her trust.
5. Past Regrets
Maybe you had an affair years ago. Maybe your spouse got a DUI. Bringing these things up to others is like opening an old wound. Unless you’ve decided together that these things should be shared as part of your testimony, keep these private, and work through them together. If it impacted you both, decide together who gets to hear about it and who doesn’t. If your spouse’s regret happened before you, then your spouse should have full control of whether it’s something you can share at all. A marriage should be a relationship built on trust and respect. Both of those will be tested if you decide to spill past regrets.
6. Insecurities
It requires incredible vulnerability to share something that makes you feel insecure. If your spouse has chosen to share something like that with you, pledge not to repeat it without permission. I can’t imagine how my wife, Susan, would feel if someone came up to her to discuss one of her insecurities that I let slip. Don’t force vulnerability on your spouse by giving away such personal information. An exception would be talking with trusted therapists or pastors who are equipped to help couples through things like this. But with friends and neighbors, steer clear of sharing.
7. Romantic Moments
A friend of mine decided to give his wife one gift per day for 40 days leading up to her 40th birthday. It’s a grand gesture and took a lot of planning. He thought of most of the presents on his own but did ask for gift ideas from friends and coworkers. One thing he didn’t do was share all the gifts he actually gave. Some were personal and meant for her only. Sharing too much information about romantic moments could tempt you to brag, do for recognition, or, worst of all, shift the focus away from your spouse. Keep gifts, love notes, and other romantic things a secret.
What other “secrets in marriage” should spouses share exclusively with each other? Share in a comment.
