Confessions from a Controlling Spouse
It happens to us all, eventually. We reach a certain age when our body just doesn’t seem to want to cooperate as well as it did in the past. We can’t run as fast, bend as low, reach as far, or sleep through the night without a trip to the bathroom.
Actually, this is a lesson we would do well to learn sooner and in all other areas of our life: We are not as in charge as we’d like to think or would like to be.
Barry Banther brought this home to me in a conversation we had one time. He is a business consultant and has been a close friend for more than two decades, my go-to guy for wisdom, advice, and encouragement. He is one of those people who can slice through the clutter and cut to the chase quickly.
I’d been sharing some of my recent struggles. I told him everything that was on my mind relating to my family, faith, work, and future—my fears, my frustrations, my doubts. After listening patiently, Barry empathized with me and then said, “Mark, many of your struggles boil down to the issue of control.”
He went on: “As we get older, we come to the startling realization that we are not in control of most things in life and never were. We just thought we were.”
That is so true. And recognizing and accepting it can go a long way toward reducing a major tension point for many couples. If you recognize that you have a tendency toward control in your marriage, here are some steps you can take.
Love: It’s Not What You Think
“Truly, truly, truly love. That’s the most powerful thing there is.” Those are the words spoken by UCLA’s legendary basketball coach John Wooden at the age of ninety-nine shortly before his death. Love’s essence can be tough to grasp. Bookstores and shelves in homes are filled with books on what love is, how to love, what love does and does not do. Unfortunately, many miss the real mark of love. If you asked ten adults what love is, you’d probably get ten different answers.
Myths and Misunderstandings About Love
Love is the greatest, but it is also undoubtedly the most overused and underused, misapplied and misunderstood word in the English language. It is overused and misapplied with reckless abandon on most television shows and commercials you watch. Love is also underused and misconstrued in word and deed by husbands, wives, parents, children, grandparents, grandchildren, relatives, friends, and coworkers. Loving others doesn’t mean liking. We can love others without having to like what they do. My wife, Susan, and I, especially when we’re having a disagreement, will sometimes say to each other, “I love you. But I sure don’t like you right now.” What we’re really saying is, “I love you no matter what, but I don’t like the way you are acting right now.”
We apply the word love when we speak of things as well. We say, “I love my car.” “I love their french fries.” “I love that dress.” Sure, those things may be appealing and pleasing to one of our five senses—sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell—but it is not the right application of our love. We weren’t designed to love inanimate objects. Objects are not capable of receiving and giving love; only people are. If we attempt to “love” things, then, more often than not, we’ll use people and end up with shallow relationships, meaningless stuff, and no one to share it with. But if you and I love people and use things for their intended purpose, we’ll have rich relationships and lasting joy in life.
#100: 6 Things You Should Stop Doing to Your Spouse in Public (Podcast)
When I wrote about the 7 things that husbands and wives should stop doing in their relationship awhile back, some spirited comments and conversations resulted. On today’s podcast, Susan and I want to address 6 things that you should stop doing in public—things that can harm your spouse and hurt your marriage.
The ABCs of Saying Sorry Well
A few months ago, I wrote about how to ask for forgiveness when you commit a “felony”—an intentional action or words that seriously wound another person. Now I want to offer some ideas on what to do when you’re guilty of a “misdemeanor”—an unintentional, careless oversight or a minor infraction which, left unaddressed, could prove deadly in the long run.
We can be tempted to diminish the significance of an unintentional wrong: after all, if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, there’s nothing to say I’m sorry for, right? Wrong. Life does not work like that.
As Susan and I were raising our five children, we taught them that when they intentionally said or did something to hurt another person, they should admit their wrongdoing and say, “I was wrong, please forgive me.” Then, of course, not do it again. When they did something unintentionally or by accident, they should say, “I’m sorry.” We tried to help them to understand the difference between their intentional and unintentional acts.
So for those unintentional things that are said or done, here are the ABCs (and DEFs!) of saying sorry well.
Complacency: The Subtle and Silent Enemy of Your Marriage
Like me, you may not know a great deal about science, but you probably understand the second law of thermodynamics without even realizing it. Basically, it’s this: Left to themselves, things will decay. If you’re in any doubt about this, just forget working on your yard for a couple of weeks, then go outside and take a look.
The same is true of relationships, especially marriages. If you don’t nurture and nourish your relationships, they will begin to wither. What starts out being comfortable can easily slide into complacency if we are not careful.
You want comfort in a pair of old slippers you wear around the house. They are worn in and fit well. They adjust to your weight and ways of walking. But the same is not true for a pair of good running shoes. Worn down, these will do damage. You need to replace them from time to time if they are going to carry you the distance.
I read a comic strip a few years ago that showed a pollster going door to door asking the question, “What do you think about the topic of voter ignorance and apathy?” The person being surveyed replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care!” This kind of complacency in marriage can lead to loneliness, bitterness, and indifference.
#99: 7 Things Teenagers Secretly Want You to Know (Podcast)
Susan and I have raised 5 children through the teen years. Teenagers are trying to figure out life…who am I? Where am I going? Do I have what it takes? Am I beautiful?
Teens have a lot going on under the surface that they either haven’t identified, are afraid to say, or don’t know how to tell you. So it remains inside, alone and unattended. What if we did know? It might change the way we parent teens. What do you think? Do you want to know how to parent a teenager better?
3 Actions to Take When Feeling Worthless
Apparently, a lot of us know someone or are that someone, who is struggling with feeling worthless. A post I wrote a few months ago on 3 truths to remember when you’re feeling worthless had a lot of comments and shares.
What you choose to think about is the first step to responding in a healthy way to desperation, inadequacy, and failure. You have to focus your thoughts on truths that counter the meandering doubts in your head and heart. But you also need to respond.
In addition to those truths to remember, here are three actions you should take when you’re feeling worthless.
8 Steps for Parenting a Prodigal
All of us stumble a time or two on the journey to adulthood; after all, no one is perfect. One of the challenges of parenthood is gradually letting go of our children, giving them more freedom and responsibility as they grow. But what do you do when it’s not just a slip or a slight detour but your older child goes completely off the rails?
There’s probably no greater heartache for a parent than when their dream for their child dies, when someone they have poured their life and love into for so many years seem to reject everything they have ever wanted for and taught their child. My wife, Susan, and I have discussed this in our podcast, Loving Your Child Thorough Teenage Rebellion.
If you are facing this kind of difficult situation, take heart. Consider these eight lessons that are to be found in one of the most famous stories about rebellion ever told: The Prodigal Son.
You may recall how Jesus told of the young man who asked for his father’s inheritance, took off for a place far away where he squandered everything on wild living and finally came to his senses in a pig sty. The son returned home to ask to be put on his father’s payroll as a hired hand. Instead, to his great surprise, he was welcomed with a big hug and big party.
But beneath the happily-ever-after surface of the parable of the prodigal son are some steps to help you—and your child—through a time of rebellion.
#98: The 7 Rings of Marriage (Podcast)
Too many marriages end in divorce. One of the reasons for this is couples today are not prepared for all the good and bad that may happen in marriage. So are you prepared? On today’s podcast, Jackie and Stephana Bledsoe will be discussing with us three of the seven stages, or 7 Rings of Marriages, […]
