Receiving wisdom from older couples is a gift. A friend of mine met a couple about to celebrate 77 years of marriage. They dealt with plenty of difficulties during their relationship, including a WWII deployment and the loss of a child. When asked what the secret was to a long-lasting marriage, the answer was, “Never go to bed without kissing each other.” While kisses help, there are additional ways to ensure a loving, happy bond.
When my wife, Susan, and I first got married, we asked older couples for advice on everything from communicating well, resolving conflict, and managing money. Now that we have spent over 30 years together, we enjoy when couples seek us out for words of wisdom. When you have been married a few decades and endured many trials, you have a lot of wisdom to share. Here are 6 pieces of wisdom from older couples.
1. The low points may last longer than expected.
The wedding day is usually a beautiful moment in time—the dress, the ceremony, the smiles and laughter. Not every day will be so blissful. That couple celebrating 77 years together grieved for years over the death of their child. Decades later, it still hurt. You may face job loss, poor health, fractured friendships. The low points of life will impact you both and may last a while. But remember that no matter how long they last, you will be walking through those valleys together. The support of a spouse means you have someone to lean on through those extended rough patches.
2. Sex won’t always be what you imagine.
This isn’t exactly what newlyweds want to hear. They may assume every time they connect in the bedroom, it will end with fireworks. They’ll quickly learn that isn’t a guarantee. But sex will always be an important component of marriage. Every time you are intimate with your spouse, your connection grows a little bit closer. So, even if tonight is not the best sex ever, it’s still helping you be a more joyful and physically and emotionally connected couple.
3. Children get more challenging with each stage.
Susan and I raised five kids. Kids are so much fun but also so much work. Every stage presents new challenges. When kids are little, they need help with everything. As they grow older, peers start to have major influence over their thinking. Older couples have seen the heartache of teen breakups and stayed up late worried about curfews and poor decisions. You may have little kids still. Enjoy this innocent stage, but remember that when you become a parent, you sign up for a lifetime of service. Don’t shy away from the difficulty. Embrace the role God has given you to guide and shape a young life.
4. How you argue matters.
When one person “wins” in marriage, then one person “loses.” This really means you both lose. Arguments will happen. It’s part of marriage. But knowing how to argue and why to argue is important. When you disagree, prioritize both sides being heard. Marriage is not a battle of two wills. It’s a combination of two lives—two lives that are now one flesh. Arguments provide you both the opportunity to practice intentional listening and growth as a couple. Let your spouse speak, and then be slow to anger and try to peaceably move forward together.
5. It’s not your spouse’s job to make you happy.
If you’re looking for your spouse to provide all your happiness, you are cruising for a relational letdown. Your spouse should not make you miserable, but it’s not up to your spouse to make you happy either. Happiness is a feeling, which can change at any time. Marriage is based on commitment, which should never change. This doesn’t mean younger couples won’t feel happiness within their marriage commitment, but if spouses base their commitment on cheerful feelings, what happens to the commitment when those feelings change? Be grateful when you feel happy with your spouse, but don’t rely on him or her to be the source of your happiness. Ironically, you’ll both be happier this way. Remember, only God is the ultimate source of our true joy.
6. Beauty is more than physical.
Older couples have a firm grasp on what truly makes someone beautiful, and it’s far deeper than his or her outward appearance. You may be physically attracted to your spouse, but you should also be attracted to the virtues and other attributes that will remain when gray hair and wrinkles arrive. You’ll find true beauty in a person’s character, relationship with others, and heart for giving and sharing.
Do you regularly meet with couples who have been married longer than you? What questions do you ask them? Share in a comment.
