A coworker shared with me that he’d seen a chilling scene in Netflix’s 2019 movie, Marriage Story. A couple, hurdling toward divorce, resorts to screaming and cursing at each other about how the other person has failed them. The moment is nasty, raw, and very hard to watch. It’s so grating, the USDA decided to play the audio of the scene through loudspeakers to try and scare wolves away from cattle fields. Think about that. The sound of spouses screaming is so awful that the government found it was a useful tool to drive away predators.
When we’re yelling at home, we’re scaring away the person we love most. According to YouGov, about 30 percent of U.S. couples report having heated arguments at least once a week. Nearly 60% of couples experience this at least once a month. If the USDA listened to you speak to your spouse, would it find your tone useful enough to scare off wolves? I hope not. Even if you only shout occasionally, here are 7 things your spouse hears when you’re yelling.
1. “You’re dumb.”
Yelling is usually about dominance and volume. When we yell, we get loud to ensure we’re heard and get our point across. That point usually sounds like, “I know more than you, so just listen up and learn!” We communicate that we’re higher on the intelligence scale than our spouse. Being told you’re not smart stings.
2. “I’m done with you.”
With TV, we have options. Don’t like what you’re watching right this moment? You can just change the channel. But you can’t just change your spouse, and if you start yelling at them, they’ll hear, “I’m done with you,” just like “I’m done with this TV channel.” It tells your spouse you’ve found more value in something besides them. Sometimes you will get annoyed with each other, but the yelling takes those feelings a step further. It conveys that you don’t want to be around your spouse.
3. “Stay out of it.”
When your spouse is wrong about something, yelling only makes it worse. Flaunting how right you are says, “I don’t want you in this. I only trust myself,” or “I want you out of here. I want separation.” You may be right today, but that doesn’t excuse yelling. When you’ve communicated “Stay out of it,” you’ve told your spouse your relationship has a hierarchy, and you’re on top. The imbalance doesn’t lead to trust, love, or compassion.
4. “Your opinion is worthless.”
Yelling can often sound like arrogance. It can sound like you don’t value your spouse’s insights, desires, or experiences: “What you have to say means very little to me.” When you yell, you hurt the person you’ve committed to love through good times and bad. Yelling can leave a scar on our spouse. We choose our way over theirs; we make it clear that we favor ourselves.
5. “You need to be like me.”
In the early days of my marriage to my wife, Susan, I was guilty of trying to change her to be more like me. I knew myself well, so I figured if my wife were like me, she’d be better. That was a terrible thought process. I married someone different from me. You probably married someone who doesn’t do things the same way or think like you too. That’s a gift, not a burden. When you yell at your spouse, especially after they’ve done something differently than you would have, it says you want them to change. You’re no longer seeing them as an asset, but a hindrance.
6. “You’re a problem.”
It’s not “We have a problem,” but “YOU are the problem.” There is a major difference. Marriage includes identifying and working through problems as a team. When you yell at your spouse, he or she could easily think they’ve become the problem. If you yell all the time, your spouse will just assume you’re not interested in working through problems but just want to assign blame.
7. “You’re not worth the trouble.”
In the movie scene I referenced earlier, the yelling made one thing very clear: “The other person in this marriage is not worth fighting for. They are in the way of my happiness, so I’ll shout them down.” This is a line that’s very hard to cross back over. When we yell, we tell the other person that we’re not willing to put in the work to make the marriage stronger. Because it’s easier to yell than summon patience and calm, we tell that person they’re not worth the effort. Yelling is easy. Self-control and love are hard work, but worth it.
So, what do I do when I get angry?
1. AVOID yelling in the first place.
This is easy to say and hard to do. When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your adrenaline is pumping, and you don’t want to back off. You’re mad. You’re angry. When I get in these situations, I take a break from the discussion. There are so many times when I’ve had to walk away from a heated moment to avoid yelling or saying something I’d later regret. Taking a break to prevent yelling is like saying, “We’re not done with this conversation, but if we continue, it’s not going to go anywhere.” There’s nothing wrong with that. But don’t just leave it there. Put a time on the calendar to come back and discuss things again when you’re calmer. I think most things can wait until the next morning.
2. If you have already yelled, ADDRESS it.
I like the idea of choosing between being a thermometer or a thermostat in your marriage. Will you regulate the temperature or just measure it? Yelling ramps up the heat and intensity. The goal in marriage is to keep the temperature under control. Susan and I have navigated our yelling by using the speaker-listener technique, in which one person speaks at a time, and then the listener repeats the message back to the speaker. We take turns sharing, and that limits the yelling. It usually leads to a better understanding.
3. Lastly, ACCEPT responsibility.
After you’ve yelled, own it. Say, “I blew it.” Ask for forgiveness. It will strengthen your relationship and show your spouse that you truly care about them. Forgiveness is not what you think. It requires acknowledgement, but also action.
What can you do to exercise self-control the next time you’re about to yell at your spouse? Share in a comment.
