Posted on: March 30, 2011

Your Child’s Gifts

 

What are your child’s gifts or strengths? If you really want to find out, you have to be a student of your child. When you were a student in school, what did you do?  You paid attention to your teacher, you listened to them, you took notes so that when you were tested, you understood what they wanted from you. It’s the same way with your child.  To understand them, you’ve got to be their student. As a student of your child, watch, listen to and take mental notes of your child to determine their gifts.

As our children were growing up, Susan and I observed them. We noticed, at an early age, that our oldest daughter Megan had the uncanny ability to “read” and “size up” people very quickly. She is very good in relationships. We told her what we saw as her strengths and now, at the age of 21, she is interested in pursuing a human resources job when she graduates from college.  Emily is our creative one.  Acting, singing, painting and creative writing are all in her sweet spot. We affirmed it in her.  Now she’s a musical theatre major in college. Our other kids have special gifts that we validate in them as well.

Have you studied your child?  Do they know their gifts? Have you validated those gifts in them?

 

  • Sbastian

    I struggled early on with not playing favorites. Our oldest did everything early – walked at 6 months, started talking at 10 months, and by the time he was a year old he would watch a DVD or VHS tape and not only knew how to use each type of player but how to change the input on the TV based on which he was using.
    And then our daughter came along. At 5 months she rolled over. At 15 months she started walking. Every trip to the pediatrician brought a question from me of ‘Are you sure she’s progressing within normal limits?’ Our first baby had set the bar so high that the second seemed to have a defect because she was progressing ‘within normal range’.
    But as they got older and began to develop separate interests it became easier to see and acknowledge our daughter’s skills and achievements.
    At age 3 our oldest created his own profile on the computer. Without help or us knowing he was doing it. At age 3 our daughter would hold the mouse upside down for a minute then loose interest when we encouraged her to use the computer but would help me work on computer hardware for an hour, screwing in a hard drive, snapping in memory.
    At age 5 our oldest wrote a ‘screenplay’ complete with storyboard – he called them ‘the pictures of how I see the story in my head’.
    At age 5 our daughter came home from school with her hair tied up in a cute hairband that she had not gone to school with, and when asked about it she pulled it out and showed us it was her belt. Since then she has developed an adventurous fashion sense that really seems to work.
    So while the oldest is better than her at spelling and math, focusing on the things that only one of them does helps us to show that we love them both and are proud of both of them. It doesn’t keep him from telling her that he is better at spelling or her telling him that the dog likes her more, but at least they don’t hear it from us.

  • Ann

    At 47 I still struggle with this. As the oldest child who struggled in school and my brother did not. They chose to pay for his college tuition, and not mine. They thought he’d be the one to “succeed” in life. I struggled and paid for as much as I could on my own, not being able to finish with no financial help. I married and had two amazing children. He still isn’t married, and no children. He chose to live far away. I chose to live near them and give them the opportunity to know their grandchildren growing up. I’ve been there for them every single day, and he still will not give me any support in their aging years. They continue to praise him for “doing nothing”, he rarely calls, and he only comes home for a few holidays. They’ve shut the door on me, even though I’ve been there for every doctor visit, to every yard or house need of theirs in all these years. Still today, I feel rejected and the “bad child”. It has only been in the last year that I’ve felt the bitterness towards him. I pray everyday that these feelings would go away with God’s help. I don’t want to feel this way, but many situations keep me moving that way. Because I know personally how these feelings can carry throughout childhood into adulthood, I’ve tried my best to make sure my own children are praised in their own unique ways! One is very talented in athletics, and the other in the arts. God blessed them individually! I pray that one day my parents realize my talents and see value in their daughter also, and my pain eases.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Ann, I do hope your parents see your incredible value because of who you are, not for what you do. That’s wonderful to hear how you are encouraging your children!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Sbastian, so good to hear you are encouraging both your children and pointing out each of their gifts.

  • Mark

    It has been a true blessing to watch our girls develop their skills and interests on their own. Our 6 year old is very artistic, a wonderful dancer, great singing voice, draws well, she just has a gift for the arts. Our 4 year old is our pure athlete. She is a great swimmer, just picked up t-ball and is a natural, loves gymnastics, and is just non-stop.

    Having the two girls involved in such opposite activities provides a bit of a challenge for us, but we do what we can to help them fit in the activities they enjoy. It helps them to know we take a genuine interest in what they enjoy, and support them in their choices. I believe that knowledge will continue to strengthen our relationships as they grow older.

    When I was growing up, I was pressured by my father to succeed in areas he did not, and excel in areas he did. I resented many of the activities and “interests” I had placed on me, and was upset for the missed opportunities to develop in areas I had a true personal interest in. Please don’t try to “push” your children into your mold of what you want them to be or do. We were all given talents by Our Heavenly Father, and we should do what we can to embrace ours as well as nurture those of our children. Take an interest in what they do, and be supportive of them. You’ll both enjoy the experience more if you do.

  • Bethany

    I am the mother of four children I am currently learning how to praise each child for their own unique attributes However my four yr old Aaron who is almost 5 has no faith in his self to do anything he is often angry and withdrawn I read all of your emails and try to apply the advice accordingly I also receive Imom emails as well and they are quite helpful I am just concerned I dont want him to turn out bad and this all started about a month or so after I had our last child and he was scared of me being gone and cried the whole time I was away is there anything I can do to help him am I over reacting?

  • Kim Q.

    I have twins who have special needs. They are our 2nd and 3rd children. Having them has made me a better parent to my oldest. You see I do not yet know what my twins will become, but it is unlikely that they will be the “success” most people hope to see in their child. I learned when they were around 3 and just barely walking that I could either perpetually grieve what they could not do or I could celebrate whatever successes they had. By doing this with them I have learned to do this my oldest as well.

  • Mark

    I know life can be busy with 2 children, I can only imagine how much busier with 4. Our older daughter has experienced times of low self confidence as well. We tried to do as many activities as we could with her, and praised her for the person she is first, her accomplishments second. We started off just doing things between her and either my wife or me, and branched out from there. It took some time, and a lot of different activities, but she found her gift and has embraced it.

    Keep things positive for your son, but keep him to his commitments once he makes them. If the going gets a little tough, he may want to give up. It is important to try to work through that if it comes up. Get to the root of the issue, and see if you can work through it. Continue to build him up.

    One of the great tools I have found for building a child’s self esteem and self confidence is one of our activities in the All Pro Dad breakfast. We tell our children something we are proud of in them each month. I have found that is not enough, so we do it weekly. My daughters LOVE the attention I am paying to them, and it has given them more confidence in knowing I am interested in what they are doing.

    They are both willing to try things now that they were hesitant to before, because they know our love is not based on accomplishments, but on who they are. They are not as afraid to fail, but also know that once we make a commitment, they will see it through, even if the activity is not for them.

    Good luck and God Bless!

  • Susan

    I finally realized that praising a child for special gifts and talents can be as damaging as saying they are untalented because it is a weight they must continue to prove. Studies show that far better results come from praising the child’s efforts, which she has control over, than talent or ability which is she has NO control over. Saying, “You worked hard on this picture! Look how you worked on those trees and the grass,” produces far better results and self-confidence than, “What a beautiful picture!” I wish I’d known that before constantly praising my children’s natural abilities, because, as my adult daughter put it, “I don’t know how I got it; I could lose it just as easily.” But effort is something they can increase or decrease. :(