I was trying to resolve a fight with my wife, Susan, and it was obvious from her response that I’d said the wrong thing. Fortunately, we have a rule while fighting—if we say the wrong thing, we can call a do over. Whenever either one of us calls a do over, we get to rephrase what we were trying to say. It has saved me on many occasions, as it did on this one. Ever been in one of those situations?
You’re fighting with your spouse, and as it gets more intense, you wonder how you got there. Sometimes it’s because we say the wrong thing. Other times, our approach, tactics, or habits are the problem. I’ve noticed a parallel between the way certain animals behave and unhealthy argument styles. Are you behaving like these animals when you argue? Here are 7 bad ways to face a fight with your spouse.
1. Like a Turtle
It’s easy to pull back and hide away when conflict arises, like a turtle retreating into its shell. While it might be necessary sometimes to step away, gather your thoughts, and regroup, shrinking away in effort to avoid the conflict never ends well. Spouses who ignore problems have marriages that don’t grow closer or stronger.
2. Like a Chameleon
If a spouse says something hurtful in an argument and we return insult for insult, we become like chameleons, blending in with our environment. But doing to your spouse whatever hurtful thing your spouse is doing to you only causes spouses to “one-up” each other, an unnecessary and hurtful escalation. Responding respectfully while fighting with your spouse has the power to deescalate.
3. Like a Skunk
It’s tempting sometimes to release your emotions, especially anger, on whoever happens to be closest to you. But that makes us like skunks, who don’t spray in any reasonably targeted way but let loose on anything and everything around them. We need to be honest about how we’re feeling in conflicts with our spouses, but we can do that without spewing vitriol all over our loved ones.
4. Like a Lion
Lions and tigers home in on vulnerable prey and go for the kill. We’re like lions and tigers when we zero in on the most vulnerable part of a spouse’s heart just to end the argument. But shutting down conflict with that one remark, criticism, or insecurity you know will bother your spouse isn’t helpful. Zero in on understanding each other’s perspectives and working toward a resolution, not on harmful attacks.
5. Like an Alligator
Alligators sometimes lurk unseen, surprising their prey. In the same way, if we spring an issue on a spouse out of the blue, we cause or exacerbate conflict, and we do it at an inopportune time. When a spouse is given no time to thoroughly think through an issue, his or her response is more likely to be emotionally charged. Better to carefully choose a time and place for bringing up a challenging subject.
6. Like an Ostrich
You’ve probably heard the myth that ostriches bury their heads in the sand. They don’t really do that, but people often do, including when we remain in denial of what is bothering a spouse. But pretending an issue your wife or husband has with you isn’t real or doesn’t need your attention will only drive your spouse away from you. Acknowledge the issues, and your spouse will feel heard and validated.
7. Like a Hawk
Hawks hover overhead, often perched where no one will see them, searching for prey. Do you do the same to your spouse? The answer is yes, if you find yourself looking for opportunities to say “I told you so!” or “Now look what you’ve done!” But trying to find reasons to attack encourages seeing each other as enemies instead of as teammates. Instead, have patience with each other and show each other grace. Doing so communicates that you know you’re both human.
What other instincts do you feel welling up when you have tension and conflict in your marriage? What better responses have worked for you? Share in a comment.
