My wife, Susan, is always trying to improve. She wants to be the best mom, wife, and boss possible, so she’s constantly asking herself questions. Her daily check-ins include questions like, “Did I do ___ well? Could I do ___ better?” She grades herself, believing asking good questions will help her steadily progress toward her goals. I love this about her, and it inspires me to ask her good questions too.
No matter how long you’ve been married, there is still more to learn about your spouse. When you two sit and talk, it is more than just an information-gathering opportunity. It’s a deep level connection opportunity. Some questions should be asked every day. Some, every year. How often should you do this? You’ll get a feel for it once you start. Here are 10 questions to ask your husband or wife regularly.
1. “What’s keeping you up at night?”
Just because you sleep next to your spouse doesn’t mean you really know what keeps them up at night. Is it something in the moment? Something looming? Ask what worries them most about tomorrow, because the unknown is often what stresses people the most.
2. “What can I take off your plate?”
“The Invisible Load of Motherhood” is one of the most popular iMOM podcast episodes of all-time. That tells me moms and wives are carrying a lot, and that weight isn’t always verbalized. Husbands, give your wives permission to vent when you see her getting frazzled. Ask her what she’d appreciate from you. Wives can do the same for their husbands when they look or sound overwhelmed. Offer to take the kids out for a while so they can have time alone. Ask what chores they like the least and do those. Make yourself available to lighten your spouse’s load.
3. “What’s causing you the most stress?”
Stress accumulates over time. It can contribute to hormone disruption for women, along with many other physical problems. It often leads to increased anger for men. Ask your spouse what’s stressing them out and help find solutions.
4. “What’s something you’re grateful for?”
Here’s a weapon to fight stress: Gratitude. It reduces stress by releasing endorphins throughout your body. Encourage your spouse to share what they are thankful for. It’ll make them forget those other worries, even if for a moment.
5. “What are you feeling?”
This changes during different seasons, so ask it routinely and expect different answers. Knowing what your spouse is feeling opens the door to fixing it or just feeling it with them. By asking this all the time, you consistently demonstrate that their feelings are always on your mind.
6. “How can we make more time for each other this week?”
Regular date nights are a big thing in our house and have been for years. I think couples should date weekly, but life can get in the way sometimes. Prioritizing connection starts with putting a date on the calendar. (FYI, this doesn’t have to be expensive.)
7. “Did anything make you laugh today?”
Laughter is powerful. It bonds people. If nothing made them laugh, take the opportunity yourself. Tell your spouse a joke. It doesn’t even have to be hilarious. Your effort will be noticed. Sharing laughter makes for happy couples, so think of questions to ask your husband or wife for fun.
8. “Is there anything we need to talk about that’s been put off for too long?”
Life gets busy. Worthwhile conversations can get bumped in favor of more immediate needs. Make sure to make time for those important topics that fell through the cracks.
9. “Who have you been thinking about lately?”
It’s likely kids, friends, or coworkers. Whoever is on your spouse’s mind, it’s because that relationship matters to them. That means it should matter to you. Inquire and listen.
10. “What are you proud of yourself for?”
When you’re proud of your accomplishments, you tend to have more satisfaction, confidence, and self-worth. Encourage your spouse to smile at the things they have gotten done.
How much time do you spend thinking of questions to ask your husband or wife? Share in a comment.
