3 Ways to Be Your Wife’s Boyfriend

3 ways to be your wife's boyfriend_thumb

 

Today, my wife Susan, director of iMOM, is going to share with us about how to be your wife’s boyfriend. I’m taking notes. You can also follow Susan on Twitter.

I did some highway driving this week and heard a new song—well, new to me. The chorus began and ended with “I did it for the girl.” What did he do? The singer did a lot of little things to please his girl. He cleaned up the truck, he splashed on some aftershave, he cued up the mood music, and he danced with her in the sunset. It worked for her and the song has a happily romantic ending.

The difficulty is that many of the little nuances that made you your wife’s boyfriend take thought and time.  Those are two things parents have little of—creative energy to think and time to make it happen. But romance works, and work it you must, because women are wired to want it. When a girlfriend becomes a wife, and then a mother, her wiring does not change. She still wants whatever attracted her to you in the beginning.

She wants to feel like your girl. To bring back that feeling and become her boyfriend again, you must recall and reenact the little things that brought her joy. Every woman is different and only you know what does it for her. That is why your wife married you and not someone else.

You had that something special that got her going and…

You did it for the girl, your girl.

So bring back the guy she fell in love with. Here are 3 ways to Be Your Wife’s Boyfriend:

  1. Bite the Bullet. You might like to spend time with your wife by going out to eat or going on a walk together.  But she likes, in her words, “deep relational points of connection.” She wants to talk about dreams and passions.  She wants to see thought-provoking movies. Well, if that’s what she likes, that’s what you need to do.  And you know what they say, when your wife’s happy, you’re happy!
  2. Bring Back the Magic. You’ve still got it in you, if you dig deep enough. Think back to when you were dating. Think about the things you did that made her day.  Was she a “words girl?” Compliment her. Did she like flowers? Spend an extra 10 minutes and 10 dollars to buy her a bouquet on the way home. Did she swoon when you cleaned her car for her? Do something extra nice for her today.
  3.  Let Her Know You’re Trying. Sometimes, it really is the thought that counts. If you feel like your efforts are going unnoticed, tell her that you’re trying to be the man she fell in love with. That alone will mean a lot to her. Then, ask her what she needs and wants from you, just like any good boyfriend would.

 

What are some other ways you romance your wife as her boyfriend? I’d love to hear your ideas.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • http://RaisingWomen.com/ James Dibben

    Actually what my wife and I enjoy doing together the most is sharing a meal out.

    What I struggle with is realizing that the meal doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. It is really just an excuse to get out and enjoy each other’s company free of interruptions.

    Thanks for the advice, Susan!

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    I agree with your wife – free of interruptions whether your kids are toddlers or teens!

  • Franky

    I know for every generalization, there are exceptions. “She wants to talk about dreams and passions.” We are the exception. “I don’t want to just sit here and talk, let’s watch a movie,” she says. Ha ha ha. So we watched a movie. Thanks for this reminder. I decided to offer her a hit chocolate based on this and she accepted. Thanks!

  • Shelly

    I would be happy with a picnic lunch at the lake with my sweetie. Unexpected flowers & chocolates are nice too. My hubby surprised me yesterday with a cherry limeade from Sonic (my favorite), and that was just as good. It doesn’t have to be big or extravagant things.

  • Kay

    After reading the 7 ways I could be a girlfriend to my husband, I was quite disappointed to see 3 ways for my husband to be a boyfriend to me.  Please dig deeper & have a great article like yesterdays for wives to be loved & adored. 

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Chocolate – works for me.  It is cheap and available in gourmet sorts at every drug store.  How easy is that? Buy her pounds!

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    So cute.  Mine always brings me dessert when he has a business dinner out.

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Kay, I will have to think about that.  Women are so different, don’t you think?  What make you feel loved?  

  • Bonita

    I so agree!!!!!!!! Only three things for a husband??? Who wrote this and every one of the three ways are so empty. Yes, this is so shallow. 

  • Kay

    All of the 7 ways I am to adore him is a good place to start.   Communication is key.  I will also go back to Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.  Take the time to find out what my love languages are.  The husband needs to get over trying to put his love language on his wife.  Realize & accept that she may not love what he loves. 

    I will compliment my husband as much as possible but please don’t expect compliments when the job should have been hired out.  He needs to accept that he cannot do everything. 

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Great point, especially about the love languages.  Mark used to do things for me like the laundry and then would get disappointed when I was moderately thankful–acts of service just isn’t my language.  It is hard to always remember what love language really meets someones needs but it is a smart to start!  Thanks.

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Hi Bonita,  I wrote it.  I will try to think deeper.  Do you have anything you like your husband to do in particular?  For Mark doing the “out to dinner” date is his go to for time with me–he likes to eat.  It is not really my favorite.  I like to “really” talk.  I am a creative thinker and like to explore what I am thinking outside my brain with another adult- him.  So my number 1 above is just me.  

  • Eric

    Good article, I defiantly plan on taking some pointers form the last few post. However, I am a younger Husband/Father, and my Wife is even younger and also not the mother of my beautiful Daughter. Lately we have been having a lot of problems between us and I think they directly relate to my situation with my Daughter (mostly out of my control). She is a great Step mom whom puts lots of time and effort into my Daughter’s schooling (volunteering, making lunch, homework, ect.) But unfortunately my Daughter’s mother does not make this easy and has now complained enough to keep my Wife from volunteering at the school as much as she use too. This has hurt my Wife tremendously. I am afraid that the difficult situation between me and my Daughters mother (which I can only control so much of) is making my wife miserable and now she has insisted on backing off from her responsibilities as a Step mom and Wife and is spending time in our old town with old friends. Looking at the big picture I am kind of glad she has found something to occupy her time with and it seams to make her happy which is fine. But it doesn’t seam to help with our relationship especially when I see how happy she is to be out with other people compared to how miserable I (or the situation) appear to make her. And of course that makes me miserable. I have been working my tail off for a while to try to get her to smile at me like she use too and every once and a while I get it! But it’s not enough I want my Wife back and I want her to be comfortable in the situation, but I have know idea how to fix it. You guys seam to have great advice all around but how about something relating to the dark side of co-parenting and remarriage? Could be good for the gentleman like myself dealing with very difficult problems related to past relationships and our children.

  • Bonita

    I believe the 7 ways yesterday could also be applied  to today’s list.

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Eric, I am so sorry.  We have definitely experienced darker sides of parenting–I promise — different to your situation.  We adopted two older children the same age as two of our biological children.  It was a great struggle for me at times to parent them because they were old enough to remember another life.  At times I felt like Mark did not understand how difficult they were.  The best thing he could do for me was to listen and support me, believe in me, take my side, help me to know that in the end he was on my team.  It was hard for us to remember that the children were secondary to our relationship.  In the end our marriage matters the most.  We had to try really hard not allow them to triangulate and divide us.  I really needed him to be behind me and that he didn’t think I was a failure.  I know you are behind your wife you just have to find that key to make her believe it.

  • Bonita

    Kay, Do you like any of these?

  • Bonita

    Hi Susan,  I love it when my husband, expresses that he needs and values me. These are a few ideas I believe women can relate to. Maybe even you. I love it when my husband grabs the bull by the horns and fixes things around the house. I love it when he compliments me for my giftedness. When he finds ways to make me laugh. When he corrects me with his gentleness, and speaks the truth in love. When he takes the time to scratch my back. I am especially surprised when he writes me a love letter that I can place in my keep sake box, and look at them from time to time. If he stops to get me a mushy card even when it is not a holiday, The surprise text messages out of the clear blue are long lasting all day. I also love it when he tells me last night was unforgettable. Just a few, I got many more, Bonita

  • Bonita

    Susan, If you note hear you wrote for mark going out to dinner , because he likes to eats, and it’s really not your favorite. What a wonderful spouse you are. You are still putting him in the front seat when you are the one who is suppose to be the one who feels it and remembers the warm fuzzy feelings it gave you. You are still thinking of him. You have to really think of what it is that makes you feel special. Did Mark write the other articular? 

  • http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill

    Wow, he is really good!  I am going to have you write the next guest blog!  I will tell Mark to get some ideas from your hubby :)

  • Kay

    Love them!!!!

  • http://www.MarkMerrill.com/ Mark Merrill

    All, thanks for joining the discussion. Appreciate your comments. 

  • KT

    I wonder if your Love Language can change over time. Right now I am desperate for words of affirmation and adoration and but about physical appearance. I don’t remember that being so critical 30 years ago. Little gifts on “non-occasions” would be nice too.

  • jen clark

    With being mom to 3, I’ve always has someone hanging on me. well, now that my youngest is 5 he isn’t always hanging on to me &I realized how little. my hubby & I were actually touching. then we had a date, he grabbed my hand & then came the electricity. just by holding my hand. :)

  • Joanne

    Kay & Bonita, I agree that in our culture women are expected to take a lot of responsibility that men….aren’t.   Seven suggestions for women and only three for men seems to suggest that expectation as well. I’m sure that was not Susan Merrill’s intention.   & those seven are definitely at a deeper level than what is being suggested to the men.  I rest my case.  
    Maybe “boyfriend” is the misnomer.  Wives don’t need a boyfriend as much as we need a grown-up, God-fearing man, one who takes their responsibility in their relationships.   (Disclaimer…thankfully my husband is doing a GREAT job leading our family and relationships, by seeking Jesus  Christ)

  • pakorasandpasta

    In my opinion, the reason there are 7 ways for a wife to be a “girlfriend” and only 3 for a husband to be a “boyfriend” is that many wives don’t want boyfriends – we want husbands.  And many husbands would rather have a girlfriend than a wife.
    I’m not saying men don’t want to be married.  Only pointing out a difference in perspective.  Yes, I want flowers and chocolate, but more than that I want my husband to play with the kids and mow the grass and cuddle in bed.  My husband, on the other hand, probably wouldn’t care if I let the house get messy and ordered pizza and gave him the silent treatment – if I ended the night in lingerie!
     

  • Kay

    Yes, I think a person’s Love Language can change with age & experiences.  That is why there has to be good/open communication and all willing to change.

  • Kay

    I applaud you for knowing what is happening.  I agree with Susan about finding the key.  It is going to take work from both you & your wife.  It has be to God first, your  wife second and then your daughter.  Court her like when the relationship started & led to marriage.  Then keep doing it.  Yes, there will have to be changes but keep the love & romance alive.  Making a life seperate from you with old friends is not a good choice.  Yes, both of you need free time, but being together is the most important.  I have walked in your wife’s shoes.  I am in my 50’s.  After 5 1/2 yrs. of marriage it is just starting to turn around.  I give God all the glory.   

  • Bill

    Talk about your wailing and gnashing of teeth. You ladies take this article as a personal insult. You say “why only 3 for them and 7 for us”. Get over it ladies. Why are you keeping score?

  • http://www.MarkMerrill.com/ Mark Merrill

    That’s nice, Jen.

  • http://www.MarkMerrill.com/ Mark Merrill

    Sounds like you might want to share how you feel with your husband!

  • http://www.mindamics.com/ Gary Burns

    Susan,

    My wife loves it when I write poetry for her.  Here’s what I’m giving her tomorrow for our 22nd anniversary:

    Twenty two years ago to this day,We vowed that our love would not go astray.We stood at the alter and said our “I dos,”And hoped that we’d never fight and argue.Through heartaches and happiness, and all of the rest,For twenty two years we’ve certainly been blessed.With love so abundant like salt in the seaWe wonder quite often, so how can this be?The answer’s is simple, like learning A, B, C’sWe follow God’s laws and try always to please.We have timeless love few others have knownA love that brings happiness into our home. There’s nobody else in this world quite like youBecause of the little things you constantly do.In twenty two years when I’m old and I’m grey,And my memory has slowly started fading away.I’ll pull out my journal and read from the page,About your sweet love that you constantly gave.So what lies ahead is I will, yes I will,Forever and always I’ll love you, I will.

  • Jolly

    Its every woman’s desire to see and feel that their husband loves and appreciates her. When he looks to through the eye and says he loves you. That is so beautiful.

  • Guest

    Am I too late on this post? My husband and I are new to Family Minute.
    I found Jen’s 3 Ways blog edifying. I think married couples often inhibit that new relationship “spark” from reigniting in their marriages. As spouses, we often forget what attracted us to our mate to begin with.
    Maybe you fell in love with a woman who loved to travel, read
    one or two bestsellers a week, enjoyed having the guys and gals over for
    barbeques filled with laughter, or maybe
    she took EXTRA care of herself with
    pedicures, facials, intense hours at the gym. She was just so intelligent,
    cultured, easygoing, energetic, passionate and pretty!
    You were so proud to say that a woman like that was your
    girlfriend. If husbands would allow
    their mate more time and resources to be the woman they fell in love with;
    perhaps they’ll once again feel that spark of attraction and appreciation for
    their mate. Give your spouse enough support to be the person you fell in love
    with and you will have a girlfriend for life.

  • Julia C

    Am I too late on this post? My husband and I are new to Family Minute.
    I found SUSAN’s 3 Ways blog edifying. I think married couples often inhibit that new relationship “spark” from reigniting in their marriages. As spouses, we often forget what attracted us to our mate to begin with.
    Maybe you fell in love with a woman who loved to travel, read
    one or two bestsellers a week, enjoyed having the guys and gals over for
    barbeques filled with laughter, or maybe
    she took EXTRA care of herself with
    pedicures, facials, intense hours at the gym. She was just so intelligent,
    cultured, easygoing, energetic, passionate and pretty!
    You were so proud to say that a woman like that was your
    girlfriend. If husbands would allow
    their mate more time and resources to be the woman they fell in love with;
    perhaps they’ll once again feel that spark of attraction and appreciation for
    their mate. Give your spouse enough support to be the person you fell in love
    with and you will have a girlfriend for life.

  • Guest

    +
    Delete
    Flag as inappropriate
    Am I too late on this post? My husband and I are new to Family Minute.
    I found SUSAN’s 3 Ways blog edifying. I think married couples often inhibit that new relationship “spark” from reigniting in their marriages. As spouses, we often forget what attracted us to our mate to begin with.
    Maybe you fell in love with a woman who loved to travel, read
    one or two bestsellers a week, enjoyed having the guys and gals over for
    barbeques filled with laughter, or maybe
    she took EXTRA care of herself with
    pedicures, facials, intense hours at the gym. She was just so intelligent,
    cultured, easygoing, energetic, passionate and pretty!
    You were so proud to say that a woman like that was your
    girlfriend. If husbands would allow
    their mate more time and resources to be the woman they fell in love with;
    perhaps they’ll once again feel that spark of attraction and appreciation for
    their mate. Give your spouse enough support to be the person you fell in love
    with and you will have a girlfriend for life.

  • guest

    hey, we all know why its 3…… these will work….

  • FlowerChildBoomer

    So many men get into a boring rut and routine because it is comfortable for them. Uughhhh!!! Boredom breeds discontent. Discontent breeds resentmment and frustration. If couples don’t put the energy required to keep a long term relationship exciting, temptation can creep in and destroy it.

  • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

    Haha I am much later than you! Just reading comments now hours after my assistant told me to! I love your thoughts — good idea for my hubby!

  • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

    Gary, this made me cry and I read it to Mark. What an amazing sweet poem to you wife. You are blessed indeed.

  • MPK

    With responses like those from Kay and Bonita I need nothing else to illustrate why I never dated until I was out of college. Then with my first girl friend it lasted 2 years only because she was really pushing me hard to make the committment. But I just could not see it, what with the manipulation and outright lying, including sexual, that she was attempting. I saw right through it all. I am now married for almost 24 years with two nearly grown kids but I am beginning to go through the same regrets that I anticipated with my first girl friend. A wife who is obese and over sensitive to any little awkwardly-placed statement I might make. There doesn’t seem to be any way that we can discuss our personal and intimate issues, because she cannot handle hearing my thoughts on them. We even went to a therapist at one point, but she couldn’t deal with the open and honest nature of discussion the therapist was using. I, frankly, have lost my motivation to try. I am not going anywhere because I made a promise, but I’m tired and wondering why I had to go through all this.