I recently put husbands on the spot by asking them seven questions about their wives, the answers to which may reveal how well they really know their spouse. So now, ladies, it’s your turn! I’m asking you to reflect on what you know about your husbands beyond their height, weight, and the color of their eyes…the outward things. The answers can help you better understand and love your man.
1. What is his love language?
Gary Chapman’s classic book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts explains how we receive and “hear” love in different ways: time, touch, talking, gifts, acts of service, kind words. Which of these say, “I love you” to him the most? And remember that he may be using the same style to communicate his love to you, without realizing you may “hear” it differently. Perhaps he is telling you he loves you in ways you miss.
2. What is his biggest dream?
In his book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge says every man wants an adventure to live. What is your husband’s? Does he long to start his own business or scale the highest peak on every continent? Has he buried his deepest desires in the duty of everyday responsibilities? Here’s why men feel trapped, and what you can do. Are there some ways you can help reawaken or encourage him in reaching for a brave goal that will stretch his faith?
3. What spells romance for him?
Anything that ends up with physical intimacy, you may be thinking. That’s certainly an element, most likely, but men like to be pursued too. When you turn the tables and do the pursuing, it can make him feel that he has still got it. Initiating says that you are not just willing to respond to his advances but want to make your own. When did you last make plans and invite him out on a date? You might want to read some more about what men have to say about romance.
When you turn the tables and do the pursuing, it can make him feel that he has still got it.
4. What does he enjoy doing?
How does he like to spend time when he’s not fulfilling responsibilities at work or around the home or in the family? There is a good chance it will be activity-based somehow, whether it’s working in the garage or cheering on a team. Do you help create room and time for his hobbies and interests, within reason, or view them as competition? Remember, when he is recharged, he has more to bring back to you.
5. What makes him laugh?
As the saying goes: Laughter is the best medicine. So what would you prescribe for him? What tickles his funny bone most: stand-up, slapstick, sitcom, or satire? Find out what lightens his mood best and make sure he gets a regular diet: You could send him a link to a short video clip, at work, to give him a smile. Laugh lines are better than a frowny face.
6. What makes him feel valued?
Guys need to know that they are needed, that their contribution is important, not just their paycheck. Indeed, in his best-selling marriage book Love and Respect, Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs says that respect, feeling affirmed, is a husband’s single most essential fuel. Do you thank him verbally? Leave him the occasional appreciative note? You can read more about how to show your husband respect.
7. What does he struggle with most in your marriage?
While the area of your relationship that most concerns you is probably no secret to him, chances are he may not be so forthcoming about what bothers him. He may not want to “rock the boat” or risk conflict, or he truly may not even have thought about it; as far as he is concerned everything is “fine.” But he might welcome an invitation to talk nonconfrontationally about things you could each ask of the other that would help you and enrich your marriage, opening the door for a deeper conversation.
How many of these questions can answer without having to ask him? And for those that you can’t, are you willing to take the risk of finding out? What “must know” fact would you add to this list and why?