Posted on: July 27, 2012

How to Have the Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed of

how to have the marriage youve always dreamed of_thumb

 

You may be thinking that I’m going to give you some tips on how you can change that husband or wife of yours who desperately needs changing, right?  Well, not really.  I’m going to give you 7 things YOU must do as you strive to have the marriage you’ve always dreamed of.

1. You must always make your spouse the top priority in your life.

2. You must serve your spouse, and sacrifice for your spouse, without expectation of anything in return.

3. You must empathize with your spouse. Feel what they feel.

4. You must control your tongue. Use it to build up, not tear down.

5. You must ask for forgiveness and forgive your spouse for any wrongs committed.

6. You must always, always be honest in everything.

7. Must love your spouse to make your spouse lovely

What are you doing to have the marriage you’ve always dreamed of? Please share your thoughts with me.

(Portions of the foregoing were excerpted from All Pro Dad: Seven Essentials to Be a Hero to Your Kids by Mark Merrill, Thomas Nelson publishers, 2012; available at www.AllProDadBook.com)

  • John

    I believe this sums up the secret to success very well. A life of service and building up your partner through your words and actions has helped give us the marriage we’ve always dreamed of. I would reword #6, however, as the emphasis on “always” and “everything” can lead to hurt and damage in a marriage. I don’t have to worry about being put in this predicament, but what about the guys who hear the question “do these jeans make my butt look big?” when they absolutely do, but “I love you just the way you are” is going to be received as disingenuous? Honesty isn’t “always” the best policy with “everything”. 

  • Karl

    I agree wholeheartedly with all 7 points.

    Unfortunately the one area of nature that we do not have control over is female menopause. After 20 years of marriage my wife, age 50, no longer wishes to be married.

    It’s a tragic loss for me and our entire family.

    And unfortunately none of these ideas seem to resonate with her

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/U3LPBQJBWR66JUAG7HWYSOOB2Y Brent

    I understand Karl’s thought.  Same happened to me.  Very difficult to understand and it does evoke a lot of anger, but this is the path that is set for us.  If one doesn’t want to participate in a Christian marriage and honor the vows, you must let go. 

  • Linda hummel

    Can’t do any relationship without trying to keep God in the center. Without him, we humans mess everything up.  Just attend a church together, and you will both feel him entering into your hearts and letting go of your own agendas.  Also, respect time alone that each of us needs at one point in every day.

  • Jenn

    My heart just broke for Karl. ;(
    I agree w/ John. “always” and “everything” and also “never” are very definitive and we are imperfect humans so by nature, we cannot “always” adhere to those terms. Sometimes saying what is “loving” trumps being forthcoming.

  • Kwolffette3

    When two people join their lives in holy matrimony, the Bible states they are to become as one.  Most people would not treat themselves in a manner to cause unhappiness.  Also, God commands that husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church, and that wives must honor and respect their husbands.  The commandment to honor and respect comes easy if you are loved like Christ loved.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Karl, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope she has a heart transformation.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    K, thanks for sharing your insight.

  • D47brooks

    Karl, I am so sorry that your wife feels this way and I will pray that she has a change of heart. Please do not blame her decision on menopause. People, men and women, can decide on divorce at any stage in life. Heart breaking for sure but true. My husband has always told me that when people are committed to something no one can stop them and when they are not, no one can make them. But God is always the X factor. Pray for your wife daily and show her God’s love no matter what daily ( : Put menopause out of your mind and for goodness sake do not tell her you think this is the reason for her decision.

  • Tanya

    Praying for my husband and claiming truths for him keep us close and keeps my heart where the Lord wants it.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    That’s a good thing, Tanya.

  • grap

    doing what my husband asks me to do.  If I want to talk about something and he asks me to stop, I need to stop and not push it.  He normally just needs some time to process my question or think about an answer, instead of feeling pushed to give an answer NOW.
     

  • della

    ive been with my partner and husband ten years.for first 6 i work and he did.since our children have grown and gone i do not work,his idea.i keep house,yard,maintainance,pets and cook clean and keep order .he works and pay bills and this is all he does he is over all financial aspects.unfortunatly the more i give the more he takes.there is no me at all.even when i speak he doesnt hear but only what he want.even his parent dont understand why i stay he loves me i know and i do him but un fortunatly he does not see he trys thinking for me even deciding what i like and dont like.this article definatly wasnt helpful for me.

  • James

    What do you do if your wife feels like there is no hope in the marriage and you keep doing what is right for the marriage and your kids but she just can’t bring herself to stay in the marriage because she feels she can’t meet by basic needs as a wife? Do I continue to fight???

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  • GG

    For 30 years. Never easy. Initially, I try to compromise in all, hope for changes in him.
    Only recently, the Lord lead me to focus on what I need to change.  After I read the book “For Women Only”.  (Men shall read – For men only)   I found that I was not understand men as the way they are. This help me in repentance & changes in myself.    Now, our relationship is getting sweeter each day.  We are now in love.
     Thankful, I come to Him & receive Him as the Lord of my life when in relationship crisis 15 years ago.  It takes 13 years for the situation to turn over. It is worth waiting. It is sweet.

  • Tkg

    Sorry Karl. I hope things have improved, but I can assure you this decision of your wife’s wasn’t sudden. My guess is that there have been signs and issues for years. Is it possible that you thought the problems went away because she wasn’t complaining? They didn’t, and she is dealing with years of resentment and regret. I know what I’m talking about. The enemy will attack any weakness, that’s his thing.
    God can change a heart, but if you want to stay committed,I suggest that you recognize honestly the reasons she is bitter, angry, or resentful. I am not saying its justified or not… But you need to get empathetic and take some share of responsibility……takes 2
    Also, sincere apologies with a reasonable action plan that is REALISTIC AND FOLLOWED. And, perhaps this sounds silly, but treat your wife like a date….open doors, put arm around her, be deferential…..even if you don’t “feel it”…. Can’t hurt, more likely to help.

  • Eric

    So very true! The hardest part is “without expectation”. Doubly hard for me because my wife is an alcoholic. She has not had a relapse for more than three months, but her thinking is still very tough. Candidly, my energy is at an all time low…… Any prayers would be greatly appreciated.

  • Socorro_mt

    What do you do when you try to follow all these steps and seems like nothing works?? I have lost the faith…..then i think about it & say ” well, he’s an adult & capable of making his own choices!”and gladly return to my beliefs. I was introduced to a non denomination church, that completely love, by my husband! The one that now doesn’t want to get involved with anything we do, @ church & outside of it. I have asked God to guide me, to help me have patience. But then i do also ask him “why do i need to stay, why do you want me to stay by my husband’s side when he obviously doesn’t want to obey you God? “Im totally crushed by my husband’s actions!!

  • http://twitter.com/danishcanadian Leah Christensen

     I feel that both partners must love eachother as Christ loved the church. That’s what “putting your spouse first” means to me. As for respect, husbands should respect their wives, as much as wives shobands. In my marriage love and respect go hand in hand. We can not love someone we don’t respect, and we can not respect someone we do not love.

  • http://twitter.com/danishcanadian Leah Christensen

     Praying right now!

  • http://twitter.com/danishcanadian Leah Christensen

     For men only, for women only? What if as a couple, spouses read both books, as well as their own? Then we would understand the advice our spouses were being given, as well as that which we are given. Empathy!