What to Do When You’re Lonely in Your Marriage

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We all know that it’s possible to be in the middle of a crowd and feel all alone.  Furthermore, it’s possible to sleep in the same bed with someone else for decades and still feel lonely.  Why?  Well, loneliness is not just about being in physical proximity with another person, it’s feeling like you are emotionally light years apart from them.  Author Gary Chapman has done a tremendous job with identifying how you feel close to someone. It’s when they speak your love language. Chapman says there are five love languages:  words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Each person has a predominant love language that they crave. When that love language is missing, loneliness can creep in.  Here are a few examples of how that happens and what you can do about it to ensure that you and your spouse are loving and being loved in your language of love.

Lack of time together – the less time married couples spend together, the more likely they are to feel distant from each other.  This can be resolved by deliberately scheduling date nights in, date nights out, TV free nights, and occasional weekend getaways…just for the two of you.

Lack of physical touch – this is not only referring to a lack of sexual intimacy, though that certainly is a big part of husbands and wives feeling alienated, but also to the little things gone by the wayside.  When hugs are rare, snuggling is extinct, and holding hands feels foreign, the love language of physical touch is probably absent in your relationship.  The key to resurrecting physical touch is to start small.  Sit close to each other on the couch, give neck massages, and pull out a surprise kiss.  You know, gross your kids out!  Getting closer physically will naturally lead to feeling closer emotionally.

Criticism – the opposite of Chapman’s love language of words of affirmation.  Nothing closes a heart faster and swells loneliness more than biting, stinging criticism from a spouse.  Arguments get heated and a verbal shootout takes place.  No one wins here.  The key to overcoming this loneliness hurdle is to be very, very careful when you give your spouse “advice” and be deliberate about using encouraging words as often as you can.  “You look amazing in that dress.”  “Thank you so much for being such a hard worker.”  “I really respect your judgment.”  With that kind of encouragement, marital loneliness quickly becomes an extinct species.

There is much more I could say here, but I think you get the point.  If you really want to kiss marital loneliness goodbye, understand and implement the 5 Love Languages.  You can learn more and get your free Love Language profile at:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

If you’ve experienced loneliness in your marriage, I’d like to hear about it and what you’ve done to deal with it.  Please share your comments.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • matt

    wow, i’m the guy in the reverse mirror, My wife says all the woman she knows says its normal not to want to have sex. I lay next to her every night waiting to touch her but have been rejected so much, having her poodles in my place. so i don’t even try. whats the point. its going to end in divorce. I’m Not fat, ugly or lazy. but start to think i am at 210 lbs 6’6″ and 3% body fat then she will say you don’t love me any more………………Well i haven’t been loved in years and physically in 6 months, Hope her Poodles keep her warm,, btw they are cute little dogs..

  • may

    yes,i am lonely for cuddles and sweet nothings in my ear,i am not young I am very affectionate,i love love and having just a little bit of joy,dont you.

  • Mike

    I have been married for two years and it take a act of God to get a kiss from my wife let alone make love to her. The night of our wedding and honey moon were both sexless emotionless and most of all painful. I can’t take this anymore and have started to look for a divorce aturney. I truly love her but feel like she want me for companionship not as a true husband. I have told how how I feel on many many occasions as well as gone to couples therapy but she has an excuse for everything my fav was ” most couples are to busy during the wedding and honey moon to have sex anyway” but to her I say what about the other 365 days of the year. I gave up about a month ago started looking for the aturney and now her mother passed away I feel horrible for her but when does my happiness start ? It seems like I just put off everything to make her happy and myself miserable and now when I am finally ready to make a change I can’t because I would feel like a piece of crap asking her for a divorce in the midst of her pain. Life just sucks and I am in pain ( no thoughts or hurting myself don’t worry) and do t know what to do to make anything better HELP!

  • Guest

    I have no idea what I should do. Last year I caught my husband on MILF. His profile grossed me out. Then this passed November he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He had a radical prostectomy. I feel all alone. He has zero interest in me he wakes up plays xbox 360 till dinner time. Comes out to eat then he goes back to it til we go to bed. I forgave him for the MILF thing and he swore he did not cheat and won’t ever donit again. I have stuck by him through that and now cancer. I just don’t know how to get him back and if I want yo anymore

  • Debra Hunt

    I am in the same boat as you. I have tried everything. I think I give up. I am starving for some affection and intimacy