According to the General Social Survey, men are slightly more likely than women to physically cheat on their spouse. Another study found that about 20% of married men and 13% of married women admitted to having an affair. Hopefully, infidelity is not a part of your story (and if it is, there’s hope). But there’s another kind of “cheating,” the more common kind that robs spouses of all the other ways you vowed to show up for each other. Are you cheating your spouse like that?
This isn’t cheating on your spouse—it’s cheating your spouse out of what belongs to him or her by virtue of the vows you exchanged. Everyone wants to be a good spouse, but we all fall short every time we cheat our spouses, sometimes without even realizing we’ve done it. Here are 10 ways you might be cheating your spouse.
1. Keeping Secrets
Spouses should share everything with each other. When we get married, we agree to share our cares, worries, bodies—everything. Withholding information, unless it’s an upcoming gift or surprise, cheats your spouse out of opportunities to know more of you. If what you keep concealed is something that affects or should involve your spouse, your spouse loses a little of his or her voice in your marriage. At some point, your spouse will probably notice that you aren’t being totally transparent. There’s no faster way to introduce distrust to your relationship.
2. Sharing Private Information
The flip side of that is sharing with others what should only stay between you two. This is always a bad move. You’re giving away what should be exclusively for your spouse. It will feel like betrayal to your husband or wife, because it is.
3. Prioritizing Someone Over Your Spouse
If you choose to help, spend time with, or comfort someone else before or instead of your spouse, that’s cheating your spouse. You are choosing to put someone ahead of the person you vowed to put first, and that’s not OK. Take this test to see if you’re in the danger zone.
4. Fantasizing About a Different Life
The Roman poet Ovid wrote The Art of Love around 1 BC, in which he opined, “The harvest is always richer in another man’s field.” But that’s an unhealthy outlook. Thinking about life with someone else, or how yours could have turned out better without your spouse, is a problem. It invites contempt and breeds dissatisfaction.
5. Comparing Your Spouse to Others
“If only you were more like ______” is not a loving statement. It hints that you think your spouse is either somehow inferior or not enough of something you desire. You’re telling on yourself, admitting that you have been sizing up others. You’ve assessed your spouse against another person, and that’s a recipe for disaster.
6. Lying to Your Spouse
Lying never makes anything better. You’re depriving your spouse of the truth, which is something we owe each other because of the vows we made. Honor the dignity of the marriage and your spouse’s dignity too by having integrity. This means no more “white lies.” Each one drives a tiny wedge between you and your spouse. Even if your spouse never finds out, you’ll know.
7. Being a Workaholic
Consistently giving the majority of your time to something other than your spouse breeds resentment, and that includes work. Yes, there are busy seasons, but it’s your responsibility to give the time and attention due to your spouse even in those seasons. If your spouse feels like he or she is getting your leftovers, then it’s time to assess whether you’ve treated work like a higher priority. Don’t cheat your spouse by putting him or her second on your calendar.
8. Extramarital Physical Touch
It is clearly wrong to intimately touch someone besides your spouse. Establish rigid physical boundaries and remove yourself from tempting situations. Even if you don’t cheat sexually on your spouse, you cheat your spouse when you give physical touch to others that should exclusively belong to your spouse.
9. Flirting
There is no innocent flirting. It’s defined as “behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone.” Flirtation isn’t accidental. It’s a great thing to do with your spouse and a horrible thing to do with anyone else. It sends mixed signals and suggests you’re not as committed to your marriage as you say you are.
10. Porn
When you watch pornography, you are giving your eyes, attention, and desire to someone other than your spouse. If you use it enough, it’ll rewire your brain to the degree that your body won’t respond to your spouse as well as your body will respond to what you see on a screen. If you’re watching pornography, confess it to your spouse, and find a way to stop. It could save your marriage.
How can you show renewed commitment to your spouse today? Share in a comment.
