Emotional affairs are easy to fall into if we’re not careful. Listen as my friends Gary and Barb Rosberg share how to avoid an emotional affair. And then take some time tonight to sit down with your spouse and reconnect. Staying in tune with your spouse will keep you from looking for affirmation and emotional connectedness outside your marriage.

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How do you handle conflict? Well, some of us are turtles and some of us are skunks. What do turtles do at the first sign of trouble or conflict? They pull back into their shell. On the other hand, skunks do just the opposite. They let everyone around them know they are standing to fight.  As you know, they fight by spraying a horrendous odor all over the place and everybody is impacted by it.

Well, I don’t think we should really strive to be either a turtle or a skunk. Instead, we should probably strive to be like the wise owl. The wise owl is very good at seeing and hearing. Only after they have observed and listened do they make a decision to react or not.

So, for those of you who are sometimes skunks like me, and aren’t always very good listeners, I’ve got a little technique that may help you in your home and maybe at work as well.  It’s called “The Speaker Listener Technique.” So, the next time you and your spouse have a disagreement, try this technique and let me know how it goes.

Are you a turtle or a skunk? What are some practical ways you and your spouse have been able to work through conflict?

“Why don’t you talk to me the way you talk to your Family First supporters?”  It was an unexpected question my wife shot over the bow of my ship in response to my speaking harshly to her.  It was one of those penetrating questions that is tough to answer.

I realized very quickly that I was speaking unkindly.  That was apparent.  I also knew that when I responded honestly, it would reveal something about me, maybe a truth I didn’t want to see.  It was one of those moments on my journey where I was on a strip of a rocky path that had the potential to trip me.  You see, for some reason, I had come to think that because Susan is my wife of 22 years, my closest companion and confidant, I therefore had a special license to say anything I wish, in whatever tone I wish, when I’m around her. I mean, I share my deepest thoughts and secrets with Susan. So why shouldn’t I feel comfortable just being me, saying what’s on my mind? Well, there’s the problem.  I was just being me, and it wasn’t pretty. That wasn’t the end, though.

Somewhere within my answer to her question there was an even more compelling truth I needed to explore in the deep waters of how I relate daily to those around me, especially with my family.  Maybe I’m not always “me” around my friends and the people with whom I work. Maybe I’m sometimes nicer to them, especially with my words.  The Author of Wisdom once said “What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.” So that one little question from Susan revealed an underlying heart condition that I need to continually address. Now, I’d like to think that this episode was an exception, rather than a rule in my life. I really do strive to live a model life where my walk matches my talk, and where my walk and talk are consistent in all areas of my life, private and public, personal and professional.

Compartmentalized or Consistent?

Most of us, in small or big ways, live compartmentalized lives. We have our home life, work life, church life, social life, and online life. Some of us, you could say, have almost nine lives.  And we often live as though each of these lives is an island unto itself.  We are one person with our family, another person with our friends and still another person at work. We praise our friends and put down our family. We slap our clients on the back and slap our spouse in the face, hopefully only figuratively. The way we speak and behave in each area of our lives is sometimes very different. Let me illustrate. Let’s say you never looked your boss in the eye and mumbled one-word answers to his questions. You probably wouldn’t be working very long at that job, would you? Now, think of the way you interact with your spouse. When your wife speaks to you, do you avoid eye contact? When your wife asks questions, do you get annoyed and snippy? We often treat others better than we treat our own family members.  But that’s not the way it should be.  We weren’t wired to live like that. We were put together to act consistently and to live with one language of love.

What About You?

What about you? If the curtain was pulled back on your home life and personal relationships and people saw the real you, what would they see?  Based on your words and actions, would they recognize you as the same person everywhere  you went—at  work, at school, at the store, at the gym, at the club, at church?  Most importantly, just whom would they see in your home?

Here are some great conversation starters for you to use with your spouse to build better communication habits.

Where is your Treasure?

In their very good book, The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick say, “You need to understand that your heart follows your investment.” In other words, your heart will follow whatever you pour your time, talent and treasure into. If you pour much of your time into Facebook and Twitter, your thoughts and emotions will be there.  If your talent and energy are focused completely on your job, a big part of you will reside there as well.  If your treasure is used to accumulate car, boats, and other stuff, that’s where your desires and affections will be.  “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” Jesus says.

Lead your Heart

The Kendricks say lead your heart in four ways.

1. Check your heart. A key to leading your heart is to constantly be aware of where it is. Where is your heart? Start by looking at your calendar and checkbook.  Where are you investing your time? Where are you investing your money?
2. Guard your heart. When something unhealthy tempts your heart, it is your responsibility to guard it against temptation. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Build walls around yourself to fortify you against sexual temptation, pornography and gambling.
3. Set your heart. Set your thoughts and affections on what’s most important in life.  Your relationship with God. Don’t “feel” like it?  We’re not talking about feelings here.  We’re not talking about following those feelings.  We need to choose to lead them instead.
4. Invest your heart. Don’t wait until you feel like doing the right thing in your marriage. Do it today. Start investing your time and energy into your marriage.

Why not?

Should you just “follow your heart” as you date, in your marriage, while you work, as you socialize?  No. At least not most of the time.  That’s because when most people say, “follow your heart,” they’re really just saying, “follow your feelings.”  And yes, feelings by themselves can sometimes lead you down a smooth road, but more often than not, they’ll lead you on a road full of potholes and maybe even a fatal crash.

Think about it

How many times have you heard about husbands divorcing their wives of many years to get that “loving feeling” with a new “trophy wife?” How many women have said to you, “I just don’t feel in love anymore.” They’re leaving their husbands for a man who “really listens, understands and cares.”  And how many have left their job on a whim because they “felt” like it in order to start a new business that quickly went out of business?

The Problem

We live in a culture where people make major decisions solely in response to their feelings, regardless of who they hurt or what promises they break. Authors Stephen and Alex Kendrick in their book, The Love Dare, say the problem with “following your heart”, as most people define it, is that you are just chasing whatever feels right at the moment, even though it may not be right.  It means throwing caution to the wind and pursuing your latest whim, even though it may not be logical.  The Kendricks further note that, “People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable.” Emotions can fluctuate depending upon circumstances.  The Kendricks further suggest that instead of following your heart, lead your heart.

I’ll share how to lead your heart in my blog post tomorrow.

This is a useful tool for couples when conflict starts to escalate out of control.

One way to do avoid conflict with your spouse before it starts is by “taking a break.”  Let’s say you and your spouse are arguing, things are getting pretty intense, and the ugly words are starting to fly.  That’s when one of you should muster-up the calmness to say, “Let’s take a break.”  The break begins promptly and the person who called for the break immediately sets a time within 24 hours when you’ll have the discussion again.  By then, you and your spouse will have had time to calmly think about the issue and resolve not to let things get personal with name-calling or yelling.

Of course “taking a break” in the midst of the argument is more easily said than done.  Recently, my wife and I were having a heated discussion.  At first I followed my own advice and suggested we “take a break” so we could cool off.  But, a few minutes later, I just had to make one more point…and that’s when things got really hot.  To be effective, both parties have to agree to abide by “taking a break.”

So “take a break” and put your marital conflict to R-E-S-T…

“Hello, Mr. Merrill? This is John Smith from Tampa Fire and Rescue. Do you know what’s happened to your home?”

“No,” I said in with a questioning voice.

“Well, you have a major problem in your home.  It’s flooded.”

“What?” I gasped. “What happened?”

“I would just suggest you get here quickly,” he exclaimed.

“Thank you,” I said hurriedly as I hung up the phone. I jumped in my car and raced home from the office in the pelting rain. Once I pulled into the driveway, I realized what had happened. We were getting a new roof on our house and the workers had taken off the old one but, for whatever reason, they were not able to get a tarp secured to cover the house. So, in came the heavy rain. The attic, second floor and first floor were all inundated. Beautiful old plaster ceilings fell to the floor, antique furniture was ruined, and clothes were soaked. That night, June 1^st, we moved out.

Sure, it’s tough for my family to be houseless. You get kind of disoriented and feel like you’re in a fog. But we’re not homeless. We know where our permanent home really is. Carrie Underwood shares the same sentiment in her hit song, Temporary Home—“This is our temporary home.  It’s not where we belong…This is just a stop, on the way to where we’re going.”   Heaven is my family’s ultimate home and our final destination.

As you watch this video below, you’ll see how our house was destroyed, all of the damage that was done, and how we, as a family, reacted and ultimately gave thanks for this difficulty in our lives.

Check out my wife, Susan’s, take on the flood on her blog SusanMe.com:

The Roof Came Off & The Rain Came Down

The Flood Phase I: How Can It Be So Harmful?

The Flood Phase II: Kill The Mold In Your Mind

The Flood Phase III: Saying Goodbye

Part of being a responsible adult means not wasting things, especially your life.  Here are 10 ways to not waste your life.  Hope you are challenged by this list!

1. Believe

Belief is the most powerful, positive life-changer in the arsenal. Believe that you are a valued person with something to contribute, and chances are you will.

2. Know where you’re headed

Dr. Seuss said, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.”  Setting and achieving goals is necessary for purposeful change.  Both short term, “I’m going to spend the evening with my child so he goes to sleep feeling loved.” and long-term, “By Christmas I’ll be able to tell my AA group and my family I’ve been sober for six-months.”

3. Identify a better reference point for success

Know that our standard for a successful life is found in serving others, being a great parent, loving our spouse. These standards are more conducive to satisfaction and success than “Beautiful, because I’m worth it”, or “He who dies with the most toys wins.”

4. Value relationships above all else

Value relationships above results. Value serving others above being served. Value investing in people above investing in things.

5. Remember where your joy and value comes from

A dependence on anything external for happiness is unnecessary: If we “need” others to make us happy, or if we need achievements to feel worthy, we undermine our reason for being.  The simple fact that we are loved and valued by the Creator is sufficient. Your joy comes from knowing who you are and whose you are.

6. Live in the moment

“I’ll feel like I’ve achieved something when _________ happens.” “Just let me get that new ________, and I’ll be good.” This kind of thinking ensures we’ll remain dependent on “more” for satisfaction. Live in the moment. Be grateful for what we have right now. Be content in our present circumstances.

7. Defer short-term thrills in favor of long-term rewards

We often sacrifice long-term joy, satisfaction and contentment for short-term thrills and personal pleasure. Things like sex outside of marriage, pornography, and gambling will never satisfy. What will satisfy is sex in a marital relationship, lasting and loving relationships, living a life of purpose, and hard work.

8. Always continue learning

Life-long learners adopt the ongoing posture of reinvention and redemption. Learners ask questions rather than act as if they know all the answers. It’s difficult to waste your life when you are humble and open to new ideas.

9. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Knowing what we value puts everything else into perspective. If we know what really matters in life, then we’re not as likely to get caught up in, or bothered by, things that don’t have a long-term or eternal impact.

10. Never do anything you wouldn’t be comfortable doing in the presence of your Maker

If in doubt about this, talk it over with God first.

Tonight is the 2011 CMT Music Awards.  The show will honor the best country music videos of the year and feature country’s biggest names performing live.  According to the 2011 Country Music Association, 38% of American adults—or about 85 million people—are Country Music fans, so it’s very likely that many of you will be tuning in.  One of the songs nominated tonight really spoke to my heart as a husband and father.  The song, Hello World is the fourth single from Lady Antebellum’s album, Need You Now.

The video is touching, and the music is captivating.  But what really struck me were the lyrics.  As I watched and listened, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between the story playing out before me and the story of our lives.

We’re distracted and disengaged.

We are all so busy that we multi-task at everything.  We have  working lunches because we’re too busy to take the time to enjoy a meal away from our desks.  We’re connected to every gadget possible so we can stay connected on the go.  Instead of being in the moment, we’re consumed with a constant mental checklist of things we need to accomplish.  We are disengaged.

Small kindnesses make huge impacts.

In the video, this kindness was demonstrated in the  chocolate-faced smile of a child, and an innocent wave.  It’s a kindness that costs nothing to the giver, but can be priceless to the one on the receiving end.  It’s amazing how a few seconds can change someone’s day.  You never know if a simple smile from you may be the only kindness a person is shown all day.

Our Challenge.

OK.  So here’s where the rubber meets the road.  What are we going to do about it?  The answer to being distracted and disengaged is to focus on what’s happening around us and to be engaged in the moment.  Will you accept the challenge?  Pick one or all of them and then let me know how it goes.

1. When someone’s talking to you, make eye contact, smile, and do NOT multitask.
2. When you get in your car, don’t connect your Bluetooth; in fact don’t even turn on the radio.  Instead, just drive and enjoy the scenery or the conversation with a riding companion.
3.  Smile and say, “Hello” to a stranger.  Show a kindness to an unsuspecting person.

I hope that Lady Antebellum takes home a prize tonight for this song.  I’m glad there are still musicians in the industry who put out such inspiring music.  We certainly need it.  What are your thoughts about this song?

It starts out so innocently.  Rummaging through some old things, you run across a faded picture of you and an old flame.  Your mind starts to think about them, “I wonder what ever happened to….?”  And nostalgia prompts you to look them up online.  It’s surprisingly easy to find them and shoot off a message.  Seems harmless, right?  Wrong! Fanning those old flames could start a wildfire that could quickly burn out of control.

Want to extinguish that old flame?  Here’s how.

Get rid of the fuel.

Take all the old pictures, the notes, the gifts, the cards, the clothes…anything that could cause a spark…and get rid of it.  If you’re hesitant to let it go, you need to ask yourself, “Why not?”  Even more reason to let it go.  And whatever you do, avoid the things and activities that could fan the flames.  That means don’t pursue emails, texts, instant messages, Facebook posts…whatever you do to feed the spark.

Light a “Backfire.”

Employ a technique used by firefighters and light a planned burn at home so no other flame can gather momentum.  Stoke this fire so that it burns so bright and hot that it will smother any others.  Try these 8 Outside-the-Box Date ideas to turn the heat up between you and your spouse.

Let’s face it.  Keeping things burning at home will make it easier to extinguish the old flames from your past.