Giving Forgiveness

 

Granting forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a decision. When you really forgive someone, you are making specific promises to yourself and to your spouse. You are saying:

1. “I will not dwell on this incident.” Don’t replay the incident in your mind. If you do, it’s like burying the hatchet but  keeping the handle uncovered just in case you want to use it   again.

2. “I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.” That means you will not keep a record of wrongs.

3. “I will not talk to others about it.”

4. “I will not allow this matter to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • guest

    I wish it were that easy. I try real hard. I just don’t always succeed.

  • guest

    I tried to forgive an affair my husband had 29 years ago, but, lately when I see some of the same things happening again, in our lives, what do you do? It’s hard not to think of the past when he lies about simple things that don’t need to be lied about. He also hides and conceals from me and others. Please help.

  • Ryan

    If self defense from fear of being hurt again is a challenge, that is also the very reason to forgive. The burden remains on the person harboring the feelings. There is nothing as sweet as the peace that follows forgiving someone…….even if they are wrong. I don’t agree with allowing others to continually take advantage of you either and that needs to be dealt with. In the end, the best thing for one’s own soul is to forgive. if the other continues the patterns of destructive relationship acitivity that cannot be ignored…………but there is no sense in adding more to your burden than your already dealing with by keeping the past present as Mark has mentioned……even if it is done for the selfish purpose of peace of your own soul!

  • Guest

    I remember the time before my husband and I got married – we had to attend this pre-cana and take a “test”. In one of the questions, we had both answered the same – we will not forgive if the other one cheats on us. Our parish priest said that wasn’t the correct answer. He said that we should forgive the one who has wronged us. Pretty easy to say but very hard to do, especially when you are in that situation. I would suggest talking to your spiritual adviser, if you have one. And the most important thing is to pray unceasingly…by God’s grace, you will get past this.

  • Jflasher

    It isn’t easy to forgive someone, especially when they have hurt you. It is a decision, but once you make the decision it’s time to move on. Who benefits from anger, or ill feelings that get in the way of family life. There is too much at stake to dwell on hurt or disappointment from the past. One can let these things destroy all that is good or one can focus on the future and those around you.

  • brad

    Ive held on to this subject for 17 years of marriage ! Its very hard to bury it when your mother-in-law throws it in your face when she is present EVERYTIME!!!!!! But im working every day to forgive her to?

  • inchi88

    Just as the seeds that cause offense can be planted and buried very deeply into our psyche, we need to dig deep into what forgiveness really means and entails in order to totally remove the roots of bitterness that may continue to grow should real forgiveness not take place. Thank you for this insight.

  • crystal

    What I find the hardest in forgiveness is when my husband hasn’t shown any remorse or repentance from what he did or when the past problem is still affecting our current circumstances. Someone told me if I needed an apology I was never going to be able to forgive it and it suddenly struck me that “while we were yet sinner, Christ died.” That means he forgave us before we asked. I still don’t know how to get rid of the past and keep the bitterness out…but I “know” I need to.

  • Hi everyone. Tomorrow I’ll be answering the question, “Does forgiving someone mean you trust them?” Hope you’ll join me again with your thoughts.

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  • Concerned Mom

    How do you get two siblings to forgive and forget? My two son’s have not spoken in 6 years. To make a long story short it was over a girl who is no longer in the picture. The older son feels extremely betrayed. The younger son has apologized over and over and has written letters but it doesn’t seem to matter. It has caused much friction in our lives. The sad part is they were very young at the time 18 and 20. I can only hope time heals all wounds but after this long I am not so sure. I have tried several times to get them to talk but it doesn’t go anywhere.

  • Peggy_moralez

    Well forgiveness is a choice and not to forgive means one is not willing to let go of the past so they can move on, we are the only creatures on the face of this earth that does this to themselves and it’s all by choice. We choose to be miserable by not forgiving and letting go, again by choice it’s our own decision. And we are to act as though all is well because that is what you want to happen, and if it keeps on happening then let go and walk away, or find a way to help the one that keeps injuring them-self and the one they love. Act in faith for it is your faith that saves you, because it is what the good book says, not that he would save you from your self, but he did give you tools and rules that if applied will work if you believe in them, they are for all not just some, but all those who believe, and who take these words to heart and act upon them! Believe and have faith, ask for strength to endure this test of your faith!

  • Ceduffy11

    the “past” re-visits me so often, I find it too difficult to forgive. I can’t trust anybody and I can’t believe there’s true goodness in anybody’s heart. It’s sad.

  • Ampenny51

    Even if you never say anything to the person you have forgiven, because they really did not know they were in need of forgiveness from you in the first place, it is very freeing to the forgiver. In my case I am now able to pray for that person who is now in a fractured relationship situation between the spouses, whereas, in the past (pre-forgiveness) I would not be crying out for God to help them. And isn’t that what God wanted of me all along….

  • Troubled in Tampa

    I am struggling with this problem right now.  Bitterness is HUGE in my marriage. My husband has a tremendous amount of bitterness and is just negative and very unpleasant to be around.  I never know the mood he’ll be in.  I have “forgiven” him and listened to all the times he promises to change and it continues again and again.  Ryan’s comment above was interesting to me.  He said:  “The burden remains on the person harboring the feelings. There is
    nothing as sweet as the peace that follows forgiving someone…….even
    if they are wrong. I don’t agree with allowing others to continually
    take advantage of you either and that needs to be dealt with. In the
    end, the best thing for one’s own soul is to forgive. if the other
    continues the patterns of destructive relationship acitivity that
    cannot be ignored…………but there is no sense in adding more to
    your burden than your already dealing with by keeping the past present
    as Mark has mentioned……even if it is done for the selfish purpose
    of peace of your own soul! ”  The interesting part is…his comment about continuing to allow the to take advantage of you…it and it needs to be dealt with! H O W is my question.  My husband went to counseling on his own ONE TIME in our 17 years of marriage. Just recently…but that was it.  ONE time.  One visit won’t fix anything.  I am struggling to forgive him and I am beginning to harbor alot of bitterness and resentment.  It’s destroying our marriage. I dont’ know what to do.

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