You walk into the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot. While you watch the coffee brew, your spouse shows up behind you and gently rubs your shoulders. Instead of responding to the affection right away, you reach for the sugar; your coffee’s ready, and you want to sip it while it’s still hot. You think you’re just being efficient. But what your spouse did was make a bid for your attention—an attempt at connection in marriage—and you rejected it.
A spouse’s bid for connection might be an audible sigh, a hand on your knee, or an expression of emotion. When it happens, you can turn toward your spouse by engaging with him or her, or you can turn away by not responding well or at all. But according to researchers John and Julie Gottman, “couples that stayed together six years after getting married turned towards each other over 85 percent of the time while couples that separated turned towards each other roughly a third of the time.” A lot rides on how you respond to your spouse’s bids for connection. Here are 5 bids for connection to look for in your marriage.
1. When Your Spouse Reaches for Your Hand
Just because a bid for connection in marriage seems subtle doesn’t mean it’s not important. Reaching for your hand means more than just “I want to touch you.” Physical advances can initiate comfort, sex, or conversation. Grabbing my wife’s hand back is an example of turning toward her. It satisfies in the moment and builds trust that she’ll be noticed in her next bid for connection. Missing it means missing a connection point. It could make her feel unwanted, making her think twice about bidding again.
2. When Your Spouse Sits Beside You on the Couch
My wife has multiple choices of where to spend her evening while we watch a movie or chat. We have a couch and two cozy chairs in our living room. When she chooses the couch beside me instead of the chair by herself, that’s a bid for connection. Respond enthusiastically when bids like this happen. It’s a way of making a deposit, as the Gottmans put it, into her “emotional bank account.” Getting excited about her wanting to be close makes her more likely to want to connect with me again. Turning away will leave her feeling like you’d rather be somewhere else than next to her.
3. When Your Spouse Asks About Your Day
This is a common question among spouses. Researchers cite four main ways spouses respond to bids for connection in marriage like this one: responding indifferently, negatively, minimally, or enthusiastically. Misinterpreting a bid or reacting improperly to it can be detrimental to a relationship. Missing the bid altogether can be even worse. Lean in to how she’s feeling when she asks how you’re feeling. Reciprocation is appreciation in a relationship. It shows others you appreciate when they show an interest in you.
4. When Your Spouse Sighs Audibly
This almost always means, “Please ask me what’s on my mind.” This sound can be soft, but it shouldn’t be ignored. Failing to react with compassion will convey that you don’t care what may be troubling your spouse. We can’t read our spouses’ minds. It can be hard to tell if they’re high or low on certain days. Listening for cues like an audible sigh helps you get out in front of any emotional swings. Turning toward each other and offering a supportive, listening ear will show your spouse you are selfless and compassionate.
5. When Your Spouse Tells You About a Problem
“Well, my trip to the bank was a nightmare!” Ever heard something like this? It’s a bid for connection and a call for empathy. My wife’s advice is to outbid, out-honor, and outdo your spouse. There is nobody more important in your life than the person you’ve chosen to spend it with. When your spouse tells you about a problem, treat it the same way you’d treat the issue if it happened directly to you. Failing to acknowledge this bid for connection will feel like rejection to your spouse.
When has noticing a bid for connection in marriage helped your relationship? Share in a comment.
