My wife, Susan, and I have been married for over three decades and have spent a lot of time working on our relationship. We go on marriage retreats, have written books together, and hosted a podcast called Family First for a while. I think it surprises people a bit when they learn we are big fans of couples therapy. When friends hear this, they immediately wonder, Is something wrong? No. Not at all. We just find it helpful to sit down and speak with someone qualified and like-minded about the hardships of marriage.
I’m thankful for those one-on-one sessions where we can speak openly about being husband and wife. But I think our marriage has benefited from more than just one person. Just like in business or sports, the more positive influences you have in your life, the more likely you’ll succeed. That’s why I’ve surrounded my marriage with more than just a therapist. Have you done this? Who do you trust for marriage advice? Here are 4 types of people I want around my marriage.
1. People with healthy marriages.
Think back to high school. If you desired to raise your grade in math, you wouldn’t hire a tutor who flunked algebra. You would want someone there who understood numbers and could share their route to success. The same goes for you if you want to be better at marriage. Find people who are successful in this and ask a lot of questions. Allow those people in healthy marriages to become your coaches. Learn all that you can.
2. People who have been together a long time.
Experience is different from success. Experience—good or bad—provides knowledge, lessons, and, most importantly, failures. People who have “been there, done that” are great people to have around your marriage because they know what works and what doesn’t. It’s always fun to sit and listen to people who have been married for 50, 60, or 70 years. How did they make it work for so long?
If I were going to learn how to fly a plane, I’d want to learn from someone who has flown in clear skies and storms. That only comes with time. Same with marriage. I want to get close to couples who have been together long enough to know the highs and the lows. I want to learn from them, run ideas by them, and learn from their mistakes. Maybe they’ve been successful. Maybe they’re still searching for what works best. Either way, I think that these couples can teach me a lot about what doesn’t work.
3. People who have humility.
The best people to learn from are usually the ones who aren’t puffing out their chests to show you how great they are. One of the humblest people I know is my friend Ted Lowe. He has been speaking to married couples for decades and hosts the All Pro Dad podcast. He’ll be the first to tell you he’s not a perfect husband, but he’s always trying to improve. That’s someone I want to learn marriage advice from.
Pride is one of the most dangerous things in marriage because it almost always produces criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. The antidote is humility, so find humble people and figure out how they’re able to make their marriage about “we,” not “me.” Having humility means focusing on the needs of others and responding with love and service. Want to reduce relational problems in your marriage? Surround yourself with humble people and learn from them.
4. People who have learned from their mistakes.
I would like to think that very few people who fall into a hole would stand by and watch you make the same mistake, especially not people who care about you. People who have been humbled are great to have around your marriage because they know where the holes are. Most marriages go through hard stuff. It makes sense to sit with those who have been through what you’re hoping to avoid and get solid marriage advice.
Proverbs 4:5-6 says to get wisdom and “she’ll guard you.” Humbled people have that wisdom. Asking them tough questions like, “What went wrong?” and “How can we avoid that?” is a great place to start. Not everyone will give you their entire life story, but that’s OK. Having the names of humbled people saved in your phone and seeking their wisdom will benefit your marriage.
Who has made the biggest impact on your marriage? Share in a comment.
