What is the most common advice people give others when heading into family gatherings like Thanksgiving? Don’t talk about politics or religion. Perhaps that’s good advice. Some topics tend to get people riled up, so in certain settings it’s best to just stick to the more cordial discussions. But that only really applies to Uncle Joe at Thanksgiving and the July 4th barbecue. It doesn’t apply to your spouse. We should not be afraid to have conversations with the person we’ve chosen to spend our lives with.
But people are good at avoiding conflict in relationships. In an effort to keep peace in our homes, we push off discussions or topics that have the potential to cause a fight, hurt feelings, or make our spouse feel like they’ve done something wrong. I get it, but this is a poor marriage strategy. Delaying hard conversations only makes contempt, animosity, and resentment for your spouse fester. Wait too long, and you’ve made the problem much worse. If there is a discussion you’ve been avoiding with your spouse because it could be embarrassing or cause problems, don’t wait any longer. Getting the conversation going is how you begin to work through the conflict in your relationship and ultimately grow closer. Here are 5 topics to stop avoiding with your spouse.
1. Your Marriage Issues
Are you not connecting well lately? Failing to make time for dates? Fighting constantly? These are common marriage issues that are easy to ignore. But the truth is, they usually don’t solve themselves. When we recognize the issue, but don’t bother to talk and work through it, problems just get bigger. It may be uncomfortable to discuss, but you must sit down and talk about your marriage issues with your spouse. The longer they go unaddressed, the more resentment and bitterness will creep into your marriage.
When you talk to your spouse, get to the heart of the issue. Are you not connecting well because you’re stressed? Too busy? Assume things are fine? Are you not going on dates because the kids’ activities have taken over your schedule? There is always an underlying cause to our marriage issues, and it usually takes an intentional conversation to uncover it. Talk with your spouse. Be open, honest, and vulnerable, willing to repair what’s not working.
2. Your Work Stress
People take a lot of pride in what they do. About 39% of people told Pew Research that their job or career is “extremely or very important” to them. Around 3-in-10 of those same workers said their job was stressful “all or most of the time.” That means you’re not alone if you feel overwhelmed at the office. Work-related stress is common. Your spouse could be feeling it too.
Talking about work stress together invites your spouse into your daily grind and shares your mental load. Sharing this part of your life with your spouse allows for empathy, and that’s good for both of you. Admitting that work is weighing you down isn’t showing weakness. Be vulnerable about the hard parts of your job. Your spouse will appreciate your honesty.
3. Your Secrets
There should be no secrets between spouses. Marriage is about sharing everything with another person. Holding back parts of your life, be they physical, emotional, financial, or otherwise, hurts your ability to truly connect. Total transparency is the healthiest way to live as a couple. It’s where trust grows. When we hold things back from our spouse, we introduce suspicions, concern, and worry into the relationship.
I’m not talking about gifts you bought for a birthday. Keeping that from your spouse until the party is fine. There’s a difference between surprises, which we excitedly plan to share at the right time, and secrets, which we hope never get found out. When we hide things—even small things—we wind up failing to live a joint life. We’ve held back information from our spouse. That rarely leads to more intimacy.
4. Your Worries
Are you stressed about the kids? What about your health, fitness, or finances? Don’t keep those things bottled up. Share them with the only person who cares about them as much as you do. When we hold our worries from our spouse, even hoping to keep the home steady, we lack the vulnerability needed for a marriage to thrive.
Spouses get to bear each other’s burdens. It’s one of the great blessings of marriage. But if we avoid conversations about the things that keep us up at night, we aren’t becoming more bulletproof. We are just building a wall between ourselves and the person we love most. Talk things out. Admit you see something coming that could cause trouble. Allow your spouse to sit with you in that feeling.
5. Relationship Red Flags
Needing to know which friends you’re texting. Never considering your opinion on where to go or what to do. These are all relationship red flags. Don’t ignore the things in marriage that don’t feel quite right. Address these red flags lovingly. Tell your spouse you’ve seen a pattern forming in either them or yourself, and work to fix what’s concerning.
This isn’t always fun. It can even sound judgmental. But just because a topic is awkward or could potentially cause a fight doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be discussed. Ignoring a red flag doesn’t make it go away. Just like a nagging injury gets worse if left untreated, red flags that go ignored or unexpressed can grow into a marriage-threatening crisis. Bring these concerns to the table with humility and love, but bring them up immediately.
Why is avoiding conflict in relationships a problem for so many couples? Share in a comment.
