I remember June 1, 2011 like it was yesterday. I got a terrible phone call from the Tampa Fire Department. Our under-construction roof had caved in during heavy summer rains. When I arrived, I found chunks of plaster all over the ground and ruined furniture everywhere. I was shocked. If I could have grabbed a hammer and fixed it in the moment, I would have, but there was nothing I could do except hug my family. That was enough.
In the end, the house was rebuilt, thankfully—but houses are easy to fix. Relationships, I’ve found, take much more work. We want to fix issues quickly. We want to find a solution and move on from the hurt. But after being married for 35 years, I’ve learned spouses aren’t always looking for you to fix a situation. Often, they just want to know you feel with them—they’re looking for empathy in marriage. How do we overcome our inclination to fix things and practice feeling things first? Here are 3 ways.
1. Validate your spouse’s feelings.
One helpful truth my friend Ted Lowe shared on Episode 26 of the All Pro Dad podcast is the power of validating others’ feelings. “That sounds frustrating” is a healing sentence. It tells the person that you hear his or her feelings. When you tell your wife it’s OK to feel how she feels, you signal to her that you are not looking down on her and that she can safely share what’s on her mind. We convey the opposite messages when we try to fix instead of trying to feel. Just trying to fix it hints to a spouse that his or her feelings make us uncomfortable—that we wish those feelings would go away.
2. Offer small affections.
When your spouse is hurting, physical touch makes a huge difference. Small signs of affection, like holding hands or giving a hug, trigger your brain to release oxytocin, which lowers stress, increases relaxation, and connects you. When you’re touching, you’re pausing, not reaching for something to fix the situation. Becoming more feeler than fixer requires that we have empathy in marriage. A gentle touch certainly helps communicate empathy.
3. Summarize your spouse’s story.
Fixers react. Feelers respond. When you’re thinking about a solution, you’re not fully listening. Summarizing your spouse’s story after listening intently shows your spouse that you willingly put down the metaphorical toolbox to fix it. This feeler-first approach demonstrates you care about what they’re going through. Summarize by giving them your full attention, making eye contact, and avoiding interrupting.
When in marriage do you find yourself trying to fix when you really ought to feel? Share in a comment.
