In today’s Family Minute we talked about communicating with our kids when they are hurting. If you’re like me, when you see your kids hurting – it hurts you. But even though it hurts we have to be there for our kids and be that rock that they can cling to in times of uncertainty and pain.

They are  tough subjects, but death and divorce are two things that are very hard for our kids to wrap their heads around.

How can we help our kids grieve?

Family author Sandra P. Aldrich provides the following guidelines on talking with your children about traumatic issues, such as death and divorce in her book, Encouragement for Busy Moms: “Honey Hang in There!”

Don’t Lie about the Situation. In an effort to protect their children from the truth, many parents soften the situation by creating explanations such as, “Grandma is on a long trip,” or “We took the dog to a farm.” But according to the author, “Not only are these lies, but they postpone having to tell the truth that the grandmother has died or the father has walked out.”

Know What Your Child Can Handle. While the author warns against lying to protect your children, she also cautions against revealing too much. Know what your children are capable of understanding and processing for their age and temperament. For example, if there was a divorce, children do not need to hear the details of any cases of adultery or other serious problems. But be willing to listen to your children’s questions. It will probably be hard for you to hear them, but responding with, “I don’t want to talk about it,” will only set up a wall between you and your child.

Let Your Children Express Their Feelings. Unfortunately many adults who have a difficult time coping with their own feelings of loss will suppress those painful emotions, and as a result encourage the same process in their children as well. Encourage your children to share their feelings and to express their emotions in a healthy way. This will not only help the healing process, but will help develop skills in dealing with stress and trauma in the future. Be sure to affirm your children by letting them express their emotions. Don’t belittle them for feelings such as anger or guilt, but let them know their feelings are normal.

Ask Your Children How They Are Doing. Don’t assume that because your child isn’t crying frequently or asking questions that they are handling things well. You never know what types of self-doubt or worries are going on in their minds. Be sure to ask your children if they have any questions or want to talk about their feelings.

Prepare for Guilt. Many children take on responsibility for the loss of a loved one. Whether through divorce or death, children may secretly blame themselves. Make sure your children know that the situation is not their fault.

Focus on Your Children. Many times a parent’s grief over the loss of a spouse or loved one causes them to withdrawal from others, including their children. But if you and your children have sustained a great loss, they will need you now more than ever for emotional support and guidance. If needed, seek the help of a friend or professional counselor to work through the grieving process. Call on friends and family to help with practical needs if you find yourself overwhelmed with daily tasks as a single parent.

In summary, Aldrich encourages parents by saying, “Talking with and listening to children during these times not only acknowledges their grief but also affirms their importance within the family.”

I would love to know your thoughts on this subject. Please feel free to comment below.

Until next time,

Mark