One of the worst things you can do in marriage is say hurtful things to your spouse. I’ve written extensively about how our words shape our marriages. They can build up or tear down, and our responsibility is to encourage our spouses, not discourage them. That may not exactly be breaking news for you, but maybe this is—your hurtful thoughts about your spouse are just as damaging as your words.
In marriage, our thoughts matter just as much as our words. The All Pro Dad podcast explained how happy couples think differently from unhappy couples in Episode 70. Hurtful words don’t just slip out; they start in our minds long before they escape our lips. So controlling our thoughts is step one in preventing friction with our spouses. Anything that you would think but would never say about or to your spouse qualifies as a hurtful thought. The sobering truth is that we may have these thoughts quite often, but don’t realize the damage they can cause. Let’s work on that. Here are 5 thoughts that will hurt your marriage.
1. If he/she was just more ____, I’d be happier.
Early in my marriage, I’d get frustrated with my wife, Susan. She did a lot of things differently from me. That bugged me. For example, I was a neat freak, and she was not. I wanted her to be more like me rather than trying to appreciate the unique person I’d married. She was set in her ways, but that wasn’t a bad thing.
Your spouse is someone for you to cherish and love, not fix, mold, or compare to someone or something else. Once you start wishing your spouse were different in some way, you’ve given yourself permission to think lowly of them, not highly. That’s a recipe for resentment. Healthy thoughts help us achieve more forgiveness in marriage.
2. He/she doesn’t do ____ enough.
It can be frustrating when what you think your spouse should be doing doesn’t match what he or she is actually doing. Too few chores? Not enough initiative in keeping to the family budget? Mismatched physical desires? All of these cause friction in marriage. But when you start thinking your spouse isn’t doing enough in your relationship, you’ve created a “me vs. you” dynamic. It invites you to believe you are the more dedicated partner. That may or may not be true.
Gratitude is the salve. Think of the things your spouse does that you appreciate. Tell them, and if you still feel like he or she is not pulling their share of the weight, find a time to discuss it. Don’t do it in the heat of the moment when you’re upset. Let them know you want to talk and be honest. We need more forgiveness in marriage, and gratitude is a good place to start.
3. Why isn’t he/she listening to me?
A co-worker of mine has a deal with his wife. She washes the dishes and sets them on the counter. He puts them back in the cabinet. It’s a way to split a household task that neither of them particularly likes. However, she has to remind him occasionally that he’s getting behind on his end of the chore. Recently, she asked him multiple times to put stuff away, but the dishes sat on the countertop, untouched for days.
It’d be easy for the wife to conclude that her husband isn’t listening. What is probably more accurate is that he isn’t responding the way she expected. Just because we aren’t getting the results we want doesn’t mean our spouse isn’t hearing us. It means people do things differently. Tasks get prioritized differently. In the case of my coworker, he’s been remodeling a bathroom in the house, so the dishes weren’t top of mind. Communication is key. Instead of thinking, “Why don’t they listen?” ask a better question: “Are you busy? Overworked? Distracted? How can I help you?” Discussing load distribution in your marriage offers much-needed perspective. Moms tend to carry a lot more than dads, so check in on each other. If you don’t, you’ll introduce those thoughts that hurt your marriage.
4. Why does he/she make me so angry?
Your brain is a tricky thing. It frequently reacts to perceived threats and, sometimes, constructs an emotional response based on perceived injustice. The result in both cases is a feeling of anger, but we didn’t arrive there the same way. Examining anger in a marriage context may look like this: Your spouse is late for dinner, and you get angry. There may be a legitimate reason, but the amygdala is already firing. Your anger bubbles up because things aren’t going to plan. You start thinking, “Why does he/she make me so angry?” In reality, traffic was just extra heavy today, and your spouse couldn’t help it.
There may be times when you think your spouse does something intentionally to anger you. But more often than not, that’s probably not their intention. Anger rises from conflict or unmet expectations, and usually those things are more circumstantial than purposeful. In the example of your spouse being late, maybe there is no solution today. But talking things through could lead your spouse to leave work 10 minutes earlier tomorrow. Your marriage will suffer when you pin your anger on a person (your spouse) rather than a problem. The target is wrong. Anger toward someone damages. Anger toward a problem gives us the opportunity to gang up on the issue and solve it together.
5. If he/she loved me, this wouldn’t be an issue.
You text your spouse around lunchtime and never hear back. You get home from work, and there are dirty dishes on the counter and dirtier clothes on the floor. You feel your frustration level rising. What’s going on? “If they loved me, wouldn’t they get all of these things done before I got home? Wouldn’t they give more effort, so I don’t feel as stressed when I walk through the door?”
Instead of thinking the worst about your spouse, survey the situation. Maybe work was crazy, so there was no time to text you back that day. Maybe the kids made the mess, and your spouse didn’t even realize it before you got home. You won’t know until you ask, so make time to connect with your spouse and talk through any problems. When we jump to conclusions, our negative feelings grow. Prioritize real conversations with your spouse, get on the same page, and be vulnerable so your thoughts don’t become hurtful or damaging words.
How do your marriage expectations impact your thoughts? Share in a comment.
