What about in Christian families where gender roles are not so pronounced? He does not lead, I do not submit, we walk together, and we reached this decision together, on how we want our marriage to be.

On a daily basis, we validate eachother, and let eachother know how happy we are to be together, how much we love being married to eachother, how much we appreciate and respect the things that we do for eachother, and how much we love and respect eachother’s strengths. They are not related to gender, they are not traditional, but where he shows weakness I show strength, and where I show weakness he shows strength. We actually compliment eachother perfectly, and waist no time letting the other know how we feel.

This works fine for Ephesians 5:22 marriages, but what of marriages where both love eachother in a special way that works for them, and don’t necessarily follow gender roles?

The tricky thing about a list for women is that the women want to know that there is a list for the men too. There are lists for men, and classes for men too. One of the things that really influenced me in my relationships (not just marriage) is this question: “What if you were 100% responsible for your relationship?”

Having a general check list for women does not mean that men don’t have responsibilities in the marriage, it just means here are suggestions of things that will build our partners in life; and who doesn’t want to feel built up in sincere and loving ways? One good leads to another.

Actually, you HAVE an Ephesians 5 marriage. You are equals in Christ. You have worked out the division of responsibility that works for you. Your husband entrusts certain things to you and vice versa. Ephesians submission has two parts. The wife agrees to allow her husband to make the final decision in areas of conflict. The husband agrees to make every decision based on the needs and desires of his wife. Both of these need to be in place for biblical marriage to work. Ephesians says nothing about gender roles, division of responsibilities, traditions. It says men have a huge responsibility to love their wives selflessly, and women need to let them. When it works as God intended, it’s easy. I trust my husband because he knows me better than anyone else and always has my back. And he trusts me so he never feels he has to make a decision alone. There is mutual respect. There is submission on the part of both spouses, because as believers we all are to submit to one another in love. Submission is not something forced on you — it’s active, not passive, a choice to cede to another. Part of his being such a good leader is that my husband knows his weaknesses and trusts me to handle the areas where I am stronger. The traditions we associate with the Ephesians verses are societal, not biblical. Read Proverbs 31 for a view of gender roles and you’ll be amazed at how different they are from what we typically think.

I am happy to see this discussion as I have struggled for quite a while in trying to determine how my husband can “be the head of house” when we are in reverse roles. I work and he stays home. My earnings potential was 3 x greater than his and we did not want our children in daycare. Also, we have a 12 yr old who is severely ADD and needs help at home after school and a structured home life. I still want to have traditional roles in parenting our children; however, it is very difficult at times in our Christian community because we don’t fit the typical model that is referenced for the man’s role in the family.

I liked all of the above suggestions, and think that my husband of almost 15 years probably likes to hear (and needs to hear) all of them (more often). The responsive comments above regarding gender, roles, and responsbilities kind of led us on tangents. The things you (MM) suggested that men like to hear probably apply to any of the above scenarios and are more universal than any of us realize.

Thank you, Rosie!!!

Submission means different things to different people, and to some people the concept does not exist, and yet their marriages are as strong as ever! I have a number of Christian relatives, ranging from the ultra-conservative (some of my step-kids), to the super-liberal (my hippie husband and I!) to those somewhere in the middle (my mother and step-dad) to other relatives who are not religious at all.

Ladies, we haven’t forgotten you! I’ll soon be posting 10 Things Wives want to hear from their Husbands!

Kevin, I think you are absolutely right!!!!!

The “gender” issues crop up, I find, when people out there state stating what is expected of people because of gender (Ephesians 5:22-33 for example). My husband’s and my take on that birth is “Christ so loved the church that he gave himself up for her, and as such, loved ones ought to do their best for those they love, sacrifice when necessary, and consider their loved ones, when making decisions.” There is absolutely NOTHING gendered in that statement.

Galatians 3:28

28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

And yes, my husband and I will both admit to feeling extremely defensive when we feel we are being told we need to perform certain acts, and take on certain responsibilities because of our genders. We understand that that works for some, but it doesn’t work for everyone, just as two ultra-liberal Christian feminist-thinking people’s idea of what works, might not work for everyone either.

I’ve often wondered why, if people are to become one, preachers still preach gender roles. Two truly compatible people will become one in their own unique ways, not always following tradition.

What you said about “us” makes total sense to me. However, in a relationship of equals, is there really room for a leader? Doesn’t leadership put one ahead of the other? When two horses pull a cart, do they not pull it equally? My husband and I think of it as us pulling a cart together (our marriage) that God is driving.

It will be coming soon! Maybe your husband wants to help with that one? Haha

Mark, this is awesome! We so appreciate what you do! We have a Facebook page where we do “The Respect Dare” to help wives figure out how to do their part of Ephesians 5 – respect their husbands. We’d love to invite your readers to join us there and walk with other wives just like them on the same journey!

Blessings,
Nina Roesner

I am going to go check that out!

Here’s one you missed, “Honey, I am going to start taking better care of myself. I want you to look at me like you used to.”

Mr. Merrill, “thank you” so much for the article, I can always appreciate a reminder. I have such a wonderful husband and for 26 years he has always been there for me…to support, encourage, and most important to Love me as God requires. We communicate well and have therefore enjoyed the fruits of marriage. As you state, it does not matter the role in a marriage as long as we work as a christian team, all the time working to do what we learn from reading the bible. The man is the head of the household…this is a fact! No matter how it may “rub people wrong” at times, it does not have to be a negative as it is from God…he will never mislead us.

A good Christ centered marriage is one that is 50-50. If one has to feel inferior or superior, something is definetely wrong. Both have to work everyday to achieve happiness even in a Christian household…

Thanks sweetheart for makign the supper. I really appreciate it. And it was DELICIOUS!
(My husband likes to create new meals…. and recently he did one that was simply amazing! even the kids loved it…!)

Really.. how many men out there read these blogs?

First, God is in control. Ask God to move your heart to be the wife He wants you to be, pray diligently for your husband regardless of what you receive in return. Abigail had a less than stellar husband yet her heart was always alert to serve. The blessings and “return” will come down from heaven for you and your household as you wait patiently upon the Lord to raise a godly leader for your home.

I feel it has to be 100 – 100. If I only gave 50% to my marriage, it would never last.

More than you might think. We all need encouragement and reminders from time to time. I’m looking forward to the list for what women want to hear from their husbands.

I mean, we all change physically as we age. There is no way at 32 and after 3 kids I am going to look like I did when I was at an anorexic age 18 (by that, I mean literally). In the same, my spouse has put on 50 pounds and his hair is protruding (like it says above). Strangely, we find each other more attractive today than way back then because we have grown together and love each other as a whole. My spouse would back me up on this one. He says it all the time.

I agree with “not about what you get back”. It shouldn’t be 50-50 – that would only mean we are only giving half of ourselves or half the effort. It should be 100-100. I’m definitely using this list for our good and can’t wait till the next list comes out. God bless and good luck!

Isabelle, that’s a great one for a good cook!

Perpinam, glad to hear it!

OK, so what happens when the wife is the one making the money husban is studying and doing the things he wants like scuba diving and speding more than I do………….I have paid off all of my credit cards and his keeps going up is over 3g and with one steady income we dont even have 3g on savings and its killing me that I can’t save money or even have a vacation……….

I think what you have to remember is that real love goes beyond feelings and beyond what you get back. Love has to do with doing what is right and beneficial for the one you say you love. I have learned from experience the blessing of showing love even when I say no sign of it being reciprocated. It will change your heart and allow you to consider things you would never have thought of in regard to building a strong marriage.