One of the fastest-growing “sports” in the world is called slap fighting. If you’ve never heard of it, you can probably guess from the name what takes place. Two “strikers” stand across from each other and take turns slapping each other as hard as they can with an open hand. Whoever lasts the longest without bowing out or getting knocked out wins. Professional events have started to pop up, and some fighters’ winnings top $10,000!
We know slapping people across the face with your hand is wrong. But we do the same thing with our words all the time. When asked by Harvard Business School, 84% of people recalled receiving a backhanded compliment. Our words have the power to sting, even accidentally. It’s a reminder that we should always watch what we say and how we say it, especially around the people we love the most. Backhanded compliments may not seem as bad as a stiff right hand from a slap fighter, but we should guard our mouths for the benefit of others. Here are 4 backhanded compliments you may be unknowingly giving your spouse.
1. “You’re a good ____ for someone who …”
A good rule of thumb when giving compliments is to never qualify them. It immediately invites comparison. This isn’t fair because your spouse will rarely be the best or worst at anything. By qualifying your compliments, you’re reminding them of that. Instead, when you compliment your spouse, do it genuinely. “You’re a good ____” is sweet enough on its own. There’s no need to add a qualifier. Point out their successes and do it often.
2. “I’m impressed by your knowledge.”
Our spouses should never think we find them dumb. This compliment actually shows that you set the bar low for their intelligence. When people are told they are unintelligent, it’s a punch to their self-esteem. That’s why kids call each other dumb on the playground. Don’t treat your spouse like a kid. Look for opportunities to praise his or her ideas. Our spouses shouldn’t have any doubt that we respect, appreciate, and believe in them.
3. “You’re a much better ____ now.”
Trying to improve at anything is great. Maybe your spouse wants to become a more skilled painter, runner, or dancer. Complimenting improvement in their hobbies is usually safe. But if we are giving backhanded compliments about relational pursuits, this will leave your spouse feeling belittled. Telling your husband he’s a better listener now implies he fell shy of your standards before. Telling your wife she is a better cook now hints that you once disliked her food. Be careful when commenting on your spouse’s pursuit of improvement. What feels like flattery to you may sound grating to them.
4. “I’m surprised you did that so well…”
This is a common verbal blow that feels like no big deal to the person saying it. But it conveys to your spouse that you see him or her as limited. You may not really feel that way, but that’s what he or she will likely hear. It cracks the door to doubt. Phrase your praise in a way that doesn’t make it seem like your spouse’s accomplishment was always a long shot.
When have you received backhanded compliments? Share in a comment.
