Dik Brown debuted what would become an iconic comic strip on February 4, 1973. Hägar the Horrible and his wife, Helga, gave readers a peek into a loving but conflict-filled relationship as the Viking couple argued their way through daily life. Usually, the two found a way to bicker over something trivial. The comic format made it easy to laugh at the friction in their relationship, but there’s nothing funny when conflict shows up in your own marriage.
It doesn’t matter if you’re engaged, a newlywed, or you’ve been married for 70 years. There will be (and probably has been) friction, bickering, and disagreement in your home. It’s how people work. The presence of friction doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means it’s normal. So, we have to prepare for the inevitable. Just like Hägar and Helga did, you can grow closer to your spouse through the friction. Here are 4 things to remember when there’s friction in your marriage.
1. Practice patience.
Researcher Katsuhiko Miyazaki found that our brains like it when things feel predictable. This feeling triggers the release of the hormones that cut down on stress. But friction—or conflict—often introduces stress, which causes the brain to feel out of control. Because, on a chemical level, we like things to be peaceful, it’s easy for us to become less patient when there is friction in our marriage. This is a dangerous place to be because when we become impatient, we are more likely to say or do things that can hurt our spouse.
Being patient with our spouse is a great way to love them. But it’s not always easy to do in the moment. It takes practice. When we feel friction, staying patient cools down the conflict. That may look like pausing and not saying what immediately comes to mind. It means giving yourself a few minutes before responding to the friction. It means reminding yourself that even when you are irritated with your spouse in the moment, your love for them is greater than any temporary conflict. Practicing patience is the first step to making our homes more peaceful amid tension.
2. Practice mercy.
Imagine a scenario where your spouse goes golfing and says he’ll be home by 4 p.m. Then he rolls into the garage around 6 p.m. You had plans to surprise him with dinner out, but his tardiness caused you to miss your reservation. Every minute he was late added another layer of frustration to an already disappointing evening. How would you handle this? How would your spouse handle things if the roles were reversed?
In the golf scenario, you’d probably feel justified in complaining. That doesn’t mean you should. When you’re disappointed or feeling let down by something your spouse has done, the easy answer is to complain or argue. This, no doubt, is the natural response to what you feel the other person deserves. But it will only increase the conflict or friction between you both. What about offering something your spouse may not deserve, such as mercy? Friction usually pushes us apart. Mercy and grace pull us back.
3. Grow in grace.
Grace is in short supply. If you don’t believe me, spend five minutes on social media. People type the nastiest things online. People use disagreement as a license to be mean and are slow to give others grace. It’s a bad idea on Facebook and a worse idea at home. Has your spouse forgotten your anniversary? Wasted money? Said something harsh? Meeting that moment with grace sets the temperature of your home.
Giving grace can look like apologizing to your wife while you’re still upset. Or giving your husband a long hug after a fight. Grace doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. By all means, address the issues. But grace-filled spouses do not keep score. We can choose to do the things that diffuse friction. Grace is something we should often extend to others, but our spouse should be first in line.
4. Learn true love.
What does it mean to love unconditionally? Pastor Paul Washer once said, “How would you ever learn unconditional love if you were married to someone who met all the conditions?” There is a lot of wisdom in that statement. We all like the idea of a picture-perfect relationship where we hold hands all the time and never argue for 60 years. That’s a fantasy. True love isn’t about ease. It’s about serving, honoring, and pursuing a closeness with someone. Friction is a wedge.
But love bridges gaps. That’s because true love is based on commitment, not just on feelings or circumstances. The presence of friction doesn’t mean the absence of love. In fact, it’s fertile grounds for love to grow deeper. When there is friction in your marriage, ask yourself, “What would it look like to show love right now? What can I do or say to demonstrate my commitment to my spouse?” Maybe it’s brewing your spouse some coffee or taking a walk together. Maybe it’s forgiving them or accepting your role in a fight. Words and displays of enduring love during moments of friction sand away the rough edges of the conflict. True love is sacrificial, and hopefully, yours for your spouse is. Doing what draws you close when friction tries to divide will sustain your relationship.
What does unconditional love mean in your marriage? Share in a comment.
