When I first married Susan, we were different in many ways. I liked many of those things about her, but I also thought only I did things the right way, the way they should be done. I assumed our relationship would be easier if I could get her to be more like me. When she did become more like me, I realized I missed the real Susan.
I am a different husband now than I was 35 years ago. But in order to get there, I needed to make some changes. I went from wanting her to be like me to appreciating who she truly was. Marriage isn’t about getting your way all the time. It’s about giving more than you receive and putting your spouse first. Here are 5 changes that make marriages more selfless.
1. Think “do,” not “did.”
The honeymoon period doesn’t last forever. But you can keep those loving feelings going by continually investing in your marriage. Don’t get stuck in the “wasn’t it fun when” rut. Keep things fresh. I like the rule of one—commit to one date night per week, one night out per month, and one weekend away per year. Your spouse will see your commitment and love you for it. Trying new things to do and ways to connect is how couples build memories.
2. Save instead of spending.
Because marriage is a long-term commitment, tomorrow matters just as much as today. Saving ensures tomorrow is taken care of, and it demonstrates that you’re thinking about a future with your spouse. Gifts are great, and I would never tell you not to enjoy today. But saving is about sacrifice in the moment, and it tells your spouse you not only care about his or her security, goals, and well-being today but that you will down the road, too.
3. Talk instead of using tech.
On average, people spend over eight hours per day using technology. That’s half of their waking time! Devices do have their place, but simply having one in your hand hints to the people around you that something else is more important than they are in that moment. When you’re together, challenge yourself to put the tech away and just talk with your spouse. Make your spouse your top focus. Ask deep questions! Even if you’ve been married for 35 years like me, you can still get to know your wife or husband better. Those iPads and smartphones can easily get in the way of connection.
4. Compliment instead of criticizing.
Neuroscience shows that negative cause stress and release anxiety-inducing hormones. On the opposite side of the spectrum, a single positive word can regulate physical and emotional stress. That means when your words hit your spouse’s ear, his or her mind lights up either positively or negatively, and a memory is formed. When you speak uplifting words, you become a source of encouragement for your spouse. Choose to compliment your wife today. Find something great to say to your husband.
5. Wait instead of walk.
In 2021, there were nearly 700,000 divorces in the United States. It’s easy to walk away from marriage these days, but marriages that last do so because the people in them know how to wait. They wait to speak, act, and criticize. They don’t walk out during tough times. Walking away does not build character, connectivity, or longevity. Being patient, persevering, and waiting does.
In what ways is your marriage better today than it was on day one? What made it improve? Share in a comment.
