Marriage has been in a sharp decline over the last 50 years. About 66 percent of homes in the United States were headed by a married couple in 1975. That number dipped below 50 percent in 2010 and hasn’t rebounded. It marked the first time since the Census Bureau began tracking marriages in 1940 that more U.S. adults were unmarried than married. Why is this happening? It could be that marriage has fallen out of fashion, or people are just prioritizing other things. But perhaps one underdiscussed truth is that living with and caring for someone else is really hard.
All marriages take work. That’s true whether you’ve been married for five minutes or five decades. If that sounds discouraging, know that the work is both a blessing and a challenge. It’s a blessing because it shows you care enough to build up your marriage. It’s a challenge because it sometimes means we must do uncomfortable things to see the relationship thrive. If you want your marriage to thrive, and hopefully every spouse does, plan on working hard on a few key things. Here are 5 Cs all marriages need more of.
1. Connection
Spouses must spend time together. It’s the only way to consistently pour into your relationship. Coffee dates, weeknight walks, and uninterrupted moments are where your bond will be strengthened. So, schedule time to connect. Do game night. Go on dates. Have sex. Connection doesn’t have to last for hours, but it should happen often. Stare into each other’s eyes more than the screens of your smartphones. Choose habits that draw you closer, not push you apart. When you unplug a lamp, the light goes out. When you unplug from your spouse, the same thing happens.
2. Conversation
You’ve got to talk to each other. Not trivial stuff like, “What’s for dinner?” Have frequent, meaningful conversations with your spouse. Don’t avoid the hard stuff. Talk about your feelings, your stressors, your worries, and your joys. Reach down deep and share your heart with the person who cares about it most. Then make sure your spouse has a turn. Show you’re really interested in what your spouse has to say, and follow up with questions. When you speak vulnerably and take time to listen to each other, you establish trust, which is the building block of every strong relationship.
3. Compliments
It’s not possible to give too many of these. Genuine compliments fuel your spouse’s self-esteem. We can be the boost our spouses need when we say words that affirm, encourage, and recognize them. Look for the moments when your spouse is worn out. Those are the perfect times to step in with a compliment. It tells them you care about them and see the best in them.
4. Collaboration
Successful teams are made up of people who work toward a common goal. Spouses are forever teammates, so collaboration is a must. Your spouse is the person who loves you most! Who better to strive with? Because we work together, my wife, Susan, and I must collaborate at the office and at home. It can be challenging, but having a shared vision is key. If this sounds like a major pivot in your relationship, do what my friend Ted Lowe says and try to begin thinking “us” and not “me” with your spouse. If you’re struggling to find a common goal, talk it out, assess what matters, and collaborate on a roadmap to get there.
5. Care
Marriages need more empathy. It’s what takes marriages from selfish to selfless. Caring can look like listening, helping, or serving. Ask your spouse what makes him or her feel cared for. Susan and I take frequent trips together, and we always do our best to shut out distractions and put each other’s needs first. Eliminating distractions is how we show we care. However you show you care for your spouse, show it often. Say you care as well. Make it clear that he or she matters, and you care about what they’re feeling, dealing with, and worried about too.
How can you improve communication in your marriage? Share in a comment.
