What to Do When You Are Lonely in Marriage

lonely in marriage

As humans, we are not meant to be isolated. We all crave deep and lasting connections with other people. But we know it’s possible to feel alone in the middle of a crowd, and it’s possible to sleep in the same bed with someone for years and still feel lonely. Many of us never expect to be lonely in marriage, hoping that our spouse will be the lifelong companion who saves us from loneliness. Over time, however, couples can gradually disconnect from one another and find themselves feeling isolated and withdrawn.

Loneliness is not just about physical proximity, it’s about emotional connection. FamilyLife’s Dr. Dennis Rainey and his wife, Barbara, explain, “You may have sex, but you don’t have love. You may talk, but you don’t communicate. You live together, but you don’t share life.” If you’re feeling lonely in your marriage, here are some ways to reconnect with your spouse:

Make the first move. 

Feelings of loneliness are seldom felt by only one person in a relationship. If you’re feeling isolated, chances are your spouse is, too. Take the first step to reconnecting with them, even if it’s just a small gesture. Open up to them about how you feel and give them an opportunity to do the same. Healing cannot begin if you hide or mask your pain.

Forgive past hurts. 

Especially if you have been feeling alone for a long time, hurts have likely been building up in your marriage. Nothing breeds loneliness more than unforgiven hurt and conflict. If you have been wronged, make the decision to forgive your spouse. And if you have wounded them, seek their forgiveness immediately.

Spend time together.

This seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes couples get so busy or caught up in their individual lives that they neglect to simply spend time together. The less time a couple spends together, the more likely they are to feel distant from each other. This can be resolved by deliberately scheduling date nights in, date nights out, TV-free nights, and occasional weekend getaways—just for the two of you.

Make your time count.

The quantity of time together is important, but so is the quality of that time. Couples have to be intentional about their time together to create a marital connection. When you and your spouse are talking, put down your cell phone, set aside distractions, and focus on each other. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. Encourage and compliment your spouse. Make your moments together count.

Prioritize physical closeness. 

This is not just referring to sexual intimacy, though that is certainly an important part of marital closeness, but also to the little things that may have fallen by the wayside like holding hands or snuggling on the couch. The key to resurrecting physical touch is to start small. Sit close to each other, give neck massages, and pull out a surprise kiss. Getting closer physically will naturally lead to feeling closer emotionally.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. 

While the idea of seeking outside input on your marriage can be intimidating to many people, nearly every couple can benefit from marriage counseling. Getting an outside perspective can be extremely helpful to you and your spouse. Read my post to help determine if you should get counseling, and find tips to make sure you find the best counselor for you.

You may feel lonely in your marriage, but you are not alone in the struggle for marital intimacy. We have all experienced loneliness in our lives, but you don’t have to feel it in your marriage.

Have you ever felt lonely in your marriage? How have you responded to these feelings, and what have you done to reconnect with your spouse? Please share your story below.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • BJ_Foster

    Wow. Michael I am really sad to see where things are in your family. All I can think to do is pray for you. I would highly recommend speaking to a counselor or perhaps a pastor. I can tell there are years of pent up resentment that you need to work through before you make any decisions about your marriage. No matter what you decide you and your wife need to communicate and get everything out on the table. Before you call it quits I would exhaust all options of trying to make it better, including exploring your own faults that brought your marriage to this place and owning them. I’m not suggesting that cheating is acceptable or that you are to blame for it. But I’m sure there are ways you contributed to your marriage getting to this place. One of the hardest parts, but the one that will give you freedom, is forgiving her. If work hard on all of this then at least you can tell your daughters with honor, “I did everything I could.” I would also suggest investing time in your daughters, whether you have things in common or not. Immerse yourself into their interests. You may want to apologize to them for things you have said in the past that have possibly hurt their feelings. Spend time with each of them one on one. Ask them a lot of open ended questions. I feel for you Michael and will be praying for you.

  • BJ_Foster

    I know the difficulty of what I’m about to say. Love is as much about the will as it is about the emotions. Wake up each day with a mission to love your spouse and kids no matter what you get in return. Encourage them, do kind things for them, serve them, and pray for them. Challenge yourself to do something intentionally loving for each of them for 40 days. I know it will be hard, but do it and see what happens.

  • Miss Ling

    We’ve married over 6 years . But I was always feeling lonely from the start . But I’ve tried to make time together . He was always pull his family case in his words like ( you have to love my parents , my sisters , my brother than me ) … like that !!!!!
    He don’t know what I’ve faced many problems behind him . When my hubby wasn’t with me they are attack me , but if he come they are change like they love me , care me , .
    But if something happens, my hubby was always best me , told me that all are my mistakes!
    And he was cheating with another girl at midnight and deleted all the message they chat with . How do I think ? Should I go down with him ! Should I stop this stupid relationship, ? I have two daughters !

  • Areej

    M 11 year married have son age 9 . M 29 year old . Being alone destroying me . Husband busy in work office . Than office diners party 4 times in month . Than home with laptop mob work dealing customers all the time . Than 3 or 4 time in month to play PS4 to refresh his self he said . Daily 1 hour he play game in mob before sleep . Son olso have his own activities. M house wife stay at home enjoy doing dishes washing clothes vacuuming. Than bath diner . I have no friends connection of school or college friends. Only have parents who are in different country talk with them some time . Bt m feeling some thing is ending in me . Husband go out for dinner with me 2 times in month . 2 time he take me for grossly . We talk bt most of the time if needed . When Ian talking he always busy with work or he answer most of the time yes ok all right . He replied me in short answers. When I text him he reply so late in 1 or two words . Bt in home he always have mob laptop in hand replying friends customer in sec talk so nicly . Even shop keepers girls or boys . He cracking jokes laughing with . They all say he is so funny . Answers a lot talk so much with shopkeepers but no words with me . If any day I m not feeling good sleep early whole mid night he play game with son cooking . Watching movie . That time no work no busy . He don’t want me to go out alone or do job or studying start again . I think some thing getting finished in me frustration feeling low . Whenever I go out or meet his friend all say m beautiful . Bt he never appreciate when I dressed up or take new dye or dress . Not single words . And if I asked how m looking he say yes beautiful. M not getting what was going on with me .

  • farida christian

    holy prophet is one spiritual man i would forever give regards to, he brought my husband back to me after my old friend tried to blackmail me to take my husband and made him divorce me with wrong accusation. But this holy prophet did a prayer that resolved issues with my husband and push the other lady far away from him. I am happy to have my husband back, this prophet is great. his email is [email protected], he really surprised me.

  • Priya

    I am fed up with my husband. he rarely touches me from the beginning of the newly married life. it is about to completed two year. on the bed most of time gives me only good night kiss and sleep. I can’t understand why is he not interested in cuddling on the bed. there is lack of physical contact and intimacy between us. I am disappointed. he always says my love for you is in my heart, I don’t believe in show off…..If he do not show me affection than how could I feel love.

  • MetalHead4

    I am incredibly lonely in my marriage. All my husband wants to do is sleep. I’m ready to leave. I need companionship, I feel single, unwanted, unappreciated, and just alone. It’s killing me. Nothing I say gets across to him, I might as well be talking to the wall. I have to beg for sex, intimacy, alone time. I don’t get it, I’m too inconvenient for him. But when I want something like sex he says I’m selfish. Wtf kinda crap is that, it should be the other way around. I’m sick of living like this, I’ve waited 3 years for change and it’s still the same. I’m so unhappy.

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  • Glenda Naicker

    I have been divorced for 14 years had an abusive husband,Alcoholic,cheating husband…left with my two kids after 10 years I was introduced to another divorcee…and with time we fell in love…he became my best friend my love and my soul mate. ..we lived together for 5 years but never married…he was offered a job in another town 2000 miles away…I gave up my life and we left with him…taking his son with…in hope for a better future…everything suddenly changed he changed…he had his son now 21 and a successful career his son worked with him…it was about them…there was no me anymore no us…as time went by it became unbearable and lonEly. ..eventu all I couldn’t take it and decided to go back home with my kids…he didn’t hesitate and just let go…I realised there is no love I this world…just people who are opportunists…and use you when they down…they dispose of u when the successful and forget the times you were for their pillar…I’ve learnt to love me and never go down that road…it hurts like he’ll but with time it will heal it may take days years and months but I will get there…the saddest part is that he had someone that really loved him and he never knew how much…I wish him the best in his life with no regrets..for the years we had was the happiest time in my life…it may have been for a moment but the memories I take forever…the saddest part is I knew we could have grown old together and been happy but u never gave us that chance…I pray god gives u someone that loved u the way I did…u were my life my heartbeat…

  • CodeRose

    I’m the same. Except I have 1 son and my Husband and I have been married for 10 years, and he goes gambling with the “boys”. I haven’t felt his hugs or cuddles in years. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight due to a thyroid and hive problem, so I blame myself. I’m too disgusting to touch. I get a kiss only when we go our separate ways to work. He says I love you all the time but I just don’t feel loved, wanted or adored. Sleeping in the same bed and being lonely at the same time is heart breaking. I try talking with him about my feelings but he’d rather text me during the day, starting arguments. He never puts me down but makes me feel sad and lonely a lot. I Lay awake at night for him to come home, when I try to get mad at him for it, he sends me texts to make me feel guilty, how he never gets to do this or I’m always mad at him or making a big deal out of nothing. Start to second guess myself, I cry a lot at night, he never knows. Unsure if he would ever cheat on me nowadays. The next day of late gambling or drinking, he’s always so sorry and never wants to do it again, but you all know the drill. I’m so lonely..and hurt….and depressed.

  • Ian Blaga

    I’ve been married for 21 years. I’m an agnostic man, and my wive a muslim religous (wear a hijab & wanna a niqab).. I feel bad and loss her.. Badnews, i live in her (muslim) world.. Feeling bad huh..? No! just lonely.. :'(

  • Sapna

    I am married for 4.5years now and have a baby girl of 3years but since the time I have been married there has never been true love in the relationship. Initially after marriage I used to stay in a joint family consisting of mother in law father in law two sister in laws and a few as le dog during that time privacy was negligible between me and my husband. There were often fights created mostly by my mother in law. My husband even had raised his hand on me that time. He even snatched the mangalsutra he gave me but after all this I still continued to be with him and now I have a baby. Later my in less shifted and now it’s just me my husband and my baby but I tend to have no feelings of love for him no matter how hard I try. We hardly have sex. He likes my company only when I drink alcohol with him or rose he will go out eith his friends every weekend to party and come only in the morning and sleep. I lost all my friends my freedom after marriage but he deosnt understand my loneliness and sorrow sometimes I feel like running away but I can’t cose of my daughters furure

  • Tim

    I have been married to my wife for 2 years, I am 31and she is 24, the problem I have is that she never seems to make an effort to do anything with me, she goes out often down the pub and down town yet never asks if I want to go with her or puts me before anyone else and makes plans with me. I am constantly the one who, if we do anything plans it and asks her if that’s what she wants to do.
    She never does anything to make me feel important or more important than her friends and family its like I’m always 2nd best, I have spoke to her about it in which she said she will try harder but this was last August and yet nothing has changed. We communicate well, make each other laugh and have a good intermate sex life, and we tell each other we love you everyday, I just don’t understand why she never puts me first or wants to do anything with me

  • Helen

    My husband and I have been married for 4 years almost 5 on July 11th. he recently told me he wasn’t in love with me that he loved me more like a friend. he said he wants a divorce that he has been unhappy fora year now. I’ve been not so good as far as making promises and not keeping them but I have been trying to change and it doesn’t seem to work. I love my husband to death and I took my vowels very seriously. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said no. we have 3 kids 3 2 and 10 months. We agreed to a 2 month break and try to work things out after that. Some of the problems we face are not having or own place to live and may be debt pile up. I really want things to work. The hurt that I feel is killing me and I’m to the point where I don’t eat and rarely drink anything. Idk weekday to do all I know is he is my soul mate and I want him back. he wants his space during the 2 months and I am trying to give him that space i just want to know there is a chance to fix it and he isn’t giving me that chance.I don’t know what to do I feel like I need to give up but I can’t and i came across where various people where sharing DR GREAT testimony on how he help people to rebuild there marriage and make the love stronger forever so i decided to give him a try and told him all i am facing in my marriage, to my greatest surprise after the love spell my husband came home himself and told me to forget the past that he is still in love with me madly. people all over the world that need solution to their marriage should immediately contact DR GREAT vis his direct email: [email protected]

  • Jeanette

    I’ve been married for 26 years. I could see us drifting apart for years. We don’t sleep together because he has sleep apnea but can’t use a machine, so I wouldn’t be able to sleep. We work full time opposite shifts, sometimes not seeing each other for days. Our children are living away from home. Everything in our lives is separate…bills, sleeping arrangements, etc. We used to have things in common but he now refuses to talk about the things that we once shared interest in. He will NEVER open up emotionally about anything and if I try to talk about how I feel, he typically won’t respond or gets defensive. When I tried writing a letter to him about my feelings, he ended up throwing it in the garbage. I’ve tried 3 counsellors, before getting him to agree to come, and then he was just upset and said we were “ganging up on him”. We were at a marriage retreat but the euphoric feeling was very short lived. He is nothing like the man I dated and married. He will never talk about feelings, dreams, or traveling like he used to. He was once very romantic but now seems like he couldn’t care less. When the weather is nice, he’s content just getting on his motorbike and driving around. I’ve put up a wall of indifference because I’ve shed so many tears in the past that I’m trying to protect myself. The cost of going back to a counsellor is too expensive right now so I sit day in and out by myself. Our marriage is racked with past problems….ex-spouse, emotional affair, false accusations. Many things have been said and done that can’t be erased, but unwillingness to deal with these things has led to resentment and isolation.

  • Neha Tyagi

    I am newly married with 6 months marriage, my in-laws and husband wants to have baby and now I am 5 months pregnant . it was a love marriage , we both live in 2 different cities of India with totally different culture . our love started at Facebook since 2010 and in end of 2016 we got married. We spend maximum of our relationship on phone itself. I found him perfect for me as he is polite, hardworking and honest. After a month of our marriage in October I lost my job . my husband wants me to come and live with him and plan for carrier after the delivery of our baby. I thought it will be the best as I can enjoy my marriage and pregnancy both with my 6 year love to whom I know on phone only. I shifted to his city though my parents were financially dependent on me but somehow I manage the things by my savings. Now it’s been 4 months I am living with my husband but I feel as if I am in jail. Early morning he goes to office and return at 7 PM. He don’t talk much , we don’t have any sex . he is rarely interested in me and my talks. He don’t even bother listening me. And I scream and cry and demand for his time. Only thing he use to say is I am facing busy schedule. We didn’t went to anywhere for honeymoon . I started feeling like maid. I am totally upset, he even don’t want to talk to me…feel like doing a suicide , I am so much depressed . sometimes I feel he never loved me, it was my misconception on phone . what to do?

  • Monique

    I’m newly married and am writing this in tears. I’ve confined in my husband and told him that I’m lonely. I told him that choosing his friends and leaving me to go to the bar by myself really upset me. I told him how my depression is getting worse and all the while he says nothing. We use to be so close and did everything together (we’ve been together over 5 years) but ever since we moved closer to his family he has put me aside for them. Did I mention that I quit my job and left my entire life to move across country with him only to get here and be given the cold shoulder. We’re never intimate anymore and have only had sex maybe 4 times since we’ve been married. We got married in February. I don’t know what to do.

  • Max

    Obviously proximity to his family/friends has everything to do with this. Maybe he’s stepped back into some bad habits (maybe an old girlfriend?) that he doesn’t want to admit to. I would do some serious investigating.

  • Dawn Marie Payne

    I have been married for 25 years now, I know everyone has their ups and downs but now the kids are always gone and I’m all alone. He sits on the couch and watches sports and I sit in my room and watch movies. He doesn’t care about that. All he can think about is the money we don’t have or buying another house someday. I work full time and when I can I go out with girlfriends to listen to music and he gets mad because I do that, but he never wants to do anything with me. He says I hold out on him. I have been having erratic periods and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me at those times. I feel completely helpless not to mention hormonal. I crave closeness that I do not have. “Feeling miserable

  • Tired and exhausted

    Me and my husband have been married for almost 7 years this year. Are marriage has never been the perfect marriage but it was deff better than it is now. It all started when his children from a previous marriage had to come live with us i love them to pueces but it was a lot for me to take on and my children as well as our marriage started instantly struggling financially it all went down hill from there, its not the kids fault ive told them that but their lives r more important than our time together anymore. We no longer live together and my husband has been struggling bad financially he lives with his mom with his 2 kids and i live in my own apartment with our 2 children together. He doesnt help me with kids financially he pops in maybe 2 times a week to see kids he doesnt help me parent at all. On the brink of a divorce now, and hes been struggling with pills which he refuses to admit hes hooked but says he has a problem. He shows up and wants sex , really? I do everything on my own we hardly ever talk to each other and then he wants to do that out of nowhere please help me idk what to do, everytime i pray for guidance i feel luke God wants mw to stick it out, but how?? I dont understand pkease help my situation is just awful

  • Latisha Chevallier

    I know this is an old post, but these past few months I have felt extremely lonely in my marriage. I’ve cried more. I just don’t know what to do. My husband would rather be by himself than with me and the kids. He is gone from sun up to sun down (mostly working but sometimes visiting relatives and friends). This is every single day. When he comes home, it’s usually to eat and shower and then he is in bed. The other day he decided he wanted to stay at the house we are eventually moving into and told me he wanted peace and to be alone. I have never had alone time and he had never said that before. We had been arguing the previous day. Same argument about him never being home and always putting others before the people in his home (wife and kids). He feels like he doesn’t have to be home but to sleep. He doesn’t realize how much he’s breaking my heart by never wanting to be around me. Today we were singing karaoke and he turns and says, “you know what would be great, me and my bottle of whisky at the new place and me getting wasted.” It totally killed the karaoke mood because he doesn’t like being around me, even when we are good. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m tired of crying. I love him and I don’t want a divorce but I’m starting to feel like, maybe he does.

  • Kacie

    My husband and I have been married almost three years and we have a nine month old son. Well my husband likes to play video games and it was never a problem until about a year ago now.. He spends almost his whole day in his own game room only coming out to use the bathroom or gets a drink or food. He doesn’t spend but maybe three hours if his time with me and of that time our son gets maybe 20 or 30 minutes.. He doesn’t see the problem, he says he needs his space, but he has all the space in the world because he’s literally in there from the time he wakes up until around 12:30-1:30am on his off days, on work days he gets up at like 8am and is on until it’s time for work then comes home sees our son for about 30 mintues then tells me to put him to sleep and spends the remaining 2 1/2 hours with me then plays his game until 12:30-1:30 am..I’m so sick of this I want to leave, but I keep hoping things will get better and to make things worse we moved from Texas to where we live now in Indiana two years ago. I have no family here. I’m at a lose what should I do.

  • v. lamont

    Why did you marry him??? If all you did was fight all the time…a piece of paper doesn’t change behaviour…please comprehend there are relationships to be had were kindness and respect exist for each other… And make the changes to believe in yourself enough to empower those choices.

  • Chris k

    I feel lonely to the point where I’m leaving. Been married for along time but things just aren’t good

  • Chris k

    I felt less lonely when I was single

  • Donna Rickard

    I love my husband but we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore and we don’t really talk anymore?! And he said he loves me but he feels lonely?! My husband is also addicted to drugs! We been together for 12 years!

  • Tabitha

    I have tried all the above married for 20 yrs have had marriage counseling 4 5 times, through church.. Went to Family Life conference 1 time. I’m now 43, He ignores has, for yrs our girl’s. That makes me very sad. Ran up debt on his hobbies, racing traxes cars etc.. Literally comes home from work sits on comp. plays his interent games hrs, can’t even talk to him, and I caught him 2 times talking indecent to a female, online gamer my girl’s have said I never want a marriage like yours, I dont have means to leave, he has claimed Christ for years, there’s nothing in me anymore that want’s it to work.. I’m sad to say, not to mention I do all yard work, you name it. And still work outside home, I use work full time, but had quit cause couldn’t handle work load and home. 🙁 I’m tired!!!

  • Tim

    It’s 1 and half year of our marriage but I dnt feel happy my husband is gud he says he loves me ..but I dnt feel it..I dnt want to be in stuff of marriage ..my life was more exiting before marriage ..I dnt like his family I m unable to accept any of his family members .i know problem is in me but I dnt know I can’t live away from him .but I can’t live with him ..I feel depressed bcz of it .dnt know what to do

  • Khushboo Shaw

    I m married for last six yrs n hv two kids… My in laws dnt like me at all and my husband don’t spend time with me he says his work is worship previously he use to come n love me although we had no conversation but nowhe don’t even bother to love me physically as if beta ho gya toh now I m nothing to him… I feel very alone here in this family… No one cares loves me not even my hubby we r only staying together but not sharing life together I miss love happiness Woh apnapan in my life feels left alone by everyone dnt want to stay or live what to do….

  • Ambika

    This same is happening wid me

  • Betty Medero Santiago

    Are you kidding me??? I made the first move so many times and forgiving him. I have try all the above, but it takes two, not one. Giving me the silent treatment for weeks and months. Everything can be good as long as I agree with what ever it is he wants, but let me disagree and we are back to square one, 12 yrs for me is enough. I am serious thinking about divorce. I have fought to much for this marriage to the point the I think he hurt me on purpose, so I can leave him and believe me it’s getting there.

  • Dreams09

    Me and my husband have been married almost 4 years. I usually used to get lonely when he was working a lot or if he was away on work. Lately it doesn’t matter if he is away or here. I know I have issues. That recently i didn’t even know played a role. I just he has female friends in his life that have used him for whatever. One he claims was never more than a friend but she lived with him and well I just have a gut feeling. I know that isn’t always a all-telling sign but in my world, it’s usually right. Even if they weren’t I think he was. Which just doesn’t help any. I find myself feeling like I was his last choice. If I try to tell him how I feel he calls my feelings ridiculous. Which even if they are it just hurts to hear him say it. As for the friends well can’t even go there or I’m just a crazy jealous wife. Never thought marriage would be so rough.

  • Leslie Roth

    I have been married for 7 years and together for 9 years. I am an addict & so is my husband. We have overcome so much together and felt so close on so many levels. We both went to college for the same field but I was the one who went to work 1st. We have a small child and he remained at home with a part time job while I worked long hours and so great of pay. Things were tough even with a college degree. He got an interview for a fantastic job making a lot more money than me and it’s with a lot of people in an industrial setting. He met a girl there who he knew from an outpatient rehab facility and she had his demon/drug of choice right there at his disposal. He relapsed and started seeing this woman behind my back and it went on for several months. I started noticing our money dwindling. I got suspicious and checked all the phone records and I found out the truth through deleted texts. He told this woman things I’ve never heard from him. It killed my soul. This was in November 2016 & it’s now July 2017 & it still hurts today just like it did then. I am stuck in the grief cycle and it’s driving him away. I think it’s his fault and he should deal with my emotion and lately all I want is for him to feel my pain. I fee like I’ll never get there. This is killing me….literally.

  • Daphne

    it is hard for me my husband is drunk everyday and smoking dope I hate it he is never himself and I don,t know who he is anymore or did I ever know.We have been married for 25 years but he drank most all the years we have been married.I am angry because these addiction stole him away from me or was is always there and this love was never real.

  • Daphne

    I am sick and tired of being alone.He even starts a fight with me so he can take off to drink and be in the bars.What do I do now

  • R Girl

    Its been 3 months since I got married. My husband says he loves me but I don’t feel it from him. He always gets angry and rude to only me for no reason. He is friendly, talkative and happy with his friends and cousin. He has time for them but not for me. He has nothing to talk to me and always expects me to talk. He doesn’t spEnd even 15 minutes time for me. When ever he takes me out he takes his friends. He says he loves me but I don’t feel in his deeds. I feel lonely and cry when I think, he doesn’t even think of me as I do think. When I see him happy with others and a different person with me, I feel sad. He makes love with me when he wants. I don’t feel the love in heart. I lost my happiness.

  • Bridget

    yep, I got the silent treatment too. 62 days last year my husband didn’t talk to me. Yes, I counted. Every time I wanted to discuss, he walked away and wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. That’s how I knew it was more than friends.

  • NikkiMearsCrader

    I’ve been in a very very similar situation. I also feel as if I’m to the end of my rope. One person can not save a marriage. We’ve been married 20 years. The past 7 have been rough. The past 3 or 4 have turned me into a depressed lonely person. I lay in bed 24/7. I have a 10 yr old daughter who needs me. I feel like I’m not gonna come out of this lonely depression unless our marriage changes. He doesn’t seem to want to change it. We haven’t had sex in years due to suppose issues he has. But refuses to see a Dr. We never are even in the same room. I don’t want to be this sad depressed person anymore. I want my husband back. Im at a loss. I was wondering how your marriage was going. If good what steps did you take? I’m grasping for any answers or help. Thanks for your time.

  • MetalHead4

    Hi Nikki,
    I’m so sorry to hear all this hurt you are feeling but I can sympathize with you and understand where you are coming from. I also lay bed 24/7 usually but I’ve had 3 spinal fusions. You’ve been married much longer than I have (7 years here) so what you are talking about sounds “typical” as things tend to get monotonous. What I can tell you is to not give up, there is hope! My marriage has done a complete 360 turn around. It was ALOT of pain, suffering and tears, so many tears. I had to remember to be patient because things didn’t get this bad overnight so they wouldn’t be fixed overnight. It had gotten so bad that I actually left one evening in a rage of anger from being unheard in a argument and went to a hotel an hour a way for the night. He came looking for me and we talked and worked things out. I think that was a HUGE wake up call to him because I never really felt heard before that. We’ve been working on ourselves because obviously we can’t fix each other, only ourselves. I’ve learned to step down a little with the intimacy thing and it’s made him want it more. Also making romantic dinners and lighting candles in the bedroom helps set the mood. Getting over the awkwardness wasn’t too hard. We basically fell in love again. That might be what’s wrong with your marriage? One thing i kept thinking of while trying to “fix” my marriage was the movie Fireproof. The patience and persistence is what I had to keep telling myself I needed to do/have. My husband also has health issues and was stubborn to see a dr too. That’s definitely annoying lol. I think men are just like that, keep trying to get him to go. Also maybe he’s lost his sex drive and is just in denial about it? Cialis has been an absolute lifesaver for us! Hang in there and don’t give up! I know it’s easier said than done that’s for sure! If you need to talk I’m here for you ?

  • Martha

    I have done everything I can to make this marriage work, while he has done nothing. He doesn’t stick up for me, when his adult children from a former marriage talks bad about me, he just sits there nodding his head. He sleeps 20 hours a day, does not talk to me, we have no intimacy, no nothing. I’ve had it.

  • Dana Kruckenberg

    Mine was throwing things, breaking his own things snatching pictures of his late children off the mantle and slapping himself violently while blaming me for things that never even happened but were done to him by his last wife He divorced.

    We went to Christian counseling but bc she is a woman, he quit. I actually have been a Bible teacher and women’s counselor for many years, a wife of a godly husband for 33 years (and mother of 5) before I was widowed 4 years ago. Current husband is a Christian as well, but full of anger over little things like throwing out an unread
    newspaper I subscribed to and paid for before we met!

    The verbal abuse escalated once we moved from my house and my son’s family living there, to a new house we bought together in another state. I walk on land mines, but I do love him. Counseled with the pastor’s wife, and then another male Christian counselor, and both asked, “Are you sure you want to stay in this marriage?” I have the book Verbal Abuse as a reference and apply the excellent strategies.

    I answered yes I want to stay in this marriage , because he does love me, and we do get along in all areas, physically, beliefs and lifestyle, even our upbringing is very similar. But the shouting, sarcasm and belittling over very little or no provocation wears thin! The last straw that sent him to the same male Christian counselor was when he violently banged his head against the wall to the point that we went to the emergency room! If I had called 911, he would have been held for mental observation. We’ve been married
    2 1/2 years now, and are somewhat learning to adapt to one another’s personalities.

    Since God hates divorce, he will have to be the one to leave. At 66, he would not only be liable for spousal abuse if he hits me, but elder abuse as well, which is taken very seriously. So believing wife, take your stand for Christ, while protecting yourself any any children from harm!

  • Donna Mayfield

    My fiance works in the oilfield he’s only home about a week every month most of the time when he’s in the field he doesn’t have time to talk to me or when he does he doesn’t listen I fear that if I marry him things will never change how do I make a change before we get married

  • Heather Nelson

    This is completely twisted and naive. God would not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. My heart breaks for you. If you can find the courage please leave.

  • Elizabeth

    You are seeing the handwriting on the wall. Can you imagine a lifetime of not being listened to? Move on. You will thank yourself one day.

  • foffnoob

    One advice that is true is, never listen to advice from a person who have faced the problem and failed, much less a person whom have never faced the problem. Listen to advice from a person who have faced the problem and succeeded.

    I’m going to tell you truth that might be hurtful, but it’s the truth. As much as he doesn’t listen, you probably don’t listen to him either. Men & women speak in different languages. It’s been scientifically proven that words are the least effective method of communication. Some say 90%+ of communications are non verbal. So he might not have heard your verbal communication, but I’m sure he’s heard your non-verbal communication, and it wasn’t good.

    First, marriage is about dedication. Decide in your heart first if you want to succeed in marriage, or fail. If you choose fail, it usually means you’ll fail forever, so better to give up the idea of ever re-marrying, because the scenario will happen again. Whatever that scenario is. It just means, you do not have the skills, or not willing to learn the skills to make marriage work.

    If you decide to succeed, go seek out couple counselors. Go alone if your husband doesn’t. It’ll be a lot of work, and pain, and struggle, and frustration. But what it wont give you is regret. Even if marriage fails, you’ll have peace of mind that you gave your all. I did all, and read books upon books, talk to counselor upon counselors. There is hope, but not if you quit. You’ll keep quitting.

    So go back to top of this post, and find some counselors that have good success rate. First thing you should ask. If its anything < 60%, don't go back.

  • Ayesha Khan

    hi I am 26 yrs old it’s been 7 yrs I got married and have 2 kids all these years I’ve been trying to get my husband’s time attention and love and I’ve been trying really hard for this I even got into conversation abt this with him but he probably tricks me out he always have an excuse the prb is he dosent have time for me he stays abroad and comes for like a week in every 3 months and still he is not at all interested in me when ever I plan a date together he hardly speaks or fights for something I wouldn’t even think whenever he is home he mostly goes out with his friends or goes shopping with me and kids
    basicly there is no romance in our relationship
    plz advice me something that he should go crazy abt me he should start giving me his time that I deserve all those romantic and intimate moments I deserve