This is a tough post to write. You see, I’ve written hundreds of posts about marriage. But today, I came to the startling realization that recently, I’ve been writing about how to have a great marriage and speaking about it, but I haven’t been putting all of it into practice myself.  Oh sure, I’ve done a lot of these things, but I have not gone after it with great zeal and passion like I should.

I really feel bad about it. It makes me sad that, over the past year, instead of giving Susan my freshest and best, she’s received my leftovers. And there is no excuse for that.

But, I had to ask myself “Why?” Well, I didn’t realize it, but there are several things that have kept me from being the kind of husband I need to be to Susan. Here are a few:

• House flood and move. Our family is houseless not homeless blog post explains what happened.
• Writing books. I spent quite a bit of time writing the All Pro Dad book that was released last year and Susan was in the middle of writing her first book, The Passionate Mom.
• Speaking at fatherhood, parenting, and marriage conferences and events around the country.
• Financial pressures. Unexpected expenses from our home flood coupled with school and college tuitions consumed much money, time, and energy.
• Health challenges with several family members.
• The rut.  It’s easy to get stuck in the rut of daily routines and cares of the world without even realizing it. The rut can keep us from being on the correct relational course.
• Oh, and by the way, I am responsible for serving you and millions of others through Family First and our All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute programs.

So, there you have it. But, what am I doing about it? Well, here is my initial action plan.

1. I’m reviewing several of my blog posts that I think will greatly help me and give me some ideas. The ones I’m reading are:

• 5 Common Mistakes Men Make in Marriage
• 8 Mistakes I’ve Made in Marriage
• Leftovers Again: 4 Ways to Give Your Spouse Your Freshest and Best
• 10 Things Wives Want to Hear from Their Husbands

2. I’m vowing that I will not speak harshly or critically to Susan.

3. I’m putting reminders at the top of my calendar every day of things I need to say to, and do for, Susan. Susan’s “love language” is words of affirmation and encouragement, so I’m going to especially focus on that. My plan is to use sticky notes, text, and face-to-face time to use words to build up and encourage her.

4. I’m going to make date nights with Susan a priority. Some will be scheduled and some will be spontaneous.

5. I’m going to have “service days” days for Susan. Yes, we should serve our spouses every day, but a service day will be a day that I am doing anything and everything she wants me to do. For example, yesterday, Susan needed to spend the entire day working on a speech she needs to give this week. So, I made it a “serve Susan day.” I did laundry, watered the flowers, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, washed the dogs, and brought her refreshments.

So, that’s my initial plan, but I want to expand it. Would you please share with me your ideas of other things I can add to my marriage action plan? 

Know you’re a model.  In week 6 of the All Pro Dad men’s study we’re not talking about physical good looks.  Rather, we’re talking about outwardly modeling a life that is worthy for our children (and wives) to follow.  It is easy for us to see others as role models, from professional athletes to our own fathers, but unfortunately we often don’t think of ourselves in this way.  We are all role models, even though sometimes we’d prefer not to have that responsibility.  Do you remember the Charles Barkley “I am not a role model” ad campaign?

Growing up my dad was definitely my role model.  I truly admired his work ethic.  He worked long hours at his actual job before coming home to clock in at his second “job.”  I often remember him coming in from a long day at the office and jumping right into helping my mom with household projects or working through homework with me and my brother.  There’s no doubt he would have enjoyed sitting down in front of the television to relax, but he put our family first and made sure we were cared for.

I also remember watching him adore my mom.  Through his acts of service around the house to making sure he took her out on regular dates, he made sure she knew she was loved.  He definitely led our house through love.  My dad taught me the importance of hard work and selflessness through moments like these and he did it without saying a word to me.

Jeremy’s memories about his dad point out the truth in the statement, “Our children learn more by what is caught than by what is taught.”  There are times when, as fathers, we’ll need to sit down with our children to teach them.  But it is important to always be mindful that some of our greatest teaching moments arise when our kids watch us living out a life devoted to our families.  In fact, sacrifice is a hallmark of the best role models.

If you have kids, have you seen them imitate things that you do or say?  Or do you remember something that you watched your father do when you were a child that impacted your life?  Leave your thoughts below in the comments section.

We’ve got a few weeks left of walking through the All Pro Dad men’s study so you can still join us if you’d like.  You can get your copy of the All Pro Dad men’s study via Lifeway.com or Amazon.com.

There are a lot of articles and blogs out there giving you tips on how to better communicate with your spouse. Today, I’d like to share with you these 5 Ways Not to Communicate with Your Husband.

1.    With bad timing.

All of us can have tough days. And all of us have issues we need to address with our spouses. But there are certain times that your husband does not want you to unload problems on him or give him a list of things he needs to do. When he walks in the door after work, when he’s eating dinner, when he’s out on a date with you…all of these are examples of times that should be off limits.

2.    With disrespect.

Not many things will anger a man more than someone being disrespectful to him. So, wives, respect his judgment. Don’t constantly question his decisions. Respect his abilities.  Give him a chance to fix the sink before you tell him you’re going to call the plumber.

3.    With abstract feelings, not concrete facts.

Of course, we all know that men and women aren’t wired the same way. We also know that women communicate more with feelings and men with facts. Do you want your husband to “get it?” You can start by sharing your feelings, but then tell him exactly what you need him to do. For example, don’t just say, “Sometimes you just don’t get it” or, “I wish you would just be more understanding.” Give him specific marching orders of what you want him to do that will help change those feelings. Men can’t decipher feelings very well, but we are good at taking clear orders.

4.    With multiple issues.

Most men have a fairly good ability to process things you tell them, as long as it’s one thing at a time and as long as they aren’t doing anything else when you make the request. When you throw too many things at them at one time, they may not hear anything. So that you know he hears you and understands you, have him stop what he is doing and look at you. Then, tell him one thing and have him repeat it back to you. Then you’ll know he got it.

5.    With assumption.

Your husband really does want to please you. He wants to be your hero. But, he cannot read your mind. When you make assumptions and he does not come through, you’ll probably get frustrated and say things like, “You should have remembered that I don’t like pickles on my sandwich” or “Why did you buy that? You should have known that I wouldn’t like it.” Don’t assume; be clear and tell him what’s on your mind.

I’d like to hear from you on more ways wives should not communicate with their husbands. Please share your comments below. 

In the weeks leading up to week five of the All Pro Dad men’s study, we’ve learned the importance of a father knowing his makeup, mind-set, and motive.  This week’s session provides us with some practical, hands-on tools to help us know our method in our quest as fathers to better love our families.  From conversation-starting questions to suggested activities and “Dad Time” coupons, we’ve provided some awesome ways to help you create wonderful memories with your children.

Making these lasting, loving memories with your children – or “memorable monuments” as I like to call them – is a great method for us to use to better love our families.  Andy, one of our school programs specialists here at Family First and a father of two, had a great example that he mentioned during our group training session, so I asked him to share that with you.  Here’s what he had to say:

I don’t remember a specific “big” monument that my dad and I had when I was a child.  We didn’t go on adventurous camping trips and he didn’t hold a blessing ceremony for me.  However, what I do remember is a seemingly small gesture that had an incredible impact on my life.  My dad made a memorable monument out of giving me a hug.  He made sure that he did it consistently – every day.  He would even go so far as to ask me, “Have I given you a hug today?” to make sure that he had.  Accompanying each hug was his assurance that he loved me and was proud of me.

I knew, daily, that my father loved me and was proud of me.  That has had a huge impact on my life as I believe it instilled great confidence in me (both in my personal life and in my professional life), and showed me how to love well.  It is a “small,” but powerful, memorable monument that I am striving to pass along to my children.

Big or small, there are innumerable things that we can do with our families to create memorable monuments.   I like that Andy pointed out that his dad hugged him daily.  Consistency is often a key component in creating memorable monuments.  It is also the key to being a role model to your children, which we’ll discuss more in next week’s session.

What are some memorable monuments that you have had with your dad?  Do you have any that you are currently making with your kids?  Share your methods below in the comments section and maybe we can encourage and inspire fathers who are reading this to start a new monument with their families.

If you’d like to join us, you can get your copy of the All Pro Dad men’s study via Lifeway.com or Amazon.com.  You can also find many more practical tools free of charge at AllProDad.com.

1. Have the kids help make breakfast in bed for her.
2. Take mom on a surprise trip to the beach, park, mall, or restaurant and plan the necessary details in advance.
3. Lead the kids in doing all of the chores—laundry, dishes, vacuuming, garbage, lawn.
4. Write a poem for her.
5. Play your wedding song and dance with her.
6. Write “things we love about Mom” on little pieces of paper and hide them in various places around the house so that she’ll find them for months to come.
7. Get up to take care of the kids in the morning while she sleeps in.
8. Give her a massage.
9. Run a hot bath for her, complete with candles and relaxing music.
10. Have the kids help you plan a scavenger hunt for mom.
11. Plan a date night, including arranging a babysitter on your own.
12. Encourage her as a mom by buying her The Passionate MOM Book. There’s a sweet deal going on now if you buy the book on or before May 11^th!

I’ve learned a lot from my wife, Susan. One thing she’s taught me is how to maintain a “heart relationship” with each of our children—a deep, enduring relationship that beats strong through the transitional teen years. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned.

1. Don’t take it personally.

“Why doesn’t she want to hold my hand?” “Why would she rather go to the mall than go bike riding with me?” “Why would he rather stay home with friends than go on vacation with us?” Those are just a few of the questions that swirled in my mind and flowed through my wounded heart as we ushered in the teen years. So I searched for answers and Susan gave me one. “Don’t take it personally,” she said to me. “And, don’t try to force anything…give them some space” she added, “They’ll come around.” I knew she was right, but I didn’t take her advice at first which led to my kids telling Susan that I was “smothering” them and that made them not want to hang out with me as much. So, I backed off a bit. The results? I found that they wanted to do a bit more with me. These 5 Reasons Why Your Teen is Rebelling may help you to better understand your teen as well.

2. Always speak the truth.

No matter what, my children know that I will always speak the truth to them. If they ask me a question, they will get the truth. They can trust what I say because of my track record over time. Consistent truth-telling is key to staying connected relationally. As you speak the truth into your child’s life, it’s also important for you to know How to Tackle Tough Topics with Your Teen.

3. Always do what’s in their best interests.

On many occasions, I have sat down with my children and advised them on someone or something they should avoid—a bad relationship, a questionable movie, an inappropriate party…or, someone or something they should embrace—a new opportunity, a good event, or a faithful friend.  When I do so, I often preface my comments with something like, “You know that I am saying this because I have your best interests at heart. And, I want you to help you avoid pain and prosper in life.”

4. Broaden the Boundaries.

Creating Boundaries for Your Kids is essential. But rules and consequences for breaking those rules should change based on age, trust, maturity, and responsibility.  As our children demonstrate responsibility by staying within the boundaries consistently, grow in age and maturity, and earn our trust, the rules and consequences should become fewer and our children should have more freedom to make decisions.  In other words, the boundaries of their “playing court” will become larger and larger.

5. Find One Thing

During those teen years, I’ve learned that finding that “one thing” is important—one big deal. It’s that one thing they like to do and will do with you.  For Megan, it’s shopping.  For Emily, it’s soup and salad at a nearby restaurant and then an old movie together.  For Marky, it’s hunting.  For Hannah, it’s jogging. For Grant, it’s camping.

6. Embrace Technology

Just like many other things in life, technology can be an enemy or an ally.  It can be used for good or evil.  With five children ages 17-23, Susan and I have found that technology gives us some common ground for communicating. For example, we each send a good-night text to our girls who are in college or working almost every night.  Often, it’s simply a “’Night, love you soooo much.” Susan and I will have Facetime with our girls away at school. All of us use Instagram, so sharing pictures is often a nice way to catch up as well.

7. Get out of Town

Plan something periodically with your child that takes you both away from familiar distractions and allows you to be one-on-one.   Your teen may very well resist, but try to make it so appealing that they can’t refuse. Make sure it’s not just something you’d like to do, but rather something they want to do too. Whether it’s a shopping trip, fishing trip, or just a fun road trip, give your teen the opportunity to breathe a little easier when they’re with you. That means, don’t lecture during your time together, just listen and hopefully laugh.

8. Ask

Periodically ask your child questions such as, “How am I doing as a dad?” and “What can I do better as a father?” Ask your child’s mother the same questions, then take note of their suggestions. If you don’t like their answer, make sure you don’t react in a negative way; just thank them for their candidness.

9. Don’t give up

As a parent, you must walk with your child through the good times and the difficult times. Encourage them in the right way every opportunity you get because, as I’ve shared before, there are 4 Wrong Ways Parents Encourage Their Kids. Never give up on your child no matter what your child does or says. Let them know that you love them no matter what and that your relationship is all-important. And remember, being a parent is a lifetime commitment.

What are other things we can do to stay joined at the hip and heart with our teens? Please share your comments.

In week 4 of the All Pro Dad’s men’s study, we tackle an idea that has almost become the mantra of our culture today.  It is advice that is given to people looking for answers or trying to make decisions.  You’ve probably had someone suggest that you “follow your heart” in making your decisions or in seeking to find happiness. At times this sounds like encouraging advice, but our goal in week 4 is to examine our hearts and know our motive so that we can lead our hearts instead.

I asked George, our Family First Marketing Director and father of four, if he could remember a time in his life where he stopped and asked himself the question, “Am I living my life to give or to get?”  Here’s a story that he shared:

A few years ago, I was working my dream job—I was in the sales and marketing department of an NFL team.  I had always wanted to work in football because my dad passed his love of the game on to me.  He even refereed high school games, bringing me along with him on Friday nights.  So many of my fondest memories of our times together were around football.  Now I was working in football, and I was excited to be able to make memories with my kids, just as my dad had done with me.

However, I was working all the time.  Between games on Sundays, entertaining sponsors, and meetings, I was working 20 weekends a year and was rarely at home.  Our team ended up making it to the Super Bowl, and the team owners allowed the staff to sit with their families for the first time the whole season.  We were having a great time at the game when an offsides penalty was called on our team.  My son who was 8 years old at the time looked up at me and asked, “Dad, what’s offsides?”  It was a sobering moment as I realized that I wasn’t making memories with my family like my dad had done with me.  I had been so consumed in living my dream—living my life to get rather than to give—that I hadn’t been leading my family.

I began to ask God to lead me to a new profession, one that would allow me to spend more time with my family.  It wasn’t long after I began praying that He led me to my current position with Family First. I have been working on leaving a legacy of giving to my family ever since.

George’s story above is a great example of a person examining their heart to truly understand their motive.  Jeremiah 17:9 states, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.”  If we’re honest with ourselves, if we’re following our hearts, we’re more likely to end up chasing after things that benefit us rather than others.  An All Pro Dad leads his heart instead of following it, choosing to live to give rather than to get.

What did you think about week 4?  Did George’s story strike a chord in your life?  Leave your comments and thoughts below.  We’re halfway through the men’s study now, but you can still join us and get your own copy via Lifeway.com or Amazon.com. And in case you missed them, here are the other weekly recaps.

Last week I traveled to Honduras on a mission trip. Our group’s mission was to share God’s love and serve the Honduran families in the village where we were going by building concrete floors in their small homes and huts. We didn’t just head to a foreign country on a whim, though. We spent months planning out the logistics of the trip and we prepared our hearts and minds in prayer in advance of our boarding a plane to Honduras. We wanted to do everything that we could to ensure that our attitude and mind-set was right to allow us to be effective servants of God.

Likewise, we need to know what our mind-set should be as fathers so that we can stay focused on one of the main missions in our lives: loving and leading our families. As we discussed in the week 3 group training session, one of the greatest influences on our mind-set is the relationship that we had (or didn’t have) with our fathers. I asked Brian, our Director of School Programs here at All Pro Dad and father of two, to share about how his father impacted his mind-set. Here’s what he had to say:

My dad’s influence earlier in my life came through his actions and choices more than through his words, although I really didn’t have an appreciation of his influence at the time. As I have gotten older, I have had deeper conversations with my dad about the choices he made, and those talks have really cemented his influence on my mind-set as a father. For instance, my dad was always with my brother and me at the football and baseball fields growing up, most of the time as one of our coaches. As a kid, I kind of took that for granted. But as I have gotten older and become a father myself, I’ve come to appreciate how busy life can be and how difficult it can be to balance the demands of life, work and family. My dad chose to make family his priority, and that motivates me every day to make the same choice.

While I’ve tried to always make my family the top priority, I have experienced a fair amount of stress in trying to balance competing priorities in life. As I have grappled with those issues, I have had been able to talk with my dad about the important and meaningful choices he made and truly be reminded of how important those choices are. He has always demonstrated the importance of putting me and my brother first, but in our conversations I’ve come to truly understand and appreciate the sacrifices he made in business to spend that important time with us.

This has given me the mind-set that my family has to come first. I’ve realized that my eternal impact as a father is far more significant than any business success I might achieve, and I credit much of that mindset to the lessons I witnessed from my dad my entire life … lessons I have been blessed to talk about with my dad as I have continued to grow in my journey as a husband and father.

Brian’s dad gives us an awesome picture of what it looks like to have a fatherhood first mind-set. Though, as pointed out in the story above, this can be a stressful and overwhelming task when we think about how to go about prioritizing family and dealing with our careers and life. Thankfully, we know that if we lack wisdom in this fatherhood mission, all we have to do is ask God for wisdom and He promises that it will be given to us (James 1:5).

Those of you who are walking through this mission with us, what are your thoughts about week 3 of the All Pro Dad men’s study? Was your dad there for you growing up, or was he absent? How do you see this playing out in your life today? How are you working to have the mind-set to lead and love your family? Leave me your thoughts or questions below in the comments section.

If you’re wanting to join us as we go through the All Pro Dad men’s study, you can get a copy for yourself at Lifeway.com or Amazon.com.

Our group was excited to get back together to go through the second week of the All Pro Dad men’s study.  After a few minutes of sharing what was learned about love and leadership as we went through the home training materials with our families, we jumped into the week 2 group training questions on knowing your makeup, the first of seven essentials to be a hero to your kids.  This week I was interested to see how Daniel – one of the youngest guys in our office – would answer the question, “Who am I?” Here’s what he said:

Being in my mid-20s, this is a question I’m still trying to tackle.  My biggest challenge to answering this question about my identity is applying what I know to be true about myself through God’s Word to my unbelieving heart.  I can give you “Sunday school answers” – I can tell you that I am a child of God and that my identity is in Him – but do I truly believe that?  If so, why do I worry so much?  Why do I prioritize other things above God?  What am I really chasing after?

This week’s discussion provided some great reminders that I was able to meditate on and brought me renewed hope.  The first reminder is that I was created in God’s likeness and my value and worth are found in this unique truth.  Second, I know I am still a fallen, sinful person, but through Christ, I was reminded that I am a brand new creation.  Lastly, I was reminded that I am loved unconditionally.  My value and identity are in God alone and not in my performance or in the image others have of me.

I now understand that I have to know the answer to the question, “Who am I?” to become an effective leader, both as a husband and as a father.  Though I am not married yet, I am praying that God has that in His will for my life and I also hope to be a dad one day.  I am glad that I am being challenged to truly understand my identity now so I can help my children grasp their identity as well.

Thanks to Daniel for his honest response.  It is so important that we understand that God is our Maker, and that He alone defines who we are.  Created in His image, we are His and there is nothing that we can’t do in His will for His glory, including being an All Pro Dad!

If you’re walking through the men’s study with us, what were some things that you took away from Week 2?  Any advice or encouragement for those who are having trouble living out the truth they know in their minds?  Please leave your thoughts, comments, or questions below.

If you’re ready to go through the All Pro Dad men’s study with us, you can get a copy at LifeWay.com or from Amazon.com.

The guys on our Family First team met for the first time last week to dive into the All Pro Dad men’s study.  We grabbed lunch and gathered to walk through the first session, titled Fatherhood Fundamentals.  Even though we all work together, it proved to be a great time to get to find out more about one another.  Also, we didn’t plan it this way, but the men in our group are all at different stages in their lives, from single men to fathers with kids who have graduated, and everything in between.  This made for some great conversation, as everyone was able to contribute a unique perspective on love and leadership—our fatherhood fundamentals.

On that note, I asked Jonathan, who works in our marketing department and a proud father of an 8-week old baby girl, to share what he took away from our week 1 discussion.  What stood out to him was his perception of what qualities make a great leader.  Here’s what he had to say:

It never crossed my mind that love is a fundamental quality of a great leader.  Before going through this first session, I would have described a leader with words like shrewd, savvy, and intelligent, but not loving.  I picture a CEO, Army general, or a head coach—people who got to where they are by removing emotions from their decisions.  But that’s not the loving leadership that God modeled for us in His Son, Jesus.

Jesus teaches us that, after loving God with all our being, the second most important commandment is for us to love our neighbors as ourselves.  I was reminded, and convicted, during our group’s time together that my “neighbor” included my wife.  She has been dealing with some post-partum depression and my love for her has not been patient or kind, more often than I’d like to admit.  I apologized to her last night and we went through the week 1 discussion questions together.  She was full of grace and forgiveness and was quick to remind me that Jesus is, too.

Being a brand new dad, I am grateful that the Lord is allowing me to go through this study at such a critical time in my life.   I was blessed to hear the wisdom of the older fathers in our group and to see that though they are striving to be amazing fathers, they still received a healthy dose of grace from their wives, their kids, and the Lord.

It isn’t easy to be vulnerable and share our shortcomings, so thanks to Jonathan for opening up here.  Thankfully, as Jonathan’s wife reminds us, we know that though we will make mistakes in loving and leading our families, God doesn’t hold those mistakes over our head.  Rather, He instead reminds us of our identity—who we are in Him.  We’ll look more at our identity in next week’s session.

For those of you who are also going through the study with us, what were some of your takeaways?  Did you not connect love to leadership like Jonathan?  Were there any questions that came up that your group didn’t know how to answer?  Please leave your comments below.  I am looking forward to reading your thoughts. We’re off to a great start!

If you haven’t started the Men’s Study but you’d like to, you can get a copy from either Lifeway.com or Amazon.com.