Consistently, there are a few things that spouses frequently cite as their biggest sources of frustration. Most struggle with communication breakdowns, disagreements over money, division of labor, and unmet expectations, especially emotionally. Like many marriages, Susan and I have experienced a few of those issues in our 35 years together. Maybe you’ve experienced these common irritations, but what about the more subtle things that often go unnoticed or unspoken?
Small, frustrating things tend not to stay small in marriage and can disrupt otherwise happy relationships. Even though they seem tiny, they build over time. Even twigs contribute to a fire, and you may have been doing, or not doing, things for years that have been burning up your spouse. We should strive for unity in our marriages, so it’s good to think through what habits we have that are quietly hurting our marriages. Have you been noticing your spouse is always frustrated with you? Here are 7 reasons why.
1. You stopped planning.
When is the last time you planned a date for you and your spouse? The National Marriage Project found that less than half of married couples do monthly dates. Someone has to plan the dinner, activity, or discussion. So pack a picnic or make a reservation at your favorite restaurant. You don’t need to have the next 40 years planned out, but knowing what will happen four days from now shows your spouse you are invested in the here and now.
If this isn’t one of your strengths, it can become one. It just takes a little intention. If you do the work to create a special experience for your spouse, they’ll likely appreciate your effort. Think about what you normally do for dates. Is there something you’ve never tried but have always wanted to? If you are having trouble coming up with ideas, or if everything you pick annoys your wife or husband, ask some friends what they like to do on dates. Copy the ideas or adjust them to fit your relationship.
2. You are fine with just Netflix.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying a show together. Susan and I watch some shows on Netflix. This isn’t about the evils of TV. It’s being fine with another night of Netflix. It’s about embracing a passive lifestyle, which can become frustrating over time. At least with Netflix, even though it’s passive, you’re still doing something together. But try to avoid settling for just being around each other. You’ll stay more connected when you choose to do active things together instead of passive ones. Find out whether this annoys your wife or frustrates your husband, then plan something different.
A large study from Utah State University found that being pleased with the amount of time spent together was a key factor in overall marital satisfaction. Basically, couples who do more things together report happier, healthier marriages. Talk with your spouse. Ask what they want to do besides watch TV. You might uncover a hidden interest. Maybe it’s something as simple as a walk together after dinner, when you both can talk. Whatever the active, engaged thing is, do it together. And if you are going to watch Netflix, consider sacrificing a bit. It’s a form of love to watch a Sci Fi show when you don’t love it, but your spouse does.
3. You defer too much.
“I don’t know. Whatever you want.” If this annoys your wife (or your husband), I get it. It may sound easy-going and agreeable, but when you defer all the time, you’re doing little to lift your spouse’s mental load. They will end up making all the decisions, and you’ll appear disinterested. Both are very frustrating in any relationship, but perhaps more so in marriage because it’s the person you love and care about the most. Your spouse wants someone with opinions and ideas, not a partner who doesn’t seem to care. If you’ve fallen into a habit of deferring, time to start speaking up.
That doesn’t mean you must have a strong opinion on everything. But try to be engaged in decision-making. That’s how you meaningfully contribute to conversations with your spouse. The goal is to make decisions as a team, not choose the path of least disagreement. Your tone also matters a lot here. Be caring and considerate while you state your ideas and listen to feedback.
4. You choose the kids over your spouse.
We love our kids. They can be challenging, but we keep coming back and putting effort into raising, guiding, and providing for them. But if we always put our children ahead of our spouse, that is a major red flag. If you’re a husband like me, this probably annoys your wife, who wants to spend time with you. There are certainly circumstances when our kids need most of our attention, but our spouses shouldn’t consistently get our leftovers. When they are rarely prioritized, that will lead to frustration in your relationship.
Ted Lowe talks about this at For Us Marriage. He pointed out the increasing rates of “gray divorce” on his YouTube channel, and attributed it, in part, to couples getting so invested in the kids that they cut out time for themselves. Don’t start down that road with your spouse. Prioritize each other with frequent, meaningful conversations, date nights, and quality time away from the kids. It’s all about choosing your spouse more often than not, and it’s possible even when you’re apart.
5. You stopped exploring.
Doing the same things over and over again can lull your marriage into a state of frustration—still technically doing things together but not really trying anything new or fun. Without spontaneity and adventure in your relationship, irritation can set in. Work to make it feel like life together is still unfolding rather than stuck on autopilot.
Exploring is not always about spending money. Even cheap, creative things keep the excitement alive in your marriage. Is there a new hiking trail you can try? Is there a type of food you’ve never cooked before? How about a day trip? Be thoughtful. Continue to learn about the world as a pair.
6. You relive “the good old days.”
You know that guy who won’t stop talking about that touchdown pass he threw in the big game? Yeah, we’ve heard the story. It was great, but a lot has happened since then. Your marriage can get stuck looking in the rearview mirror too. The honeymoon was probably fun. Those early days felt fresh and exciting. But if your attitude suggests you wish you were still there, instead of here in the here and now, that can be annoying. Remember the past, but don’t romanticize it.
Look around. What’s worth celebrating right now? I’m not talking only about the promotion or a child getting engaged. Even “small” things are worth recognizing. Is your wife succeeding in something? Is your husband making new friends? Are you enjoying a new hobby together? If you think you’ll look back years from now and be proud that you started something new, celebrate the beginning of that chapter today.
7. You’re always late.
Being late shows the other party you didn’t value their time or work hard to maintain your commitment. In business, it could cost you a deal. In marriage, it could cost you trust. Put as much effort into being prompt with your spouse as you do for work appointments. Don’t show up late for things like doctor visits, family dinners, or birthday parties.
If you’re routinely running late, it will appear to your spouse that you care about other things more than them. That may not be true, but it could come off that way. If it annoys your wife (or your husband), do what it takes to show up on time. Begin getting ready to leave the house earlier than you think you need to, just in case. Iron your shirt for the wedding a day early. Give yourself time to shower after mowing the lawn so you’re not rushing to make it to the school play. These small decisions can keep your spouse from getting irritated and show that their time matters as much as yours.
If something annoys your wife (or your husband), what do you do to improve your marriage? Share in a comment.
