“Why don’t you talk to me the way you talk to your Family First supporters?” My wife shot this unexpected question over the bow of my ship in response to my speaking harshly to her. It was one of those penetrating questions that is tough to answer. I realized very quickly that I was speaking unkindly. Compartmentalization had gotten the best of me. I knew that when I responded honestly, it would reveal something about me—maybe a truth I didn’t want to see.
You see, for some reason, I had come to think that because Susan is my wife, my closest companion, and my confidante, I had a special license to say anything I wish, in whatever tone I wish, when I’m around her. I mean, I share my deepest thoughts and secrets with Susan. So why shouldn’t I feel comfortable just being me, saying what’s on my mind? Well, there’s the problem. I was just being me, and it wasn’t pretty. That wasn’t the end, though. Somewhere within my answer to her question was an even more compelling truth I needed to explore.
The truth is, maybe I’m not always “me” around my friends and the people with whom I work. Maybe I’m sometimes nicer to them, especially with my words. The Author of Wisdom once said, “What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.” So that one little question from Susan revealed an underlying heart condition that I need to continually address. Now, I’d like to think this episode was an exception rather than a rule in my life. I really do strive to live a model life, for my walk to match my talk and for my walk and talk to be consistent in all areas, private and public, personal and professional. To do that, we all have to ask an important question.
Is my life compartmentalized or consistent?
Most of us, in small or big ways, live compartmentalized lives. We have our home life, work life, church life, social life, and online life. Some of us, you could say, have almost nine lives. And we often live as though each of these lives is an island unto itself. We are one person with our family, another person with our friends, and still another person at work. We praise our friends and put down our family. We slap our clients on the back and slap our spouses in the face, hopefully only figuratively. The way we speak and behave in each area of our lives is sometimes very different. Let me illustrate.
Let’s say you never looked your boss in the eye and mumbled one-word answers to his questions. You probably wouldn’t be working very long at that job, would you? Now, think of the way you interact with your spouse. When your wife speaks to you, do you avoid eye contact? When your wife asks questions, do you get annoyed and snippy? We often treat others better than we treat our own family members. But that’s not the way it should be. We weren’t wired to live like that. We were put together to act consistently and to live with one language of love.
What about you?
If the curtain were pulled back on your home life and personal relationships and people saw the real you, what would they see? Based on your words and actions, would they recognize you as the same person everywhere you went—at work, at school, at the store, at the gym, at the club, at church? Most importantly, who would they see in your home?
Here are some great conversation starters for you to use with your spouse to build better communication habits.
Who is the most consistent person in your life? Share in a comment below.
