Posted on: March 25, 2011

3 Questions to Quench Marital Bitterness

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When Beethoven died, the cause of death was unknown.  Reportedly plagued with a variety of unpleasant symptoms, he was chronically irritable, depressed and often suffered from abdominal pain.  Some two hundred years later, chemical analysis of  hair clipped from Beethoven’s head the day after he died revealed the culprit—lead poisoning. The end did not come quickly. The lead killed him slowly and quietly—one little bit of poison at a time.

That’s exactly how bitterness destroys a marriage—one little bit of poison at a time. It accumulates in the soul and slowly, but surely, poisons the one who carries it. In order to have sweetness in your marriage, you first have to quench bitterness.  Here are three questions you need to ask.

What Causes Bitterness?

In every marriage, husbands and wives hurt each other. It’s usually not intentional, but it is inevitable.  Sometimes a spouse will continue to repeat a behavior that hurts the other, even after the behavior is confronted. Bitterness gets a foothold when you feed the hurt instead of granting forgiveness.

What’s Wrong With Bitterness?

Being around a bitter person is equally unpleasant.  A bitter person is easily identified by their sad or sorrowful countenance.  They are typically sarcastic and critical.  And bitterness has made them reluctant to trust others.  There are three things that are ultimately wrong with bitterness.

1. It discourages forgiveness. As I mentioned in my blog on giving forgiveness, you need to be able to let go of your list of offenses.  You can’t do that and be bitter at the same time.

2. It keeps the offender from changing their ways. Bitterness starts off as small offense that the bitter person doesn’t address with their spouse.  Each new offense feeds the bitterness and takes up a lot of room in the person’s mind and heart.  Cultivating the bitterness keeps you from airing your grievance to your spouse.  How can your spouse apologize for something they’re not aware they are doing?

3. It spreads. Once bitterness has taken hold, it tends to contaminate, at least in the eyes of the offended person, everything the other person says or does, even if it’s something good.  Bitterness spreads like a crack in a window.  It might look insignificant on the surface, but left alone it races forward, branching and splitting until the glass shatters into a million pieces.

How Can You Get Rid of Bitterness?

First, confess your bitterness to your spouse. One of the strongest holds of bitterness is the secrecy of it.  Once you voice your concerns, they can be addressed.

Second, forgive your spouse and ask for forgiveness in return.  Seek peace with your spouse and have the grace to forgive. You may not realize it, but you need to be forgiven as much as you need to forgive.

Third, identify all your hurts and address them with your spouse. Once you’ve finally decided to come clean about your bitterness, you want to get it all out.  Now isn’t the time to hold back, but be purposeful in seeking resolution, not just an opportunity to unleash.  Before talking to your spouse, let them know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start with the confession, and then talk about your hurts. Above all, speak the truth with love and you will be able to put conflict to R.E.S.T.

Fourth, remember that you can only change you. You cannot change your spouse.

Resolve to let bitterness go and embrace the sweetness that your marriage provides by meaningful, honest communication and love.

  • Name kept private

    Boy, this is a difficult one! I feel bitter lately toward my husband, over some issues that repeat themselves in our marriage. We have discussed them before, with no long-term resolution. I feel discouraged because it’s hard for me to maintain positive change for myself (I slip backwards and make the mistakes again). Meanwhile, I sometimes feel my husband isn’t changing at all.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QUNON6NY5E5IGZRELL4MEAKS5M Arturo

    You can only change you, is so true but having your partner to accept and understand that is difficult especially when they are a perfectionist and high expectations.

  • Midknightsky

    Dear private:
    Please keep on being transparent with your spouse and resist the temptation to cast blame. Continue to tell him: “I feel ___” when you do____” I know we have talked about _____ before and I am feeling bitterness again. This is a team problem, what can we do to fix the behavior? What can I do to help? What do you need from me?” You may have already said this very same thing, but keep on keepin’ on. Consider professional counseling to help break behavior patterns and motivate changes for the better.

    Blessings!

  • Mark Baumgart

    This is 100% true. Bitterness has ruined my marriage. I was the one secretly bitter for many years and did not confront it nor made it known to my wife until I left. If ANY of this applies to you, take steps to remedy it NOW. The road does not lead anywhere that you ultimately want to go.

  • guest

    “Being around a bitter person is equally unpleasant. A bitter person is easily identified by their sad or sorrowful countenance. They are typically sarcastic and critical. And bitterness has made them reluctant to trust others.”

    Wow—- these 4 sentences could easily describe my wife, especially the sarcastic & critical part. I am completely exhausted trying for 14 yrs to measure up; to DO enough to earn her appreciation and love…however, each time I think I’m about to reach that carrot, it gets moved out just a little further.

    I am just exhausted….hurt….lonely….and discouraged. I know MY GOD can …. I am willing, but as mentioned above, I can only change me…and I see no sign that she wants to change herself. So God, I have got to lean on you, not with my own understanding. Lord Jesus, please come and save our marriage…for our sake, our kids sake, but more importantly, for Your sake Father. I know you love us both and dont want this for either of us.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Thank you all for sharing and encouraging others.

  • Ricky

    “Speak the truth in love.”

    That’s such a meaningful phrase. There’s a lot implied in that. It’s easy to speak the truth, but it’s hard to do so with the right attitude. It’s easy to criticize behavior, and hard to merely discuss it. And then it’s hard to recognize bad behavior in yourself without criticizing yourself. But it must be done because at the end of the day, he/she is worth it.

  • http://profiles.google.com/david.delugas David DeLugas

    I am in the midst of a divorce and a very “bitter” custody battle and I have suspected something far more than was in our marriage contributed both to its demise and to the bitterness that I have been getting leading up to our separation! This article hits home! Perhaps look at it this way, if your spouse seems unresponsive to your concerns and you find yourself getting bitter about it all, ask yourself whether your bitterness contributes to healing, resolution and repair or does it actually contribute to the escalation of the discord? Each of us has a level of fragility in our egos, self-esteem and being that cause grave hurt even from a minor transgression (when viewed objectively). And, important, DO NOT LET YOUR WELL-INTENDED “supportive” friends and family to fan the flames of bitterness with their “understanding” and “oh my gosh, he did THAT!” What they say and what they think may in fact be different as they say things to be your friend and be supportive, when the truth is, they might be thinking, “what’s the big deal” or “making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Another thought, when your spouse does something that really “gets” to you, view him as an infant, who acts without malice or motive and see if the behavior alone still is nearly as irritating. I suspect you’ll find the behavior isn’t as bad as how you interpret the behavior as meaning something about his feelings, thoughts, or intentions toward you! Look at “projection” also as this is when something we might think or feel if we did or said what the other person did or said and we project it on that other person! Truth is, he might not feel or think what you are imagining or concluding or projecting he is! Thanks for listening and I hope you get something positive from this diatribe and advice!

  • Sarah

    i like what you said. please assure me leaving isnt the right move..but i did 4 wks ago and now im realizing how bitter i am………plz help..   my email sarslaughter@hotmail.com thank you mark

  • Bjornborg4tennis

    Trying to put up with her selfishness to try to have a stable home for our children. She is such a mean person. I knew that when I married her but it was kind of cute at the time. Then we stopped having any intimacy…after our second child. God clearly has an ironic sense of humor!!

  • Jratliff99@yahoo.com

    Life is to short to stay in a bad marriage. Divorce was the best thing that ever happened .
    Biggest regret is not getting divorced sooner.

  • Meighan Hanson

    my marriage was ruined by bitterness I helld toward my former husband who would never heed the, “I feel—-when you do or say—-.”  Sadly I took the long way to learn that Christ has to be my center for meeting my needs and for where i get my self worth.  Humans will always let us down, even if they try not to.  since I’ve allowed God to be the supreme in my life and accepted Christ’s love for me as the truest validation of who I am, I’ve been able to grant forgiveness to my former husband, to myself and many other relationships. 
    It’s strange that I, the one who was so badly hurt in these relationships, and who worked so hard to hold them together, I am the one who had to go back to these people and acknowledge what I DID that contributed the division in the relationship, to my own bitterness and sense of rejection from them. 
    I’ve since found that is the key to most healthy relationships.  If we put on humility and empathy, even when dealing with the most bitter people, and own/respect/honor whatever they bring to us as an offense they say we’ve done to them, it disarms them.   even after my divorce I went to my former husband and appologized for my part in the discord in our marriage.  I told him that I prayed for his happiness and prosperity every day. Living in a loving way (not doormat or pity) disfuses their anger and fear, and they are then forced to look at themselves and start asking questions about why they are unhappy when they are loved so much.

  • Guest

    I’m in a similar situation, but not married and don’t even live together.  Knowing what you know now, would you leave the relationship if you were me?

  • Jesuschristfanclub

    Where is God included in your four step formula?  God changes hearts, in our weakness he is made strong.  Sin is against God.  Yes, we need to ask our spouses for forgiveness and confess our sin to them, but more importantly we need to have a talk with God so that the intercessor can intercede.

  • Fivefieldsca

    So what do I do when the offenses have been addressed and my spouse denies he has even offended?  Where do you draw the line between forgiveness and enabling? I can forgive, and the next day the pattern is repeated, and the next, and the next. We have been married 25 years and every day we go through the same thing. 

  • Loser

     I consider the word “relationship” to be the most vulgar in the English language as it pertains to people. Betrayal, lies and all manner of abuse characterizes a relationship. I hate living as a fool and bitterness has become my constant companion. A woman can sleep with 100 men and look you in the eye and tell you its not about sex. Give me a prostitute any day.

  • Loser

     Speaking the “Truth” will lead you to hell. ANYTIME we need another to define us as people or for sexual reasons – we are lost. Needing another is a recipe for disaster.

  • Loser

     Marriage is a JOKE. I recall with great clarity getting my face rubbed in her recollections of sleeping this this one, that one and the other one. I stupidly did not run away. Now, i am in HELL on earth and even God cannot help me now.

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  • Sean Gannon3

    I ended our marriage due to the resentment and i would say bitterness in the end due to the avoidance of every issue that arose.  I tried to talk about the issues but was constantly dismissed and belittled in front of friends when we were out.  then my wifes family is a constant 24/7 issue who do nothing but rip each other apart.  i feel very sad as ending was the last thing i wanted to do but my health was becoming an issue.  my wife was also diagnosed with bi polar to compound the situation feel sad and lost a few weeks in but knew i had no choice.  as all of a sudden she was blaming this condition for everything and no matter what i did was never good enough.  confidence hit all time low but i know time will heal and help me move on slowly.

  • Siner saved by grace

    Thank you I really needed to hear this today, now if I can muster up the courage to bring this out in the open.

  • Addy

    Honestly, I am married for 6 years with a bitter person, my husband. That’s your personal decision, but if I were you, I would leave the person. It gets worse after marriage. I pray everyday to God to help our marriage.

  • Jon White

    Keep relying on God and loving, praying for, and forgiving your wife. Stay with her, regardless of her meanness toward you. Do communicate in love to her the pain and suffering you experience because of specific behavior she exhibits. Maybe look for a Christian/Catholic marriage counselor who will look to build up your marriage, not destroy it. Remember, Jesus sacrificed His life for His bride, the Church. We husbands are called to do the same, when necessary. FYI, I am in the 33rd year of a marriage similar to yours – God has given me the grace to deal with the situation: a peace beyond all understanding, and acceptance of all that life may hand me, knowing God will give me the ability to handle it somehow.

  • Almost Done

    Bitterness is indeed a crack in the window that spreads and shatters. The part of confronting the behavior puts the relationship on the clock. If you tell someone they are hurting you, and they continue to do so, then you can choose to be hurt or to be gone.

  • Rosa

    I’m still marriage and I have done what you did. I feel much better and I leave it up to God .