Should we move to a new house? How will we handle this unexpected bill? Why are we drifting apart? Those conversations between spouses can get complicated and tense. It’s important to tackle problems like these as a team. As I’ve written before, spouses should be asking each other deep questions regularly to build up their relationship for when the hard conversations inevitably arrive.
But important conversations in marriage are rarely one-and-done. Revisiting a discussion can sometimes feel even harder than bringing it up in the first place. Maybe the first one ended poorly, or got emotional. Maybe one of you shut down or got very defensive. When we’re tired, nervous, or hurt, communication can break down, but we have to circle back and keep moving toward a solution as a team. Knowing how to re-enter hard conversations is one of the most important skills in marriage. Here are 6 things to say when you’re lost for words.
1. “I want to start fresh.”
Say this after a heated argument. Sometimes it’s good to take a break during an argument with your spouse. It gives you both a chance to cool down. When you’re ready to talk again, acknowledge that the hard feelings may still be lingering, but commit to finding a way forward.
It’s never good to let anger simmer because it can grow into bitterness or feelings of resentment, and that can be a real danger in your marriage. Lead with kindness after conflict. Try to hit the reset button. It may feel awkward, but someone has to speak first. Make it plain to your spouse that you have reopened the door, not in anger, but in hope. It shows you care about them and are committed to working together. Show empathy and apologize if needed. If you’re struggling with what to say to your spouse after a fight, start here.
2. “You are important to me.”
Say this when you get caught not listening. We are all easily distracted. We’ve all been caught daydreaming, staring at our phones, or so focused on what we were doing that we had no idea our spouse was trying to communicate. We missed the message. Frustration will follow. Your spouse may feel unseen, unheard, or, worst of all, unimportant when you’re not paying attention.
There is no going back. You can’t rewind and pay more attention. But you can start over again, with humility, and put away whatever is distracting you so you can focus on your spouse. Make eye contact. Ask them to repeat what they were saying, and don’t let your mind wander. Fix things by locking in. Your spouse deserves your attention. You missed the message the first time around, but that doesn’t mean you see your spouse as less valuable than whatever was distracting you. Make that clear.
3. “I let you down.”
Say this after you forgot something important. We are all moving so fast and juggling so many things that we are bound to forget something important. I’ve done it plenty of times. When this happens, your spouse will probably feel like you don’t care or that your priorities are out of order. Repairing this starts by acknowledging the mistake.
Minimizing or running from the mistake won’t heal the situation. It shows you don’t want to take ownership of what happened. Some mistakes are small, like forgetting the milk at the store. Others are enormous, like missing an anniversary. Both hurt, but some hurt more than others. Your spouse needs to know you’re truly remorseful after both. One way to prevent this is to improve daily communication. Find out what’s on your spouse’s mind so you don’t miss as many things.
4. “I hate feeling disconnected from you.”
This is what to say to your spouse after a fight. Disconnection happens when personal pride and the desire to be “right” take precedence over your needs as a couple. This may look like screaming, avoidance, or belittling. Healthy couples recognize that unresolved conflict creates emotional, and sometimes physical, distance. What you need is a repair attempt.
Acknowledge that you don’t like feeling disconnected. Address the conflict before the gap between you widens. This isn’t about winning arguments. This is about seeing problems worsening and heading them off. Pretending everything is fine after a fight is the same as doubling down. Don’t ignore it.
5. “Let’s find another way to connect tonight.”
Say this when you aren’t in the mood. It’s very easy to sound dismissive when you turn down sex. There may be a legitimate reason, like feeling tired, stressed, or even emotionally drained. Failing to express yourself well when this situation comes up could hurt your spouse. Sex is not just physical. It’s emotional too. So being turned down, no matter the reason, evokes emotion. When you’re not in the mood, your spouse may conclude you don’t find them desirable. That should never be the consequence.
“You matter to me” reframes the situation. Rejecting sex that day is not rejecting your spouse. But it’s an acknowledgment that something is getting in the way of physical intimacy. If sex isn’t happening right now, look for another way to stay connected, like conversation, affection, prayer, or just sitting together.
6. “Teach me what I need to know.”
Say this to gain perspective. No matter how long you’ve been married, you won’t always see things the way your spouse does. I used to wish my wife, Susan, would just agree with my vision for everything at home, but that’s not fair to her or realistic for us. Marriage works better when we consider our spouse’s perspective as much as our own. Maybe you’ve felt that tension before but didn’t know how to put it into words.
There is value in being curious. It moves you from caring only about yourself to placing value on your spouse’s viewpoint as well. That will make him or her feel that you want to relate to them. It’s the beginning of empathy, which creates caring dialogue. It’s also fun to keep learning about your spouse. Life will throw you all sorts of situations where two angles are better than one. Your spouse’s perspective could reveal a blind spot for you. Be grateful your spouse isn’t just like you.
Sound off: What phrases have helped you heal tensions in your marriage? Share in a comment.
