Do you want to give your marriage a boost?  It doesn’t take attending a weekend seminar or even reading a thick, hard cover book; you can boost your marriage in just one minute a day. Try these six ways to boost your marriage in sixty seconds.

1. Say “Thank you” or “You are an amazing spouse.”  Everyone likes to feel appreciated and loved.  Thank your spouse for the little things that they do that may go unnoticed.  Let them know that you did, in fact, notice.  Or just simply say, “You are amazing and I am so honored to share my life with you.”

2. Spend some spontaneous time together during a weekday.   It is so easy to get wrapped up in the everyday things of life and just go through the motions.  Let your spouse know that they are not just part of the weekday routine.  Take an hour to have lunch with your spouse during the week.  Or just send a text or make a quick call to let them know you are thinking about them.  A little extra effort will go a long way.

3. Ask about their day.  Everyone wants to feel important.  At the end of a long day, you may not feel like listening to one more issue, situation, or recap; however, take a few minutes to ask your spouse about their day and really listen—make eye contact and respond.  No need to problem-solve, just let them know that you care about how they are doing.

4. Kiss your spouse.  Physical affection is an important way to show your spouse that you love them, especially on a day they may not feel particularly attractive or lovable.  Take a spontaneous moment to show them that they are still the one you love.

5. Pray for them.  Pray for your spouse.  Pray for their protection, their needs, their concerns, and anything that you know is important to them.  Also pray for your marriage, your children, your life together, and that God remains (or becomes) the center of it.

6. Encourage dream-chasing.  Throughout our lives, we continue to have new dreams and also have some old ones that have yet to be fulfilled.  Encourage your spouse to never lose that child-like gift of dreaming about the future–adventures, hobbies, travel.  You will benefit as well because life will never be boring!

Try these six things for one week and let me know if you see changes in your marriage. I’d love to hear from you!

After 22 years of marriage, I’ve learned a few things.  I’ve learned that these 5 C’s are important to have a healthy marriage. Now, I can’t tell you I do all of these things well, but I can tell you that I work hard at them.

1. Combine. When a man and woman get married, the “two become one flesh.” There is something magical, mystical and beyond our comprehension when a couple enters the marital covenant.  My blog, Are You and Your Spouse on the Same Team?, may be of some help as you understand how to practically work together in all areas of life.

2. Commit. A husband and wife must commit to: make their marriage a top priority; to be married for life; never to use the “D” word; to be truthful in everything.  These 11 Things a Husband and Wife Must Agree On will help you meet your commitment.

3. Confess. You’re never more right than when you admit you’re wrong.  If you’ve wronged your spouse, be quick to confess it and seek forgiveness. Here’s how to make A True Apology and how to Give Forgiveness as well.

4. Change. Confessing you’re wrong about something and asking for forgiveness isn’t enough.  If you wrong your spouse over and over again relating to the same thing, your spouse may question your sincerity and motives.  Change must accompany confession.  Does that mean you’ll never do the same thing again?  No. It just means that you are strongly striving to turn in a new direction.

5. Choose.  Love is a decision.  So choose to love your spouse no matter what. Love your unlovable spouse. Love is unconditional.

Are these 5 C’s a part of your marriage? Please share your thoughts with me.

Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her NBA star husband, Kris Humphries, only 72 days after their wedding.  Much has been made about what she should now do with her 20 carat wedding ring.  That’s a staggering nearly 1 carat for every 4 days married.  Needless to stay, for such a stunning ring, there was not much substance behind the relationship.  The quickly planned wedding and quickly filed divorce papers raise a few questions.  Was it a just a publicity stunt?   Was it just for money?  Well, they’ve certainly received millions of dollars of free publicity from their wedding and marriage.  And it’s been reported that Kardashian earned about $18 million from the wedding and marriage.

The sad part of all of this is Kardashian and Humphries’ complete lack of understanding of what marriage is all about.  The diamond wedding ring is supposed to symbolize forever.  That’s what marriage is.  Forever, till death do you part. Kim and Kris seem to think marriage is just a contract—a contract that can be broken at any time and for any reason whatsoever.

But marriage is not a contract, it’s a covenant.  And that’s what wedding rings symbolize –the unending commitment to keep the covenant. To help Kardashian and Humphries understand the nature of the marriage covenant, they may want to read this quick contrast between a covenant and a contract.

In a nutshell, a contract is all about what you get. A covenant is all about what you give. The meaning of marriage is covenantal. Should Kim give the ring back? If she has no intention of keeping the covenant, then yes.

Emotional affairs are easy to fall into if we’re not careful. Listen as my friends Gary and Barb Rosberg share how to avoid an emotional affair. And then take some time tonight to sit down with your spouse and reconnect. Staying in tune with your spouse will keep you from looking for affirmation and emotional connectedness outside your marriage.

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During hurricane season here in my home state of Florida, we are reminded of one important thing over and over again. Here it is. How you do when the storm comes depends on what you did before the storm comes. That same thought applies to marriage relationships as well. We need to be prepared. Here are three things that you should do to prepare for the marital storms that will come.

1. The first step in preparing for the storms in our married life is to understand that marriage is for life.  And you and your spouse must agree that marriage is for life, that divorce is not an option, and that the “d” word will not be used in your marriage relationship.
2. The second thing you need to do to prepare for the storms in life is to maintain your marriage. Just like we maintain a car or a house, we need to maintain our marriages. So, how do you do that? Well, two things that we can do to maintain our marriages is to read great books on marriage and go to great marriage seminars.
3. The third thing we need to do is spend time together as a couple. I’m talking about quantity time. That might mean scheduling a date night each week or every other week. Go somewhere where you can just talk like dinner or for a picnic in the park.
4. The fourth, and final, step in preparing for the storms that come in your marriage is to always have in mind that you will “choose us.” When you got married, the two became one flesh.  You married “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” The storms that do hit your marriage will subside. They will blow over. And then you know what’s left? Just the two of you—you and your spouse. So “choose us!”

I think you will really like the video clip below from The Family Man movie. It’s awesome and I think you’ll be encouraged by it.

When storms do arise in your marriage, use this worksheet to put conflict to REST.

In his book, Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life… And Loving It!, Dr. Neil Clark Warren provides eight secrets to working through conflict with your spouse.

1. Marriage is a “We” Business

Dr. Warren says, “Any couple who gains a ‘we’ perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage.” Shift the focus of your marriage to a “we” mentality, especially in conflict.

2. Deal with the Issue as Quickly as Possible

Deal with conflict by getting problems out in the open and addressing them head-on. Don’t let issues fester below the surface.

3. Stick to the Subject

If you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse, stay focused on resolving that current conflict. Don’t throw old fights or problems into the discussion.

4. Don’t Intimidate

Some people become more concerned with “winning” a fight than working through the conflict. They may become mean, intimidating or threatening in order to stay in the fight. In Dr. Warren’s words, “Intimidation may result in victory for an individual, but I’ve never seen it produce victory for the marriage.”

5. No Name-Calling

Establish a rule with your spouse that there will be no name-calling during a fight. Name-calling will only lead to more hurt and emotional distance between the two of you.

6. Turn Up Your Listening Sensitivity

While it may be hard to actively listen to your spouse when your emotions are running high from an argument, you must take the time to try and see their point of view. This is key to the road to resolution. When your spouse feels listened to, they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say, as well.

7. Practice Give and Take

“What we must understand is that marriage is a partnership and therefore requires both give and take to be successful,” says Dr. Warren. Be willing to compromise on certain issues that are more important to your spouse. Choose your battles wisely.

8. Celebrate Every Victory

Recognize the victories when you and your spouse successfully work through a conflict together. Focus on the progress you have made as a couple and the new strengths that you have together as a result.

For more help on conflict resolution, check out iMOM’s 10 Ways to Fight Fair with Your Spouse.

I’m a wordsmith.  I hang on every word that is said. I’m a literal listener.  My wife Susan is not. She’s a big picture person. She’s intuitive and reads emotions. Because of our differing styles of communication and information processing, whenever Susan and I have a tough topic we need to address, we use what’s been called the speaker/listener technique.  Relationship expert and friend Dr. Gary Smalley also calls it “drive-thru communication” because you communicate kind of like you do when you’re in a drive-thru.  You give your order and the cashier repeats it back to you, “So that’s two burgers, a fry and a coke.”  Then you either say, “That’s right” or, if they don’t hear it correctly, you repeat the order.

How it Works

Well, that type of communication is effective in marriage too. Here’s how it works.

1. Only one person speaks at a time.  Use an object such as a pencil or even the TV remote (but make sure the TV is off) to designate who the current speaker is, that is, who has the floor.

2. The speaker makes one statement or point and the listener repeats it back so that the speaker knows the listener clearly understood.

3. When the speaker feels like they have been heard and understood on the points they are trying to make, the speaker and listener switch roles.

Let me illustrate. The spouse who has the floor says, “Honey, when you come home from work and immediately sit in front of the TV, it makes me feel like the TV is more important to you than I am.”  Then the other person repeats it back, “O.K. so it bothers you when I come home and go right for the TV.  It makes you feel unimportant.”  “Exactly,” the spouse who is the speaker says. And then the couple should discuss a resolution using the same speaker-listener technique.  You can also read my blog on putting conflict to R.E.S.T.

Also, in this example, notice how the spouse addressing the issue diplomatically phrased her concerns.  She essentially said “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.”  This is a good way to communicate because you’re talking about how you “feel” instead of accusing or focusing on the other person’s actions.

While using this technique, it’s very important to be an active listener.  That means that you are giving them your full attention and looking them in the eyes, not reading your text messages or watching the TV. You are watching their body language…do they seem happy, sad or angry? You are thinking about what they are saying, not how you are going to respond.  My parenting as a good listener blog will give you more practical advice on this.

Here is a short video clip of my wife and me demonstrating the speaker-listener technique. Have you ever tried the speaker-listener technique?  Has it worked for you?

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, say in their book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, that there are 5 traits of a healthy, life-long marriage: ownership, hope, empathy, forgiveness, and commitment. Here is a summary of each of those characteristics.

1. Ownership: Taking Responsibility

Often, couples believe their problems are the result of the other person’s actions.  It’s easy to avoid responsibility for our problems by blaming someone else.  But in the long-haul, admitting mistakes and owning up to our part of the problem is the single most powerful predictor of turning something bad into something good. Couples need to realize that it’s not who’s wrong, but what’s wrong that counts.

2. Hope:  Believing that Good Ultimately Triumphs

The foundation of hope is belief.  We must believe that the kind of marriage we want is possible.  Hope keeps love alive.  Stop hoping and marriage dies.

3. Empathy:  Walking in your Spouse’s Shoes

A spouse must be aware of what their spouse is feeling and what’s behind that feeling.  Empathy involves both the head and the heart. Many of us do one or the other pretty well; we either feel our partner’s pain with our heart, or we try to solve their problem with our head.  To do both can be a challenge.  But that is what empathy is all about.

4. Forgiveness:  Healing the Wounds

In a good marriage, both husbands and wives are quick to ask for forgiveness and to grant forgiveness. The simple words, “I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” are magical in marriage. Forgiveness was designed to heal the deepest wounds of a human heart.

5. Commitment: Loving for Life

No matter how long a couple has been married, commitment may be the most effective tool good marriages use in battling bad things. Without commitment and the trust it engenders, marriages would have little hope of lasting.

In the face of difficulty, the key is to stay committed to your spouse and work together. Sit down with your spouse tonight and discuss how you are doing in each of these categories.

“Why don’t you talk to me the way you talk to your Family First supporters?”  It was an unexpected question my wife shot over the bow of my ship in response to my speaking harshly to her.  It was one of those penetrating questions that is tough to answer.

I realized very quickly that I was speaking unkindly.  That was apparent.  I also knew that when I responded honestly, it would reveal something about me, maybe a truth I didn’t want to see.  It was one of those moments on my journey where I was on a strip of a rocky path that had the potential to trip me.  You see, for some reason, I had come to think that because Susan is my wife of 22 years, my closest companion and confidant, I therefore had a special license to say anything I wish, in whatever tone I wish, when I’m around her. I mean, I share my deepest thoughts and secrets with Susan. So why shouldn’t I feel comfortable just being me, saying what’s on my mind? Well, there’s the problem.  I was just being me, and it wasn’t pretty. That wasn’t the end, though.

Somewhere within my answer to her question there was an even more compelling truth I needed to explore in the deep waters of how I relate daily to those around me, especially with my family.  Maybe I’m not always “me” around my friends and the people with whom I work. Maybe I’m sometimes nicer to them, especially with my words.  The Author of Wisdom once said “What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.” So that one little question from Susan revealed an underlying heart condition that I need to continually address. Now, I’d like to think that this episode was an exception, rather than a rule in my life. I really do strive to live a model life where my walk matches my talk, and where my walk and talk are consistent in all areas of my life, private and public, personal and professional.

Compartmentalized or Consistent?

Most of us, in small or big ways, live compartmentalized lives. We have our home life, work life, church life, social life, and online life. Some of us, you could say, have almost nine lives.  And we often live as though each of these lives is an island unto itself.  We are one person with our family, another person with our friends and still another person at work. We praise our friends and put down our family. We slap our clients on the back and slap our spouse in the face, hopefully only figuratively. The way we speak and behave in each area of our lives is sometimes very different. Let me illustrate. Let’s say you never looked your boss in the eye and mumbled one-word answers to his questions. You probably wouldn’t be working very long at that job, would you? Now, think of the way you interact with your spouse. When your wife speaks to you, do you avoid eye contact? When your wife asks questions, do you get annoyed and snippy? We often treat others better than we treat our own family members.  But that’s not the way it should be.  We weren’t wired to live like that. We were put together to act consistently and to live with one language of love.

What About You?

What about you? If the curtain was pulled back on your home life and personal relationships and people saw the real you, what would they see?  Based on your words and actions, would they recognize you as the same person everywhere  you went—at  work, at school, at the store, at the gym, at the club, at church?  Most importantly, just whom would they see in your home?

Here are some great conversation starters for you to use with your spouse to build better communication habits.

Infidelity is as old as marriage. As long as people have joined together, there has always been a potential for one of the partners to look outside of the marriage for something they feel is lacking within. Let me just say again that there is NEVER a valid reason to cheat on a spouse. Instead, I want to draw your attention to possible areas that your spouse needs. The most common reason that husbands and wives stray is lacking in one of these areas. If you know potential areas of weakness, you can strengthen them and allow your marriage to not only survive, but to thrive for a lifetime.