Apple released its Vision Pro goggles in February 2024. You can now immerse yourself in a “spatial computing” environment, use apps, and watch videos as if you are part of them. Apple’s own ad claims Vision Pro users are “not isolated from other people.” But right after the product release, people wearing the goggles in public frantically batted at the air like cats at a window. Bystanders recorded the behavior and shared it on social media. The tech users were lost in their own little worlds.
Is new technology like these goggles fun? Yes. Can you and your spouse enjoy them together? Of course! Do they improve your connection? Not necessarily. I’m not telling you to throw away all your digital devices and go back to reading by candlelight. I love technology, and so does my wife, Susan. My desire is to point out any possible distractions that could hinder your relationships, especially your marriage. We spend so much time with our spouses. Making it count requires identifying distractions, including technology. Here are 4 ways tech use is hurting your marriage.
1. You phub each other.
Phubbing is when someone looks at you but only sees the top of your head, because you’re scrolling—it’s being so focused on your phone that you snub somebody. While we’re phubbing, we’re missing our spouses’ bids for connection, overlooking opportunities to help them, and making them compete with a phone for our attention. In other words, we’re giving more of ourselves to our phones than to our spouses.
2. You expose yourself to temptation.
A coworker shared how embarrassed she was after looking up her college boyfriend on LinkedIn. She didn’t realize some users can see who views their profile. You may not think that’s a big deal, and it may not be. But reconnecting with exes has meant disaster for many marriages—and even if that’s not going to happen to you, there are other temptations technology presents. Suggestive content is everywhere online and tech is the window into that world. The further you crack it, the harder it gets to close.
Pornography use does damage to a couple’s relationship, but what you see online doesn’t need to be porn to be damaging. Some men are caught off guard when unsolicited images of attractive women tempt them to solicit more images. And what happens when your wife walks in while you’re looking at them? At best, tech exposes you to temptation. At worst, you give in, and keep secrets from your spouse or hurt your spouse’s feelings, which damages your marriage in either case. If this is your struggle, you need to set guards on your tech and consider finding an accountability partner to help you fight temptation.
3. Your devices become more exciting than your marriage.
Your spouse is what Psychology Today pegs as a “normal stimulus,” while technology qualifies as a “supernormal stimulus.” Basically, our brains find technology more exciting than our spouses because humans have to work harder than screens do to stimulate us. Screens have a seductive pull. The research suggests “supernormal stimuli tend to activate some of the same reward systems in the brain that are involved in addiction.” Human interaction loses its luster when we’re tied to supernormal stimuli. So it gets easy, even preferable, for us to interact with our phones instead of with our spouses. Would you say you reach for your spouse or for technology more often? Consider how much you lean on tech in your marriage. Set up guardrails if you fear you’re spending more time with it than your spouse.
4. You substitute tech for each other.
Loneliness is an epidemic, and marriages are not immune. Gallup says about 20 percent of married Americans report feeling lonely. When this happens, tech provides a “way out.” Artificial intelligence companies have created entirely digital communications for people seeking “human” interaction without the human. Type in a few prompts, and these AI chat bots use what’s called emotion recognition technology to feed empathic, emotional dialogue to the user. That is the sort of interaction you should be getting from and giving to your spouse. This AI interaction is counterfeit and may leave people disconnected from their spouses. Don’t ask tech to fill your spouse’s role. Lean into each other when you feel lonely or have other emotional needs.
How often do you find yourself reflexively reaching for technology? Share in a comment.
