This is great – thanks for broaching this topic! I don’t have kids, but recently my fiance and I were taking a karate class together and I found out that even there, in martial arts (with all the facets of respect and discipline… ) they won’t give a little kid less than a “5″ on a scale of 1-10 because it hurts their self-esteem.  So… 5 is the new 1?  Aren’t we really just re-setting the low-end cap? 
As a teacher in public education last year, I was told not to use the word “no” or “don’t” — with HIGH SCHOOL students.  “Students are more likely to be motivated when they aren’t hearing ‘no’ all the time. Rather, tell them what TO do, and model good behavior and they’ll follow along.”  Ha. I think this concern for their self-esteem at the high-school level goes hand-in-hand with what you’re talking about, and I believe that it’s systemic and cylical and we are raising a generation of children who know no boundaries.  I like seeing my cousins’ and friends’ kids being raised much the same way we were (as much as they can) – they strive to still teach their children where the line is.  I encourage all parents out there to do the same.  IF ONLY FOR THE TEACHERS!!! But really, unto the Lord, as it is His charge to you who are parents.  In the end, we answer to our God, not the self-esteem gauge.

I have been a successful coach in football- flag and tackle without the best natural talent in the world.  I constantly had problems meshing the new kids that had little skill and marginal effort into the veteran group.  The vets welcomed and encouraged, but, the new kids knew that they were not playing up to the team standard and were always nervous. 

One year, I took on two teams for an experiment, experienced and new for flag football.  (Believe me, the vets were a machine with quick timing patterns and such).  The vets stayed together and the rookies had their own squad.   They practiced together and had mixed scrimmages, etc.  When they saw each other at school, they were all one.  But, because I had the less experienced kids setting their own bars and developing their own leaders, their motivation and effort went through the roof.  They had the veteran team as an example of what success and effort looked like and then it was on them to see how close they could get to it.

They won one game……and had a blast doing it.  They could make mistakes without the pressure of being the only one not executing properly.  The parents all came back to do it another season….they said they would do it for the practices alone.

Did they win the true battle…..yes. 

Great post – thank you!  We have 3 young girls who play in a recreational soccer league where trophies are passed out at the end of the season to all players.  Every season we let their coaches know ahead of time that our girls will not be accepting a trophy and it’s amazing how many of their coaches try to talk us into letting them give it to them.  My husband and I agree that if everyone is a winner than nobody is a winner and we want them to play for fun, not with the expectation of getting a reward at the end no matter how hard you tried.  Our girls honestly could care less if they get that trophy and it certainly hasn’t hurt their self-esteem…….they continue to want to play despite not getting a trophy.  The interesting part is that whenever the “trophy” subject comes up in conversation, we find that many parents agree that their kids don’t need a trophy and generally disagree with it, but they aren’t willing to make the tough decision of refusing the trophy and teaching their kids about the benefits of playing on a team and always doing their best.  It’s very hard to swim upstream against culture, but our kids will be better for it in the long run. 

Yep. Wehave that here in the UK. My daughter just finished the equivalent of grade 1. The report card was non-sensical and did not say anything really of use to us. My wife and I met with her teacher and challenged her on why there are no grades, no pass/fail no comments of constructive feedback. She replied they are no allowed!!!!

We are teaching our kids reality. At home my daughter and her younger brother win and lose. They are taught to handle it int he right way.