Posted on: March 29, 2011

3 Ways to Fight Conflict in Your Marriage

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Accepting conflict

When did marriage conflict start?  When did husbands and wives start pointing fingers and blaming each other?

When Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Who did she blame?  The Serpent.  Who did Adam blame?  Eve.

What causes marital conflict?  A root cause of marital conflict is our selfishness.  And it’s frustrating because it seems like a constant struggle that will always be there no matter how hard we try. Why?  Because we are battling against our nature.

So, don’t be surprised when conflict arises.  It’s going to happen. So the goal is to accept the fact that conflict will occur, and learn how to manage it.

Believe it or not, conflict can be beneficial. Conflict can bring you and your spouse into a deeper and more intimate marriage relationship. No pain, no gain applies to marriage as well.

Avoiding conflict

Here are three tools you can use to help you avoid conflict:

1. Expectation Identification. Think about one thing that causes you to experience disappointment or anger in your marriage. Usually, it can be traced back to your spouse failing to fulfill your expectations. How do we manage unfulfilled expectations?

2. Good Timing. Soon after my wife and I were married, we made a discovery.  It seemed like most of our arguments were at night, when we were tired and irritable from a long day. So here’s what we did about it.

3. Do Over. We’ve all seen it before.  We say something to our spouse and, in an instant; we can see their face starting to turn red with rage and their hair standing up on the back of their neck. So try the 5 Do-over Rules

 

Addressing conflict

When conflict cannot be avoided, it needs to be addressed. Addressing conflict can be one of the biggest challenges in marriage. When attempts at addressing conflict are unproductive or harsh, it can lead to resentment, discouragement and even bigger problems than you faced originally.

So how can you address conflict successfully in your marriage?  One way is to practice the R.E.S.T. method.

 

  • harris497

    Great article Mark. This will take practice but will be worth it in the end.

  • http://vanblogs.com Van Baird

    Mark,

    Of all the advice I got from my professors in Bible College, one of the best nuggets was on how to fight in a marriage. You’re post reminded me of the freedom I found in knowing that it was okay to have conflict in a relationship. It’s how you manage that conflict that helps to grow the marriage. As leaders that God has called us to be, men should take the lead in pursiung healhy conflict resolution. Every relationship needs a hero in the middle conflict, though. I would encourage wives to not be passive in encouraging healthy arguing if their husband isn’t stepping up to the plate.

    We have a couple that is very dear to us going through a seperation and the wife is just now finding her voice and her freedom in God’s tools for her. My prayer is that this post helps marriages before it gets to the point of seperation.

    Thanks for being a usable tool in God’s toolbox, Mark!
    Van

  • Clarence

    I agree this is a great article. Couples need to be able to look at the positives of conflict. If we are consistantly pusuing our spouse then when conflict arises it becomes a perfect opportunity learn more about them and to serve them. This is possible if we realize that the occurrence of conflict does not mean something is inherently wrong with our relationship. It simply means there is more work to do and there are more things to learn about our spouse that may even be a great source of unity and joy.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Thanks for your comments, Clarence.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Van Baird, you are so welcome…I just hope God uses it to changes lives!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    You’re welcome, Harris.

  • Yaya

    wow..we are in a courtship and we plan to get married this year, but we have an issue, my partner was married before and his ex wife does not show any appreciation since she knew about me, she does not want their children come over (they live with her) and i want to find out from you Mark, how do we handle this issue without arguing with my partner? because what he will say to me is, he doesn’t want to cause any drama as he knows that she will be difficult when we ask her to bring the kids over and this cause lot of arguments between us as i dont understand why would she not share the kids with us?..

  • Guest

    Mark, I noticed there were comments on each of those who posted a comment EXCEPT for Yaya.  I find myself in a similar situation and we can all learn something from this.  Any response regarding Yaya’s post is a post to someone out there as well.

    Thanks.