3 Things to Remember Before You Call It Quits in Marriage

3 things to remember before you call it quits in marriage_thumb

 

Over the years, there have been several questions that have surfaced on my blog more than any others.  Though spoken in different ways from different people at different times, these questions usually go something like this:

“What if I’m the only one putting any effort into my marriage?”

“What if my spouse never gives, but always takes?”

“I’m so lonely in my marriage. I want to call it quits. What should I do?”

For some, calling it quits means living in the same home, but giving up on any hope of a healthy marriage.  For others, calling it quits means separation or even divorce.  Before travelling down one of those roads, I’d like to remind you of 3 vital things.

1. Remember your vows.
“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish ‘til death do us part.”  The day you and your spouse were married was the day you promised all these things as you stood before God, before your family, and before your friends.  Remember, this commitment you made was meant to be lifelong, and calling it quits would break that unconditional promise you once made with all your heart.

2. Remember what marriage is.
Marriage was never meant to be a contract to be broken, but a covenant to be cherished. Here is the clear difference between a covenant and a contract.

Covenant

Contract

Based on unconditional love between God, a husband, and a wife Based on conditional consideration between two people
Sacrificial Action (i.e. I’ll do it no matter what you do) Reciprocal Transaction (e.g. If you do this, then & only then I will do that)
Based on Mutual Commitment Based on Mutual Distrust
Seeks to Give Seeks to Get
For Life For Now

In a nutshell, a contract is all about what you get. A covenant is all about what you give.

3. Remember the purpose of marriage.
In 8 Mistakes I’ve Made in Marriage, I shared that in my early years of marriage, I felt like an important part of Susan’s “duty” as my wife was to make me happy. I was a bit more focused on me than on us. I didn’t think so at the time, but now looking back I relied on Susan to lift me up when I was down, to help me upon command, and to meet my physical needs when called upon…just to name a few.

Did you ever think, “Once I get married, then I’ll finally be happy”?  It doesn’t take much experience in marriage to discover that this simply isn’t true.  The only person who can ever provide ultimate joy for you is God, not your spouse.  Perhaps realizing this truth means changing your expectations of your spouse. Ultimately, marriage is not about happiness, but about holiness. It’s a holy union between God, a husband, and a wife—a union established to glorify God.  

Are you thinking about calling it quits in your marriage? Have these things I’ve reminded you of helped? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • lillie

    My son had some what of a accident with his car that the front quarter panel came off and it is damaged.( he parks on the street) My husband said which way is the car facing? I kept listening my son said with the damaged side to the street. I said what does it matter. Well husband got mad at me I didnt want to argue and I got up and left. I was mad who cares what others think. Why did he even say anything about it.Then the next day my husband tells me I need a break from you and I dont know what I am going to do. We are still not talking been married for 20 years

  • Too old for love

    I have been married to a man for 47 years who thinks it’s all. About him,because I too was taught it wasn’t right to get divorced,but after 47 years I find that I was never happy with him, or him with me, and now I am too old to find another who wouldwant my love and affection. Don’t make the mistake at such a young age and give up your life for him,get divorced and find someone who will share in your love. it is not a sin to get divorced. I was just told that if I divorced I would lose everything I worked so hard for over the years. But you know at 67 years of age ,I find it really shouldn’t have mattered I could have started at a younger age,you need to do the same, it’s not fair that you are not happy,it goes both ways, just my opinion!!!!!

  • GH

    Brokenguy… the bible is very clear on this…you are not to divorce for any thing EXCEPT infidelity. if your spouse is cheating, you are FREE OF YOUR COMMITMENT! God does not expect you to suffer that indignity, ESPECIALLY if you put up with it once, and it keeps happening! Move on, find a Good wife and be happy. It could be you married the wrong person.

  • GH

    Dear nosloblonde, having an affair is unacceptable under any circumstances. That being said, what drove you to that? Why didn’t you just leave him? I might be wrong, but, the instant you start cheating, you are wrong. If he was having an affair, you should have divorced him, and moved on with your life. I am not condemning you, just saying from a biblical perspective, no one has to put up with that. Infidelity is the one reason given in the bible that allows you to divorce and move on…

  • Margie

    No… they did not help at all… my vows don’t mean jack anymore… not when he has never ever lived by them… it’s been too long and I didn’t sign up for this bulkshit… should have gotten out more than 12 years ago… 29 years and I don’t care for 30.

  • David Anthony Whitfield

    Check out the movie, “The One I Love”. You will see yourselves in it and I highly recommend it to everyone that is considering…and I am speaking to myself as well.

  • justme

    I am a hearing woman that has been married to a deaf man for almost 20 years. We have one child together that is hearing. In the beginning I wanted very badly to learn and be involved in his deaf world, but he would always find ways to keep me out. He has been unfaithful many times in our marriage, but refuses to admit to it even though he knows I know things 100% and they aren’t guesses or suspicions but facts. Some examples are: seeing texts where he was making plans to have sex with one deaf woman while I was out of town- the woman asked him if he was going to feel guilty about his wife after they have sex and he replied h*** no. Another example is he and his best friends fiancé having conversation on FB and he told her he cant wait to feel her soft skin again. and f*** his wife and all hearing people. These were instance froma few years back so its been a while. These two examples are only two of very many. I had planned to leave him but he threatened to kill himself and said he was going to change. He promised not to have anymore contact with these women or the others that he had inappropriate contact with and he started going to church and I thought he was doing fine, but saw that he has a couple of these women on his FB again. I tried to talk to him about it, but he said he has changed and it was nothing bad going on. My point I tried making with him was it is extremely disrespectful to me that he is even having contact with them at all. Also when we are trying to do family things he gets calls quite frequently on his video phone app from deaf females. I asked him would he feel like it was ok for me to have as many male friends that I talked to daily as he has females ( keep in mind I don’t have a history of cheating or being disrespectful to our marriage or child) and his response was I am hearing so it is different. Instead of us being able to talk about this he gets very defensive calls all the females in his contacts by video phone – even the preachers wife- and tells them that his wife is jealous and he cant talk to any women. I feel like I cant win – I feel like this marriage is hopeless no matter what I try. He says I don’t want to be involved with his deaf world and that is his excuse for a lot of stuff. In the beginning I tried and I am the one that always looked for things we could do with the deaf community and he would not want to. Now, I CANT be involved with the deaf world, because the only way for me to defend the accusations he has made against me to them..such as I am jealous and don’t like deaf people is by telling them things about him that are awful – he is my child’s father and I can’t ever imagine putting these private things out there about him so I get to be the one that is looked at like I am crazy.
    On a side note: I was beyond devastated by the things I found out a few years ago. The betrayal was very deep it went way beyond cheating. He acted as though I were his enemy and he hated me – but that isn’t how he was acting in our life, so I was blindsided – I had no idea, no clue at all that these things were going on until I saw the first texts – then I started digging and it was awful. I don’t tell anyone all of the details because they are very painful.
    Is there any hope for this marriage? I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me but because an interpreter would be involved and the deaf world is so small he refuses to go. He doesn’t want his actions to be talked about in the deaf community. I have swallowed my pride for many years now and let people think what they want of me but its getting to be too much. I am never happy, but I know God would want me to do all I can to keep my marriage- I just can’t think of anything else I can do.