Over 17,000 of you read my post, Filling the 4 Chambers of Your Wife’s Heart. So, I thought I’d now give the men some screen time by writing this blog. Ladies, please listen up.
Let’s start by answering this question: What is the heart? Yes, your physical heart is a muscle that pumps life-giving blood throughout your body. But the word heart has been used for thousands and thousands of years to describe the core of who you are, the “real you.” It’s the central command for all your thoughts, beliefs, desires, affections, conscience, convictions, emotions ,and motives.
Just like your physical heart has four chambers that need to be consistently filled with life-giving blood, there are four emotional chambers of every man’s heart that need to be filled as well. Those four chambers are validation, respect, loyalty, and trust. And when you selflessly and sacrificially start to fill each of those chambers, you will be loving your husband well.
Chamber 1: Validation—Validate his value, his gifts, his worthiness, and his manliness.
Every man wants to be validated by his father. He wants his dad to bless him and put his stamp of approval upon him and value him for who he is, not for what he does or doesn’t do. He wants to be valued for his person, not his performance. He wants to know that he’s “got what it takes.”
We want validation from our wives as well. When we use our God-given talents and gifts and do something well, we want our wives to take notice and affirm us. Breathe life into your husband by saying things like, “You did a great job coaching our child on how to handle that issue” or “I was so impressed by the leadership you showed at work today.” These 10 More Things Husbands Want to Hear from their Wives highlights some more ways you can affirm your husband.
When we use our God-given talents and gifts and do something well, we want our wives to take notice and affirm us.
We also want our wives to validate our manliness. A man wants to be a hero to his wife. A husband really does want his wife to see him as her superman, a man who can “leap tall buildings in a single bound.” Husbands also want to be wanted as well. That’s an important form of validation for a man. Sure, we all know that husbands want sex…but men also want to be wanted. Sex with an emotionally uninvolved or reluctant wife, who only accommodates her husband to keep him “satisfied,” is not enough. A man wants to know that his wife wants and desires him. When a man knows he is wanted in this way, it’s like his wife saying to him, “You are the man! There is no one like you.” And, “You are more important to me than anything in the world.” This confidence building in the marriage relationship also spills over to a confident man in other areas of life.
Chamber 2: Respect—Respect his judgment, decisions, and abilities.
As I shared in 5 Things Husbands Wish Wives Knew, we want our wives to respect our judgment. A man needs his woman to value and trust his opinions and decisions, even if they prove to be wrong sometimes. That means not constantly questioning his knowledge with an, “Are you sure that’s right?” Or “Why do you say that?” Or often challenging his decisions by asking things like, “Why don’t you just stop and get directions?” By the way, this doesn’t mean that you just ignore a foolish decision he might make; he may need to be gently questioned and corrected sometimes.
We also want our wives to respect our abilities. A man doesn’t want to hear something like, “You’re not a handyman, I’ll call the plumber” or “Sports isn’t your thing. I’ll ask John to teach him how to throw the football.” A guy doesn’t want to be shot down before he even gives it a chance.
Chamber 3: Loyalty—Be loyal to him and support him at all times
I am fiercely loyal in relationships and will do anything to protect and provide for my family and friends. If my wife or children’s physical or emotional well-being is threatened, I will aggressively seek to conquer the threat. If they need help, I will be there. I will not allow anything to come between me and my family. Nothing can separate them from my love.
A husband wants the same. He wants to know that you are on his team. When he fumbles, you won’t penalize him, but will pick the ball up and run with him. He wants to know you are with him all the way, that you’ll walk with him through the good times and the difficult times, and that you’ve always got his back. He needs to know that you will be loyal to him, above all others, and will make him and your marriage relationship a top priority.
Chamber 4: Trust—Trust him and show him he can always trust you
As I shared in How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship, trust must be earned. One has to be trustworthy to receive trust. And, if over time, a husband has earned his wife’s trust, then she should fully trust him unless and until there is a breach of that trust. When a wife trusts her husband, she should have confidence that he is who he says he is; he’s the real deal; he will be honest; he will do what he says he’ll do; he will be faithful; and, that he has her best interests at heart. That means, for example, that a wife should not be suspicious of him or interrogate him all the time about what he’s doing, where he’s going or who he’s doing it with.
A husband not only needs for his wife to trust him, but also he needs to trust her as well. He needs to know that she’s the real deal too; that she’ll always be honest with him and keep no secrets; she’ll be faithful; she won’t play the “D” (divorce) card just because she doesn’t feel emotionally fulfilled; and, she will do what’s in his best interests.
Just like the human heart, a husband needs all four chambers to be filled and pumping for everything to be right. And when they are filled, life-giving love will flow through your relationship.
Are you filling all of these chambers of your husband’s heart? Are there any of them that you need to work on? I’d like to hear from you in a comment below.