Posted on: July 5, 2011

The Value of Endurance: The Tour de France and Your Marriage

 

The Tour de France has begun.  It’s a grueling race that extends over 2,000 miles through the French countryside.  It’s not for the faint of heart…or body.  What’s the key to winning?  Endurance!  Struggling against a mind that wants to give up, lungs screaming for air, and legs so cramped you can’t even fully extend them.  Add to that heat, cold, rain, bugs, gravel and crashes, and you have a contest that can even drive even the sanest person crazy. Everything about the Tour de France says “I can’t do this anymore!”

Well, maybe you feel that way about your marriage.  You’re lonely in what’s supposed to be your most intimate relationship.  You don’t have anyone to talk to.  You feel the pain of betrayal and abandonment.  What do you do?  Start by remembering your wedding vows… “For richer or poorer, for better or worse…” Were those just words you said or did you mean them? But, “It hurts so badly, I just want to be happy” you say.  Yes, it does hurt, but the pain won’t just go away by you quitting the race like so many do. Instead, choose to stay the course. Decide to endure the pain of working through your hardships.  A study from the National Survey of Families and Households found that 80% of couples who are contemplating divorce but decide to work through the difficulties describe themselves as “happily married” five years later.  Marital endurance is worth it.

“But what if I want to work through it, but my spouse doesn’t?” you add.  You can’t make them stay in the race. But you can keep going on behalf of your marriage. At the end of the day, you can only control your actions. But by making changes in your life, you can positively influence your spouse to stay in the race and become the team you once were.

I really want to hear your story.  Are you struggling with this in your marriage?  How are you getting through it?

  • Allison

    My husband and I married very fast, we only dated a few months before we eloped. I was pregnant within the first few months. By the time our third anniversary came around we were lost as a couple and as individuals. By the very grace of God we made it with godly counsel, dedication and Christ’s amazing grace. He melted both of our hearts and highlighted the biblical description of marriage. I am only 30 and some might call me old fashion, God knows what he is doing. He didn’t give marriage advise off the cuff. Now we are finishing our 8th year of marriage. We are happier, we have two children now. We lean so much on God to provide our daily bread. Not money but, love peace and joy when frankly there is little to be found. Dedication is key. Divorce is NOT an option so we are now dedicated to making the best life together forever. It took awhile for my heart to be changed to understand NOT an option but now that it is engrained it is so easy to forgive the silly things. I just think when a battle is getting ready to storm; “Will this matter in a week?” The answer as you guess is typically no… This philosophy isn’t one sided God has empowered my man to step up to the plate over and over again. God Bless, and don’t worry You alone can’t However OUR GOD CAN!!!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Allison, thanks for the great input. I’m thrilled to hear how God is empowering you and your husband to continue building a strong marriage. Keep it up!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Allison, thanks for the great input. I’m thrilled to hear how God is empowering you and your husband to continue building a strong marriage. Keep it up!

  • Allison

    Thanks Mark, I think it is really hard for people in my generation to realize a strong, godly, happy marriage will not occur by accident. It will take a lot of effort, work and up keep. I constantly remind engaged and newlyweds that comment on my marriage, just how hard to work at it!! But great is the reward,,,,

  • Agr32

    I only stumbled on your website just over a week ago, and already it is proving to be a “Godsend” in the truest sense. On Christmas day 2007, after 17 years of marriage and four kids, I discovered that my wife had been carrying on a sexual relationship with a coworker for the previous 2 months. The shock of that betrayal and profound emotional pain was softened a tiny bit by her reassurances and seeming willingness to do whatever was needed to rebuild trust. She swore she could never do that to me again, that it was a terrible mistake she would never repeat. Unfortunately though that affair ended, within 4 months she was online actively seeking other sexual partners, exchanging nude photos with at least one online acquaintence, and when confronted admitted to having sex with an anonymous married man in a hotel and having dinner with yet another married man in town on business- this last encounter went no further only because I discovered her whereabouts and interrupted. Since then she has made a concerted effort to detach from me emotionally, sleeping in a separate room, saying she doesn’t love me, avoiding any unnecessary contact with me, and repeating her desire for a divorce whenever I do manage a brief moment of warmth. We just past our 20th anniversary last month, as if it were any other day. If there is a silver lining in all this (and there is) it is that I have grown dramatically over the past year especially, and am absolutely focused on doing what is good, without distraction. I remain committed to the good person I know my wife to be inside, despite it all. Your site perfectly reflects my belief in the importance of marriage and family and encourages me to be the best husband and father I can be, no matter how hopeless my situation may seem. In fact I am completely blown away by your words today on the value of endurance- what you describe is exactly what I am feeling, and it is good to know there are others who understand why I choose to endure rather than succumb. As I have told my wife, I am not in denial, I am in refusal. I refuse to take any part in the breakup of my marriage and family. I know that every hour, every minute even, is a new opportunity to get it right, no matter what went wrong 3 years ago, or 15 minutes ago. Anyway sorry to ramble – I keep most of this to myself, so this is something of a catharsis. Please keep the encouragement coming, and pray for my marriage and family. I can promise I will do the same for all those others out there in a similar situation.

  • PSJ

    Well, I have to say your insights on endurance are priceless.  I discovered my husband was having his 2nd affair, we are in the middle of BK, the condo is up for short sale because my husband also is under investigation at his work and will probably be fired when the investigation is complete.  (He won’t tell me any details of the investigation, just that he will likely be fired).  He has also announced he does not love me and we will not be getting back together.  He will no longer go to counseling or to church with me and our daughter.  I know my husband is broken inside.  The family counselor says he is a functioning narcissist.  Only God will be able to fix him, but he has to want God to fix him and my husband does not believe he has a problem.  I am moving along the best I know how.  Working to be financially independent so I can support me and my daughter and trying to give her a calm and stable home life.  I am unwilling to give up 50% of my time with her (we live in California) so for now we all live together.  I want him to be her daddy, not just a baby daddy.  I understand everyone has struggles and problems and I try not to dwell on what is lost, but to be grateful for what we have.  I pray a lot.  I take it day by day. 

  • Deb Perry06

    My 25th wedding anniversary will be 2 months from today. I can tell you, I know what it means to endure. It is not easy. I do it every day for GOD, not me. When I start to think about my life and whats going on around me, I cast down those imaginations and focus on God. My husband is a drug addict and I have been standing by him for a good part of all these years. He was in rehab for cocaine/crack 14 years ago. In between then and now he has been a prescription pill abuser /liar and here we are now back doing cocaine and crack.My husband is not the man I knew or married and has disappeared on me and my kids numerous times to do drugs. My kids are 19 and 21yrs.   Today he is surrendering to go into rehab again for 30 plus days. It has been an extremely lonely marriage for me. I struggle each day to hold onto hope and Gods promises Jer 29:11. I know GOd hates divorce I pray that I will see restoration someday in our marriage. This is the hardest time of my life right now and I hold onto Gods word each day to get me through.  Ive gotta say, in the past 6 months which has been the roughest, I have come into a new realm and relationship with my heavenly father. Endurance DOES produce strenghth in character. I know I will never be the same person and all this is just making me want to put all my focus and time on God. He is all that really matters..Our life and problems here are short and temporary compared to eternity with him. Stay strong………

  • Terri

    Since I know you personally I can say that You are an amazingly strong woman of God. God knew that you were the wife your husband would need to intercede for him. You have been a wonderful example to all of the ladies in the bible study that you lead and I am believing that God will restore your marriage in the name of Jesus