Posted on: May 5, 2011

10 Ways To “Affair Proof” Your Marriage

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Many people look at infidelity as an unforeseen natural disaster that no one saw on the radar screen; it just happened without warning. But the reality is that we can often see it coming and we can sometimes prevent it from happening as well.  Does “affair proof” mean that if you do these 10 things that it’s a 100 percent guarantee that you will never experience an affair?  Of course not. It means that you are doing some very important things that will significantly decrease the likelihood of an affair striking your marriage.

Authors Brett and Kate McKay provide some important points on affair proofing a marriage which I’ve used as a basis for the thoughts below. Here are 10 ways to affair proof your marriage.

1. Avoid temptation.

Several years ago, I made a trip to Orlando, Florida for a business meeting.  I arrived at my destination and the guy I was meeting with came out to my car to greet me. He noticed that one of my office team members drove up in a separate car and he said, “Oh, Jennifer must have another meeting today in Orlando, huh?” “No,” I replied, “I just don’t travel alone with a woman.” He seemed a bit surprised, but I think he understood my reasoning even though we spent a few more dollars in gas to get there in two cars.  I also avoid intimate conversations about my personal life with any women other than my wife, Susan.  Many an affair begins when people start talking about their personal pressures and problems with another person besides their spouse. They feel like the other person empathizes and understands them better.  This can then lead to a feeling of closeness, which, if left unchecked, can lead to an intimate emotional or physical relationship.

2. Date your spouse.

Establish a “date night” and treat this time as sacred by putting it “in ink” on your calendar.  Some people are able to do this every week.  Susan and I find that every other week seems to work better for our schedules.  Make your date something fun and interactive.  Have dinner at new restaurant, play tennis, go bowling, go dancing, take a walk or take a class together.

3. Stop the pornography.

Pornography destroys people and relationships.  Porn creates unrealistic and false expectations for your sexual relationship with your spouse.  It promotes the lie that relationships are all about getting, instead of giving. Another lie about pornography is that “I’ll do it one more time, then I’ll stop.”  But some is never enough, you always want more.  Pornography is like a drug, you always need more and more and something stronger and stronger for the high to continue. As a result, soft porn leads to hard porn.  And pornography often leads to an extramarital affair. So, what should you do? Start by bringing to light what has been hidden in darkness by sharing your struggles with your spouse, pastor or friend. Immediately flee from it and avoid pornography completely.  Put your computer in a very public place in your house or get rid of it for a season of time.  Never erase your computer history.  Allow your spouse to hold you accountable.

4. Be romantic.

It doesn’t take much to be romantic. A short love letter or email only takes a few minutes to write. Putting a post-it note on the mirror telling your spouse that you “can’t wait for your date tonight” can work wonders.  Flowers for women are always welcome, even if you picked them up from the grocery store on the way home. These small gestures show your spouse that you’ve thought of them and will help you reinforce your commitment to your partner.

5. Initiate affection.

Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your spouse. Give them a hug or surprise kiss and say how much you love them. Hold their hand when you’re out together.  Cuddle without making it a precursor to sex. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.

6. Have sex regularly.

Men sometimes stray because their wife is not interested in having an intimate sexual relationship.  It happens all too often, and it’s easy to understand why interest in sex wanes.  Exhaustion, busyness, emotional distance and many other things cause sexual encounters to wither. While those might be valid excuses, they must be dealt with to the extent possible so that the welcome mat of physical intimacy will be rolled out in your marriage.

7. Talk some and listen always.

Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your spouse. If you have children, find a few moments after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you’ve been thinking about lately. Share your dreams with them. And be sure to be a good listener by dropping what you are doing, making eye contact, and showing that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying.  The idea is to deepen the bond between you and your spouse. It’s harder to withdraw from your spouse when you’ve made such an emotional investment.

8. Share interests and recreation.

When you first started dating, you probably had everything in common. Well, at least you thought you did. So you would spend lots of time together doing things you both enjoyed. Then you got married and started working, having kids and dealing with the cares of this world. Pretty soon there were fewer things you did together.  So if you don’t have something you like to do together, talk about it and agree on one thing you’ll do as a couple.

9. Speak kind words.

After many years of marriage, I noticed that I wasn’t speaking kind words to my wife as much as I should.  It’s so easy to take the one we love for granted.  So, I went back to the basics. When I wake up in the morning, I say, “Good morning, honey.”  When I arrive home, I ask “How was your day?”  When we go to bed, I pray with her and say “I love you” every single night.  

10. Evaluate your vulnerabilities.

Sit down with your spouse and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Some people have jobs where they travel a lot. Being away from home in tempting environments can create challenges.  See #1 above.  Some have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don’t have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener or an affectionate person. There’s nothing wrong with that, but some people may take this attention the wrong way.

These are just 10 things you can do to “affair proof” your marriage.  I’m sure you can add a few to the list. Please do so by sharing your comments with me.

Newer Comments →
  • Meg Mehl

    Thank you so very much. I fear this has been heavy on my mind as my husband has recently lost his job to overseas. Stressful. I will write a note to him now telling him how much he is loved! Blessings to you and through you.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Good idea, Meg!

  • Pbmck

    You should have mentioned Facebook as an enormous temptation. My husband was contacted by an old high school friend/partyer and wanted to meet up with my husband especially since she, like us, was having marital ‘issues’. My husband told me he was prepared to meet her and ‘see where it went’ but I caught it before that happened by simply looking at his Facebook page. It’s way too easy to emotionally cheat online via instant messaging, Facebook, etc. let alone the phone. He was confiding in her while lying to me. Now it’s nearly impossible to take actions and precautions to prevent an affair!

  • Sue

    Please note that it isn’t always the woman who looses interest in sex-that is only the stereotype. Men’s libidos diminish or are distinguished for a variety of reasons- stress, depression, high blood pressure and the associated medications- just to name a few. I would love educators and therapists to be more aware to say, “One partner” instead of pointing to women. It is just as hard to be a woman whose spouse is not interested in sex.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    You make a good point, Sue…thanks for sharing.

  • Dude

    Don’t communicate with old or new flames on Facebook !

  • Rosebud

    I have to agree with the Facebook thing, adding that my husband and I have a ‘no ex’ rule on Facebook. We are not allowed to ‘friend’ or converse with exes we dated in the past. This falls in line with not having a personal conversation with members of the opposite gender – even those we call ‘friends’. My conversations stay on neutral ground always, talking about the kids, politics, and religious discussions. I also want to add that bragging about your spouse on FB is a good thing too: “Oh, my wonderful husband sent me flowers today!” or “Oh, he took me to *favorite restaurant* for dinner! He’s so sweet!”

  • Tee_matic

    An easy way to impove your odds of divorce from about 1 in 2 to 1 in 1000? Pray together! The gain in marital strength by praying together should also apply to reducing vulnerability to affairs.

  • Tee_matic

    I’ve heard research has found the number one indicator of a marriage at risk: inability to resolve conflict. Sure, an affair may precipitate a divorce, but the affair might be more of a symptom of another problem, similar to how anger is a symptom of an underlying issue. A potential addition to your list is to know the concerns of your spouse regarding your marriage, and heartily work on a solution!

  • Tara

    I think the facebook thing falls under avoid temptation #1 on the list.

    Also #6 is a good one. Even when you dont feel in the mood, schedule it. Then go thru with it. Put aside all other thoughts and really focus on your partner. Your mood and relationship will improve. But only if you dont treat it like another chore.

    My husband started an emotional affair that would have gone physical had the woman not stopped it. When I found out we had a long heart to heart. It started as she was leaning on him due to her own marital issues. But they decided to meet for a “date” after they talked about how both were not getting what they needed sexually from their marriages. Our sex life was almost non-existant after I got pregnant with my daughter. After having two premature babies, we were told not to have any more children. Then suprise we got pregnant with my daughter. I was told at my 12 week appt that I had to go on pelvic rest at 20 weeks. Then I was put on full bedrest at 6 months which I couldnt do anything. I had to stay in bed all day everyday. I could only get up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. So needlessly, his needs were not being met at all. After her birth, I was afraid to have sex because we were careful and got pregnant with her. I had scheduled my tubal so I didnt want to do anything until after the recovery period. At that point he was so frustrated that he had started leaning towards her. I wouldnt do anything remotely sexual during this time period because I was afraid we couldnt stop ourselves. It was right after my daughters birth when my husband started talking to this woman.

    I had heard a pastor say that the way to improve a marriage was to have sex every day. So I asked my husband if he wanted to, of course he was on board. So we tried the have sex everyday for a year (minus that time of the month, but for every day without we scheduled an extra session when we could) our relationship improved. I went from being too tired all the time for it, to looking forward to our daily addition. We have decreased again. It is hard to keep up the every day thing when you have 3 kids. But I have noticed are relationship always seems better when we are having sex regularly. Both of our moods seem to improve.

  • Tara

    I think the facebook thing falls under avoid temptation #1 on the list.

    Also #6 is a good one. Even when you dont feel in the mood, schedule it. Then go thru with it. Put aside all other thoughts and really focus on your partner. Your mood and relationship will improve. But only if you dont treat it like another chore.

    My husband started an emotional affair that would have gone physical had the woman not stopped it. When I found out we had a long heart to heart. It started as she was leaning on him due to her own marital issues. But they decided to meet for a “date” after they talked about how both were not getting what they needed sexually from their marriages. Our sex life was almost non-existant after I got pregnant with my daughter. After having two premature babies, we were told not to have any more children. Then suprise we got pregnant with my daughter. I was told at my 12 week appt that I had to go on pelvic rest at 20 weeks. Then I was put on full bedrest at 6 months which I couldnt do anything. I had to stay in bed all day everyday. I could only get up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. So needlessly, his needs were not being met at all. After her birth, I was afraid to have sex because we were careful and got pregnant with her. I had scheduled my tubal so I didnt want to do anything until after the recovery period. At that point he was so frustrated that he had started leaning towards her. I wouldnt do anything remotely sexual during this time period because I was afraid we couldnt stop ourselves. It was right after my daughters birth when my husband started talking to this woman.

    I had heard a pastor say that the way to improve a marriage was to have sex every day. So I asked my husband if he wanted to, of course he was on board. So we tried the have sex everyday for a year (minus that time of the month, but for every day without we scheduled an extra session when we could) our relationship improved. I went from being too tired all the time for it, to looking forward to our daily addition. We have decreased again. It is hard to keep up the every day thing when you have 3 kids. But I have noticed are relationship always seems better when we are having sex regularly. Both of our moods seem to improve.

  • Tara

    I think the facebook thing falls under avoid temptation #1 on the list.

    Also #6 is a good one. Even when you dont feel in the mood, schedule it. Then go thru with it. Put aside all other thoughts and really focus on your partner. Your mood and relationship will improve. But only if you dont treat it like another chore.

    My husband started an emotional affair that would have gone physical had the woman not stopped it. When I found out we had a long heart to heart. It started as she was leaning on him due to her own marital issues. But they decided to meet for a “date” after they talked about how both were not getting what they needed sexually from their marriages. Our sex life was almost non-existant after I got pregnant with my daughter. After having two premature babies, we were told not to have any more children. Then suprise we got pregnant with my daughter. I was told at my 12 week appt that I had to go on pelvic rest at 20 weeks. Then I was put on full bedrest at 6 months which I couldnt do anything. I had to stay in bed all day everyday. I could only get up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. So needlessly, his needs were not being met at all. After her birth, I was afraid to have sex because we were careful and got pregnant with her. I had scheduled my tubal so I didnt want to do anything until after the recovery period. At that point he was so frustrated that he had started leaning towards her. I wouldnt do anything remotely sexual during this time period because I was afraid we couldnt stop ourselves. It was right after my daughters birth when my husband started talking to this woman.

    I had heard a pastor say that the way to improve a marriage was to have sex every day. So I asked my husband if he wanted to, of course he was on board. So we tried the have sex everyday for a year (minus that time of the month, but for every day without we scheduled an extra session when we could) our relationship improved. I went from being too tired all the time for it, to looking forward to our daily addition. We have decreased again. It is hard to keep up the every day thing when you have 3 kids. But I have noticed are relationship always seems better when we are having sex regularly. Both of our moods seem to improve.

  • Tara

    I think the facebook thing falls under avoid temptation #1 on the list.

    Also #6 is a good one. Even when you dont feel in the mood, schedule it. Then go thru with it. Put aside all other thoughts and really focus on your partner. Your mood and relationship will improve. But only if you dont treat it like another chore.

    My husband started an emotional affair that would have gone physical had the woman not stopped it. When I found out we had a long heart to heart. It started as she was leaning on him due to her own marital issues. But they decided to meet for a “date” after they talked about how both were not getting what they needed sexually from their marriages. Our sex life was almost non-existant after I got pregnant with my daughter. After having two premature babies, we were told not to have any more children. Then suprise we got pregnant with my daughter. I was told at my 12 week appt that I had to go on pelvic rest at 20 weeks. Then I was put on full bedrest at 6 months which I couldnt do anything. I had to stay in bed all day everyday. I could only get up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. So needlessly, his needs were not being met at all. After her birth, I was afraid to have sex because we were careful and got pregnant with her. I had scheduled my tubal so I didnt want to do anything until after the recovery period. At that point he was so frustrated that he had started leaning towards her. I wouldnt do anything remotely sexual during this time period because I was afraid we couldnt stop ourselves. It was right after my daughters birth when my husband started talking to this woman.

    I had heard a pastor say that the way to improve a marriage was to have sex every day. So I asked my husband if he wanted to, of course he was on board. So we tried the have sex everyday for a year (minus that time of the month, but for every day without we scheduled an extra session when we could) our relationship improved. I went from being too tired all the time for it, to looking forward to our daily addition. We have decreased again. It is hard to keep up the every day thing when you have 3 kids. But I have noticed are relationship always seems better when we are having sex regularly. Both of our moods seem to improve.

  • Tara

    I think the facebook thing falls under avoid temptation #1 on the list.

    Also #6 is a good one. Even when you dont feel in the mood, schedule it. Then go thru with it. Put aside all other thoughts and really focus on your partner. Your mood and relationship will improve. But only if you dont treat it like another chore.

    My husband started an emotional affair that would have gone physical had the woman not stopped it. When I found out we had a long heart to heart. It started as she was leaning on him due to her own marital issues. But they decided to meet for a “date” after they talked about how both were not getting what they needed sexually from their marriages. Our sex life was almost non-existant after I got pregnant with my daughter. After having two premature babies, we were told not to have any more children. Then suprise we got pregnant with my daughter. I was told at my 12 week appt that I had to go on pelvic rest at 20 weeks. Then I was put on full bedrest at 6 months which I couldnt do anything. I had to stay in bed all day everyday. I could only get up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. So needlessly, his needs were not being met at all. After her birth, I was afraid to have sex because we were careful and got pregnant with her. I had scheduled my tubal so I didnt want to do anything until after the recovery period. At that point he was so frustrated that he had started leaning towards her. I wouldnt do anything remotely sexual during this time period because I was afraid we couldnt stop ourselves. It was right after my daughters birth when my husband started talking to this woman.

    I had heard a pastor say that the way to improve a marriage was to have sex every day. So I asked my husband if he wanted to, of course he was on board. So we tried the have sex everyday for a year (minus that time of the month, but for every day without we scheduled an extra session when we could) our relationship improved. I went from being too tired all the time for it, to looking forward to our daily addition. We have decreased again. It is hard to keep up the every day thing when you have 3 kids. But I have noticed are relationship always seems better when we are having sex regularly. Both of our moods seem to improve.

  • Kyb5

    on # 6: “because they’re wife” – should read “because their wife”

  • Kyb5

    on # 6: “because they’re wife” – should read “because their wife”

  • Ptmd

    This morning I was planning on asking a co-worker out to lunch since we have both been out of the office lately and haven’t had time to talk. We have developed what I would call a “connection”. She does the things I wish my wife would do: she encourages me, she builds me up and last but definitely not least, she listens to me. About mid-morning, before I sent my co-worker a text, a friend forwarded me this list. After reading it, it gave me the resolve to not go down that path. I know it is a slippery path, but it is very tempting. With good friends, God and help from things such as this list and your web site, they all help in fighting the temptation. Thank you!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Great input. Thanks for sharing!!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    The “no ex” rule is a great rule. I admire the way you and your husband are guarding your marriage. Keep it up!!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    So true…the couple that prays together stays together!

  • themom

    I have a Facebook account that I don’t use much, and my husband doesn’t have one at all. I am no on it much, and he says half-jokingly, that “its the devil.” We have seen too many couples have issues because of it, and I have had an ex look me up before. Great ideas… I will try them all…

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    You’re welcome. Keep fighting for your marriage each day.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Sounds great…have fun!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    I agree. Stay tuned for Monday’s blog post about extinguishing old flames.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Thanks for sharing, Tara. Keep fighting for your marriage!

  • anyone

    Start dating your wife again and NO talking about kids or problems. ONly dreams and the 101 great questions.. Call her during the day when you have the time. I have also been tempted and gone down that horrible slippery slope. Work on your marriage with weekend marriage workshops or other ways of talking intimately.

  • Dvolz01

    I so totally agree!! I’m tired of hearing it’s always us women!! my dear sweet kind and loving husband tells me it’s my fault we don’t have sex as often as he’d like. but I can tell yu he uses me as an excuse…. I initiate in many ways… he never complies….starts telling me I don’t have to??? nothing could be further from the truth….I am always at a loss both figuratively and sexually. if I didn’t know better I’d think there was another woman. I’m absolutely sure there is not…..I believe his lack of interest stems from an abusive parent and pornography before he became a committed Christian. we are on the 3rd of a 9 day vacation which we take often….still no sex!

  • mamamia

    this seems geared towards men-i didn’t see anything letting them know that helping around the house greatly increases their chance of having sex. while i would come home after a long day at work, i still had dinner, kids homework, baths, laundry, bedtime-generally another 4 hours of “work” to do, while he came home and watched the golf channel. do you think come bedtime i was in the mood? heck no, i was exhausted. and yes, i would ask for help and let him know that if i had more help around the house, i wouldn’t be so tired at bedtime. to no avail, but he was always angry at me for not wanting sex, and it was a huge issue in our marriage and led to his affair, which led to our divorce. so guys, give a hand around the house, on a regular basis, without being asked. see what happens.

  • Shaupt

    My 1st marriage ended in part to my husband pornography “addiction” for 7 of our 11 years together – I had no idea it was going on. I married again – a man who is a Christian. After marriage we are unable to resolve conflict (he deflects, calls me crazy, gives me the silent treatment), there is very little romance (I asked him why he stopped holding my hand and he told me he did not want me to get use to it)…we have had sex once over the last 1.5 years (Married for 4 yr – was physical for the 1st year regular). He does have chronic back pain…however he can work, he can play basketball for over an hour and hangout with friends, wash his car…his body works. I touch him, hug him and he pulls away is the initial response (unless I am giving him a back rub). I understand the back pain but I thought he would be interested in other ways to be close. From me he gets a back rubs every night and for me nothing (we do kiss good morning and night and say love you. I really do not know what to do. It is hard to be rejected even for a cuddle. I have talked to my Pastor about some of this…but really what do you do when your partner does not want to work at it with you? I have always been chased by men – I do not know what to do with a man who shows no interest…he just turned 40. I am older 45 but I am still young and physically fit. I told him how important this was to me – so serious that I was thinking about returning to my home state. All he could say was “do what you got to do”….the next morning it is routine like nothing was discussed and therefore no resolution for improving our lives together.

  • Deb

    These 10 points you listed Mark are great reminders to all married couples to help keep our marriages strong and healthy. Thank you!:)

  • Ptmd

    Thanks for the suggestions and the encouragement. I am new to this site and haven’t seen the 101 questions, but will look it up and am excited to see them. God Bless!

  • Ptmd

    Are there 101 great questions listed somewhere or were you just being figurative? I thought there might be a list to help spur and depend a conversation. I looked but couldn’t find the list. Tks!

  • Debbie

    I just found out my husband was having an affair a little over a week ago. We were having sex very regularly 3-4 times a week but we were emotionally disconnected. He turned to a childhood girlfriend that he had come in contact with on facebook to fulfill his emotional needs which lead to a sexual encounter. I had gotten to wrapped up in the life of at home wife, mom and running a household. I knew there was some emotional disconnect but I thought that as long as we were having sex I didn’t have to worry about him straying and we would eventually reconnect. I wish I had seem this article 3 or 4 months ago. I love my husband and he loves me so we are working it out with God’s grace and love.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Ptmd, you are courageous for standing strong against that temptation…stay the course!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Good point, mamamia…let’s pitch in guys!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    My honor, Deb.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Debbie, keep working, forgiving and praying.

  • Heatherbugg1120

    Great points made! My husband after almost 6 years was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. After being confronted, he admitted about fantasizing about her and having feelings for her. They were private messaging eachother on facebook, and sending texts back and forth. There was a rumor made up at work that they liked eachother, and then he put a lock on his phone, something he never has done before. This is when I became suspicious. He apologized, and told her that their behavior was innappropriate and that it has ended. However, he still works alone with this woman every night. Im so confused as to what I should do. I believe he is sincerly sorry, but is it innappropriate for them to continue to work together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  • Mudgirl

    I have been married going on 12 years. I have always took my vows sacriedly. Until recently, me and my husband went through a rough patch, where we both strayed away to other people. Mine started out on Myspace/FB (imagine that) connecting with an Old Flame, all the time I was talking to this person, I never imagine my husband doing the same with and Old Flame. However, I caught him, by a text on his phone that he forgot to erase. I was very upset, even though I was doing it. Which was so WRONG on so many levels. Even though I was upset, I didn’t over react because I knew I was doing it also. By the grace of GOD we have worked through our problems and actually gotten closer. I have not told him about what I done, and dont plan to because I don’t feel like its going to make things any better, I just tell him that everyone makes mistakes and we need to move on. I love him more now than i loved him 12 years ago.

  • Rachel

    I agree about bragging. Early in our marriage we received some council from a pastor urging us to never discuss any problems in our marriage with a member of the opposite sex because of the reasons Mr. Merrill named above with conversations. We decided to take it one step further and not discuss problems with anyone but each other, since it can sometimes lead to a ”bashing” session. Now if my friends ever start “husband bashing” I make it a point to SHAMELESSLY brag about my adorable man. Of course he’s not perfect, neither am I, but we decided we were perfect for each other and always talking up his good qualities helps me rememember why! 

  • Cogibear

    Information is key in the battle to hold are marriages together.  So the above article is so important in this day and age, I am thankful for it and I urge all of those reading this to share it and empower others who WILL face temptaion in their lives!   We are all surrounded now by temptation on a scale never seen before.  Porn is SO accessable, affairs are protrayed in the movies and TV shows as ‘The Norm’.  Reconnecting with old friends, old flames, old partners is all part of the new social internet phenomena and if its left unchecked can be used as a place of emotional attachment when problems arise in the home.  Communication in a marriage is absolutlely essential but I fear that most people are very bad at it and in a marriage when one communicates the other doesnt then problems will quickly manifest.  We need to reclaim good old fashion values, we need to stop sexualizing everything and stop allowing roles models to lead us and our kids astray (another issue for another blog).  We are battered and beaten down by false advertising and false promises about life and how easy it is to walk away from responsibilites!  The truth is that marriages need constant care and attention, we need to give ourselves and our marriages a regular health check to make sure all is OK.  Some great great advice in this article which is ignored by the reader to their peril. I believe in love, respect, tolerance, sanctity of marriage and honestly. Anything less in my marriage and problems will creep in when we arent looking!

  • http://www.purposeful-parenting.com Melanie Robbins

    Once again, a fabulous and helpful resource!  Thanks, Mark! 

  • Joyso2003

    I was exactly where you are 6 months ago!  Finally, I went even farther and almost attacked my husband one night.  It seems that that is what it took to make him feel like I was really interested!  It was embarrassing to me since I am a shy woman, but it definitely paid off and taught me a big lesson.  I figured out later when things got so much better between us (still are) that his sense of esteem was low since he’s getting older too, and he didn’t believe me when I told him I wanted to have sexual relations with him!

  • Tolubit

    That’s brave of you Joy. My hubby does the asking and initiation most of the time. It’s regular, before I even get to ask… there are a few long waits though maybe about a  week or two. I am actually shy to express myself sexually to my hubby. We’ve being married for 3 years. I have improved greatly but I can be better, I know. I’m working at it and God has being helping me to relax and enjoy this part of our union. I’m grateful that he is patient with me.

  • Madeleinef

    we have been married 38 years–for the first 15 years it wasokay but becoming dull/routine–then we went to a Marriage Encounter Weekend and learned how to share our hearts with each other, (every day!) how to settle conflicts (fight fair) how to forgive and love unconditionally, and how to invite God into our Marriage–praying together–every day!! without God, without prayer—-God’s grace is hard to get!!
    I am convinced that daily prayer keeps us on track in God’s plan!!

  • Doragill2011

    Also a woman may feel less interested if she feels shes not enough for you and that she may give and not get. Its not all about one partner work on eachother, talk and see what may need to change and do it .

  • D47brooks

    I believe he should pray earnestly and  look for employment elsewhere.  We can not trust our sinful flesh and we are no match for the enemy of our souls. A wise person flees from temptation and trouble. The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it?Your marriage should be valuable and precious to you, you are one flesh(husband and wife) and noone else should be involved in what God has joined together.I want to add that a person should begin to give  what they feel is missing in their relationship ex: love, honesty, respect, intimacy,kindness etc. Do not stand around and wait for it to fall out of the sky on top of your head/

  • lanac

    My Husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 year.  We have a child together.  We had a great relationship, sex was great and there was a lot of communication. We were very happy.  I found out seven week ago that he was cheating. He says doesn’t know why he did it.  SOME MEN JUST HAVE TO CHEAT.  He wants us to work on our marriage, I love him dearly but I don’t think I can make it work not even for my daughter.

  • Sara

     Yes, I have to agree, I got a little frustrated reading that statement, because I feel as though I am the man in our relationship as well.  My husband works a very strenuous and exhausting physical job sometimes 60 hours a week and just has no drive for it at all.  It is VERY hard to be a sexual and attractive woman and not be “wanted” by your husband.  Very hard to deal with.  I in fact, just emailed him this link, with a little note that maybe he should glance at it on his next break.  We talk about it all the time, but it always turns in to a fight, and he will say things like “I am sorry I can’t satisfy you!” or “I am sorry I don’t make you happy!” and thats not what I say at all!  SO glad to know I am not the only one.

  • wish I was more

    Ok – I’ve never posted on something like this before but…I love my husband an after 18 years of marriage -he’s still my best friend and there is no unfaithful issues of any kind.  However, there is always the “not of enough sex” issue with us and typically my fault.  In all honesty, I know I just don’t “need” it as much as he does but becuase of my love for him I really do try to be more aware of his needs and be with him more, but if I don’t really try, it can go at least 2 weeks between being together and sometimes longer if it’s that time of the month.  Because of this and a very old (before we were married) infidelity, I always fear he would find someone else to fill his needs if I don’t fix this.  I love him, am attracted to him and our lovemaking is great!  But, as someone mentioned above, by the time I’m done my regular full time job, then the mother/wife job at home, it’s late and I’m tired. By the time I get to bed, I tend to feel like it’s just another job that I need to do for someone to make them feel better when I really just want to be able to curl up with him next to me and read a book or watch TV together because I’m exhausted and tired of “doing” in general.  I’ve even mentioned (I know guys you will not like this) that if we could be quicker occasionally instead of a really long session, that we could probably be together more – but sometimes I’m just tired and don’t want to do any more.  Then there are the times that I try to initiate before it gets to late and by the time he gets around to it, I’m a little irritated and even more tired.  Ok, a little embarassed, but that’s it.  Any advice?

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