In the movie, Courageous, one of the main characters, Alex, states that he wants to be more than just a “good enough” father.  So, what makes a father more than “good enough”?  How can you be a father who is great?

Dads, start by making a list of your priorities.  What is the first item on your list?  Is it your relationship with God?  That is an amazing start.  If the next item is your family, you are on a roll.  If you are married, your relationship with your wife needs to be strong, or it will affect your relationship with your children as well.  If your marriage is sinking in quicksand, here are some tips on how to put conflict to rest. If your marriage is on solid ground, here are 10 compliments to give your wife to keep it that way.

If there are items other than faith and family at the top of your priorities, such as work or sports, then you need to shift some of your priorities around.  Start by making a commitment to spend more time with your children. Remember, T-I-M-E is how your kids spell love.  So, schedule one-on-one time with each of your children at least once a week.  Go paint pottery with your daughter.  Take your son to the batting cages.  Or, just toss the ball in the backyard, take a bike ride or watch Courageous (now available on DVD) with your older children.  Get to know each other!  You will find your kids are some of the most fascinating people in your life.

What activities you do with your kids in your one-on-one times together?

Tony Dungy and I first met in 1997, a year after he became head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Since that time, he and I have worked side-by-side helping men to be the best fathers they can be through our All Pro Dad program.

Recently, Tony and I were sitting in my office talking about fatherhood.  During our conversation, we talked about the importance of fathers modeling courage to their children.  I asked Tony, “What is courage?”  “Courage is the ability to do the right thing, all the time, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it might be,” Tony said to me in his convincing way.  “It takes courage to discipline at the right time and in the right way.  It takes courage to say ‘no’.  It takes courage to go against the grain and say, ‘You know what, I know everybody else allows their kids to watch these television programs, or dress like that, but I’m not going to allow it.’  It takes courage to stand up for your convictions.”

I agree with Tony and I would add that it takes courage for a father to:

• Create boundaries for your kids
• Discipline your children and apply appropriate consequences when they go outside those boundaries
• Control technology, monitor electronics and establish clear guidelines for what types of TV shows and movies they are allowed to watch and the music they can listen to
• Talk to your children about sex
• Require your children to work
• Be a parent, not a buddy
• Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong and forgive your child when they have done something wrong

In the movie, Courageous, (now on DVD), five men take different roads toward their goal of being a “courageous” dad.  View it with your wife or older children and see the results of their individual journeys.

What other things would you add to this list that a courageous father must do?

As I was sitting with Jim Caldwell, Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts, in his office, he shared with me how he wrote many letters to his daughter in college, but she never said anything to him about it when they spoke on the phone or when they saw each other. He wondered if she ever even read them.  Then, one day when Jim was visiting her in her dorm room, he saw all of the letters he had written her opened and proudly posted on her bulletin board! Your children may not express their enthusiasm about your notes or even acknowledge getting them, but know that your notes to them will impact their lives and always be remembered.

Over the years, I’ve made it a practice to write notes to each of my children. I’d like to share the kinds of notes I’ve written and then show you how you can write those notes to your children as well. If you don’t feel like you’re the writing type, or don’t know what to say, I’m going to try to give you some ideas and specific things you can say in your notes. Some of these notes you’ll write one time; others will be notes you’ll want to write on an ongoing basis when you can.

Here are the 7 Notes that you should write to your children

1. Love note. This is a note where you express your unconditional love to your children for who they are and validate their wonderful gifts. You can read what I wrote to my children in my How to win your Child’s Heart blog post.

2. Lunch box notes. Another way to uplift our children is to slip them a note in their lunchbox. My wife, Susan, and I found that just simply letting them know we’re thinking of them will encourage them through the day. Not sure of what to write? How about, “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” “Have a great day,” or “Hope your test goes well.” You can even surprise them with a “Let’s go for ice cream after school” note. I’ve got some free, downloadable lunchbox notes you can use to get started.

3. Post-It notes. You can write little notes to your kids on yellow sticky notes and put them on their mirror, dresser, notebook or anywhere you want. Like lunchbox notes, these post-its are just quick words of encouragement to your kids. You might just say something like, “Way to go. An “A” in math! Awesome!” or “That was so nice that you encouraged your brother when he was down.” You can check out my Love your Family with Post-Its blog to see how we do it in our home.

4. Pillow Talk notes. As our children were growing up, Susan began to feel as if all communication with them was becoming instructional or disciplinary. So one time, she grabbed a spiral notebook, wrote a note to one of our daughters praising her for a nice thing she did for her sister and put it on her pillow. To my wife’s surprise, my daughter wrote back and placed the journal on her pillow. As a result, Susan developed the Pillow Talk journal so parents, like you, can write short notes of encouragement to their kids when they desire. 

5. Forgiveness notes. Every parent makes mistakes in child-rearing. And every parent should ask their child to forgive them for those mistakes.  Sometimes a verbal, “I was wrong, would you please forgive me?” is appropriate. Other times, a written letter to your child is the way to go. Write to Right a Wrong.

6. Blessing note.  There is something inside every child that makes that child crave a good word from his or her parents. When we bless our child, we are placing our “seal of approval” upon them and giving them power to prosper in many areas of life, including marriage, children, finances, health and career. In addition to writing a note of blessing, you can also have a blessing ceremony.

7. College and Career note. Another thing I’ve done for my children is to memorialize, in writing, the most important things I tried to instill in them as they were growing up. Three of our five children are now in college or working.  Before they left our nest, there were four things that Susan and I taught them and always want them to remember. Here are the four things I penned to each of them.

I hope these ideas will help you get started on writing notes to your children. If you have any creative ideas that you have used with your children, I’d love to hear them!

It seems like my wife Susan and I are constantly saying “no” to our children.  “No, you cannot watch that movie.” “No, you cannot spend the night out tonight.” “No, you cannot go to that party.”  And it’s often a good thing to say “no” to our children, especially when something is not what’s best for them.  But it’s also good to say “yes” to our children whenever we can. I am always searching for more ways to say “yes.” So, every time one of my kids asks me to do something with them, I do my best to figure out how to make it happen even though it’s inconvenient or even though I had other plans, because I really enjoy being with them.

A few weeks ago on a Saturday night, my 16 year old son got home and asked me to go get a hamburger with him.  I was tired and ready for bed, but realized that I might not get this opportunity again for a while, especially if I turned him down.  So, I said “yes.”

On another occasion, I arrived home from work and was looking forward to my work out. As I was getting ready to exercise, my 19 year old daughter asked me to go with her to the mall. Of course, I changed my plans and said “yes.”

By the way, to be a “yes” parent, you need to be an available parent. If you’re not there when your kids want to do something with you, you’ll miss opportunities that may not come your way again.

What do you do to be a “yes” parent?

One way to teach your children the importance of telling the truth is with a word picture.  Most kids don’t necessarily understand how hard you work for your family, but they do understand that when you get your paycheck, you deposit it into a bank. Then the bank pays you a little something called interest for keeping your money there.

Deposits in your “Trust Account”

In the same way, explain to your children that each time they tell the truth, a deposit is made in your “trust account.” The more deposits that are made, the more you trust them. And thus, the more privileges they earn in return.

Dividends for your Children

Initially, the returns on their deposits might be spending the night out at a friend’s house or staying up a bit later on a weekend. As their account grows, bigger dividends might be a cell phone, texting and even driving a car.  As I’ve mentioned before in a previous blog on Privileges vs. Entitlements, these things aren’t just automatic.

Depleting your Trust Account

Your children need to know that if just one lie is told to you, it can completely deplete their trust account with you. Then they’ll have to start from scratch to make deposits to build up that trust once again.

One idea for helping your kids understand this principle is to use Monopoly money as a visual to demonstrate the deposits and withdrawals from their “Trust Account.” What are some other creative ways you can think of?

I shared with you the 7 Foundational Principles of Tried-and-True Discipline in a previous blog post. Now let’s talk about a practical tool for disciplining your child.  I call it the three “R”s of discipline: remove, reflect and reconnect. Now, before you think that these R’s only apply to younger children, know that, with some minor adjustments, they can apply to young teens as well.

Remove

When you need to discipline, immediately remove your child from the situation and send him to his room.  The goal is to give him time to think about what he’s done, and at the same time give everyone time to calm down and get ready to talk about what just happened.

Then, when you feel like your child is ready and has a calm spirit, move onto the next “R,” Reflect.

Reflect

When you and your child reflect, discuss what happened.  Ask your child three questions:

1. “What did you do wrong?”  Don’t let him make excuses or blame others.
2. Next, ask him, “Why was it wrong?”
3. Finally, ask, “What are you going to do differently the next time?” You want to shape his heart so he’ll be self-motivated to change his behavior the next time. Here, you’ll also want to talk about the consequences.

When your children do misbehave, you need to already have consequences in place.  Make sure the consequences match the offense.  And, your kids need to know what they are. You can break those consequences into three groups.

1. The first group includes bickering, name calling, complaining or whining.  The consequence here is remove, reflect and reconnect, the three “R”s .
2. The next group is disobedience.  Go ahead with the three “R”s, but add an extra chore.
3. Finally, for lying or willful defiance, use the three “R”s and take away a privilege like spending the night out or driving the car.

Now comes a very crucial step, the third R, reconnect.

Reconnect

Before you finish, make sure the bond between you and your child is not broken.  Hug your child.  Tell your child you love him no matter what and believe in his ability to make the right decision the next time.

What are some of the ways you handle discipline in your family?

It’s easy to feel left out as a father. Between working hard at the office and keeping up the house, finding time and energy to really connect with our kids can be tough.  It’s not that our family means to keep us at a distance, but, in the busyness of life, we sometimes get pushed aside.  The solution?  Be more deliberate about how our lives intersect with our family.  Here 7 are steps to more, and better, time with your family:

Keep the Communication Lines Open

Communicate with your children in a manner that is not condescending. Keeping open communication eliminates potential issues down the line. Have real and honest conversations at every possible chance. Even consider sharing stories from your childhood as examples. It will lend you credibility in their eyes. These 4 C’s for Communicating with your Teen may help.

One-On-One Time

Make an effort to spend quality time alone with each of your children on a regular basis. Have you read You Don’t Have Time? You might have the same last name, but you probably have completely different personalities. Get to know the unique qualities of each of your kids and learn why birth order affects your parenting style.

Spiritual Connection

As cliché as it may sound, “The family that prays together stays together.”  Worshipping God as a family creates a very strong bond.  Encouraging your Teen to Worship and Remembering the Sabbath are important to strengthen that bond as well.

Unwavering Support

Your children are watching your every move. They are listening to every single word even when you think they aren’t. Part-time parenting doesn’t work. Commit 100% of yourself to your family. You are the strength they look to for security and hope.

As parents, we have a vision of who we would like our children to be. Rarely does that vision match reality. You might have dreamed your son would be a high school football star. Instead, he is really into guitar and has very promising skills. Embrace your child’s dreams and resist the urge to project your dreams onto them. Nurture them and support them. Validate your child no matter what stirs their personal passion.

The Good Humor Parent

No, you do not have to wear an all-white uniform, nor do you have to sell ice cream. However, it would help to consistently have a pleasant and fun-loving spirit with your children. If you are blessed with a great sense of humor, use it often with them. If you are more of a serious type, use a warm smile to put your children at ease. Big smiles and humor help to lighten tension and stress at any age.

Be There to Cheer

The Honor Roll ceremony. The t-ball game.  Ballet recital. Karate tournament. Your children’s events, no matter how big or small, are big to them. The two people they want there the most are mom and dad. Sometimes life will not let you, but attend as many events as you possibly can. Take your camera and give big hugs at the end. Seek ways to affirm your child’s gifts whenever possible.

Show Affection

Hug your daughter every day or somebody else will.  Boys need big bear hugs as well.  Children need lots of love and plenty of affection. This can be difficult task for some men. We are raised to be strong, tough guys, but emotion cannot always be expressed verbally. There must be a physical component as well. Those big hugs you give your children will do just as much good for you as they will for your kids.

When it comes to your family, take responsibility. Your children need you to be involved in their lives as much as possible. If you have fun ideas on how to better connect with your children, I’d love to hear them!

Today, my good friend Tony Dungy shares with us how he learns from pain. His son, Jordan, is unable to feel pain. At first that may sound enticing, but it is more challenging than you would think. Take a moment to hear what Tony and his family have learned as a result of Jordan’s condition.

Being a parent is really hard, but letting go is even harder. Think about it. If you are a young parent, you realize that you are pretty much in control of all the decisions your child makes—what kind of clothes they are going to wear, where they’re going to go, what kind of food they are going to eat. You are in control.

But, as your children get older, you move from being in control as a parent to being more out of control as a parent. As a teen, your child makes more decisions on their own—decisions that might even be a little painful if they make the wrong decision. But the pain of those decisions can actually help them grow.  Of course, we don’t want our kids to make a really poor decision that’s going to scar them for the rest of their life, so we need to keep all of this within certain boundaries.

For example, I remember one of our daughters, who was seventeen at the time, wanted to go to a party and my wife and I really didn’t think it was a very good idea.  We sat down with her and said, “You know what honey? We don’t think this is a good idea for you to go and we don’t think you should go. If you do go, you are going without our blessing and out from under our authority, but you need to make the decision whether you’re going to go or not.”  We were letting her make the decision and giving her the freedom to fail. I am pleased to report that she made the decision not to go to the party, and we let her know that it was a very wise decision.

So, I want to encourage you to give your children the freedom to fail as they get older. Of course, that freedom will depend not only on their age, but also their track record and maturity level. Allow them to make those decisions so that when they are ready to fly solo later in life, they’ll have the equipment, the knowledge, and the wisdom to be able to make wise decisions.

What are some ways you have allowed your children to make decisions and possibly fail?

Being courageous does not mean you don’t have anxiety or fear.  It means you do the right thing and stand strong no matter the cost or how scared you might be.  Here are 5 ways to teach your kids to be courageous.

1.    Set the Example

The eyes of your kids are always on you. Your children’s prime example of bravery is going to come from you. Allow them to witness you stepping out of your comfort zone.  It could be them seeing you overcome a simple fear of heights and riding the roller coaster at your local amusement park.

2.     Lovingly Challenge Them

We naturally want to protect our children at all times and do all we can to alleviate their fears. However, we also must challenge them constantly to try new things, even if that makes them scared. Trying new food, speaking in front of the class, or playing a sport are some examples. When our kids step up and do these types of things, be sure to give ample praise. Build on their courageous attempts.

3.    Point Out Real Life Role Models

When we think of heroes, we think of soldiers, firefighters, or policemen. They all provide many examples of courage and valor.  Point this out to your kids.  Ask your children to go up and thank them. Go even further by giving your kids courageous quotes from people in all walks of life. For example, Tony Dungy recently shared with me what courage is all about when he said, “Courage is the ability to do the right thing, all the time, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it might be.”  Write these kinds of quotes on a white board in your home.  Talk about them over dinner.

4.     Be Scared Together

Nothing can illustrate courage more powerfully than you and your children doing something reasonably risky together.  Perhaps it’s going on a mission trip, water skiing or riding a roller coaster.  Whatever it is, when you and your kids overcome fear together, you help your children to be courageous.

5.     Equip Them With Prayer

Prayer fills the human heart with courage.  Faith helps to overcome fear.  Pray with, and for, your children and encourage them to be strong and courageous.

How are you demonstrating courage to your children?