Posted on: November 4, 2010

Four C’s for Communicating with Your Teen

 

My wife, Susan, is really good at communicating with our four teenagers and twenty year old.  In fact, I often seek her advice on how I should handle various situations with our kids.

So I asked Susan to write about the four C’s for communicating with your teen.  Here is the wisdom she shares.

1. Check Your Emotions

When you approach a teen with a lot of emotion, such as anger, anxiety or enthusiasm, it can make a teen feel pressured to comply.  That approach doesn’t work because teens crave independence.  They see themselves as older and capable, and as a result they want to make more decisions for themselves.  Instead, try approaching calmly and be open to discussion.  This will take the pressure off the teen, and keep the conversation from escalating into opposition.

2. Be Confident

Teens can be very persuasive, and as their persuasive ability increases you may lose your confidence and begin to doubt yourself.  If your teen is persuasive and persistent, the confidence goes even more quickly as the teen wears you out!  Stand firm and know when you are weakening.  Enlist your spouse to pinch hit with you and interface with the teen for awhile.  Another option is to have a friend be a sounding board for your doubts and encourage you.

3. Be Clear

Make your request clear and have the details of the request firmly in your mind, or better yet, written out on paper.  All children know how best to win over, or distract, their parents.  Teens are children with a lot of years of experience.  Do not let them distract you with other issues, stick to the clear request you have outlined.

4. Be Concise

Teens are very cryptic; think text messaging.  Long, complicated speeches are exasperating to them, especially after listening to seven teachers for seven hours every school day.  Present your request calmly, confidently, clearly and concisely.  Do not make it a big deal.  Listen to your teen’s response, acknowledge what they say and then either modify your request or restate it again.  If they agree to your request, acknowledge it positively.  If they do not agree, do not engage; simply tell them you will discuss it with them again in a few days.  Then walk away and let them think about it.

I encourage you to visit our www.iMOM.com website for more advice and resources for mothers.

  • Lyn

    That’s very good and spot on!

  • Sandra

    This would have helped my perspective back when I raised a Teen! : ) Perhaps the “apologies” and change of attitude now that the teen is an adult are doing just as good or better?! It’s never too late to speak with these “four C’s” (even to adults).

  • Charlene M Ortiz

    This is something I struggle with daily. Thank you for this post. Being the mother of 4 teens and one 8 year old, you would think I’d have it down. NOPE!

  • mike

    This is something that I constantly sruggle with. As a VERY active father in my teen age girls life, I have often found myself yelling & screaming to get my point across about my daughter being a very respectable young lady. My wife & I did not allow her to officially date until a little over a year ago after she turned 16. She has been steady with the same boy since then, who seems to be a descent and respectible kid but he is still a boy. I was a boy once and I also raised a boy who is now a 21 year old young man, so it’s no great secret on what teen boys desire. The Big issue here is this. My daughter is a very successful pageant queen with a tremendous future in pageants and maybe modeling/ acting as well.My wife & I have dedicated a lot of time and $$$$$$ money to her participation. We have sacrificied tremendously for this to happen. It would completely crush me, if she through it all away for this boyfriend of hers, especially after all I have done thus far. I am afraid of him getting in the way of her dream. My daughter dreams of her success in the modeling / acting industry and I truly believe she has very strong potential to pursue it. I also struggle with my wife not being as strict with her, like her single mom was with her. I feel as if I am constantly the bad guy, and as a result I get angrier and yell & scream more. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not at all saying she should not have a boyfriend, in fact ,I like that she has really only had 1 boyfriend, rather than bouncing around like so many others I see. I am just concerned on the flip side that it doesn’t develop in to something too serious, too soon and interfere with her future plans. I have seen that happen with others.

  • Ronda

    why don’t you just have her wait for the right one and encourage her not to date but just be friends with boys. My sons and daughter are committed to doing that . We were involved in a ministry where there was no dating and though a foreign concept at the time I learned alot from just being friends with guys, in fact one of my group of guy friends became my husband and now have been married over 17 years, while many of my firends who did date the world’s way are now separated or divorced. My 14 y.o. son recently finished reading “I kissed dating good-bye” by Joshua Harris…it really changed the way he saw dating.

  • Susan

    I, for one, struggle with CONCISE. I tend to blather on, especially is I am #1, emotional. Thanks for the reminder!

    Also, just because you get off track on one of these items, doesn’t mean all is lost. I know I have a tendency to lecture when I get emotional. I usually realize I screwed up about ten minutes later. I go straight to my son and apologize — I let him know that I know my lecture was not helpful. I usually try to make a joke out of it, out of the fact that I’m not perfect. These two things: joking + admitting I’m not perfect often breaks the ice and allow us to really communicate and work through a situation.

  • Ladonna

    I have three children. My daughter is 20 year old now, my son is 14 and my youngest daughter is 10. I learned my oldest child has to learn from her own life experiences. Advice goes in one ear and than later appears with an understand months down the road. As a teen, she and I yelled and screamed at each other causing much uproar in the family. My best friend gave me the best advice. This touches on much of the C’s. I followed her advice. If my daughter wanted something I would listen with out making a split decision ( this was hard at first) and tell her that I would discuss the request with her father. After my husband and I discuss the issue her father and I would deliver the decision. This process made my husband and I a united front on our decisions and emotions where taken out of the equation. It was the best thing we did. It eliminated the yelling. She got her request considered and as parents the decision was made jointly. I continue to use this process with the younger children.

  • Laya Saul

    Mike, you sound like such a thoughtful and caring father and a great team player with your wife. Here’s my advice for you: 1) Don’t yell. I have read many books on parenting (have two teens of my own). They all say the same thing: when you maintain you cool even when your are at your maddest, those are your shining moments as a parent. It may be the hardest thing to do, but by far the best (I’m still working on this one too). 2) Entertainment is not all that. Having worked in the entertainment industry, I will tell you that while the money can be good, and the people are so creative, there can be some very unwholesome, negative aspects and influences as well. That said, your investment is in your daughter and when you invest like that, know that she is learning life lessons that will really carry her along. If she pursues this direction great, if she chooses to become a wife and mother first, there’s nothing greater (IMHO). Either way, you win. Blessings for all revealed good!

  • Laya Saul

    Great post and I really appreciate all the comments. I’m in the middle of raising up my two teens and can sure use all the support and encouragement.

  • D.

    I have a 12 1/2 year old daughter and we are both strong headed and willed. Thank you for the article on the “Four C’s”. I will be reminding myself of these as I continue to raise her as a strong, responsible, respectible, loving, sensible young lady.
    In addition… This will apply to my almost 9 year old son. :-)

  • joe

    Thanks so much for the post Susan and comments Laya. As a dad of two teens 14 and 16 who are swimmers. I tend to get in long lengthy discussions to make my point and yes Yell to make my point. It hasn’t helped as Susan and Laya pointed out. My most recent shining moment was when my newly driving 16 year old got a speeding ticket after I had been telling her to slow down. I didn’t yell but told her she would use her money earned during the summer to pay the ticket in traffic court. She agonized over the next few weeks about a license suspension and how much the judge would make her pay. On the day before traffic court got her own money, paid 143 dollar ticket but no suspension. But she now understands the consequences and I didn’t punish her at all. Its hard but like Mike and Laya if I don’t yell its more productive, still working on it but that was my epiphany. Really didn’t understand why until now. I also tend to blather on with lectures will work on that too. Didn’t realize the impact of that. Thank you Susan for the 4 C’s and everyone else for sharing

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Raya and Ronda, good thoughts for Mike. Thanks for chiming in! I really appreciate input from folks like you!

  • Trina Hoelscher

    This all sounds great and I know it is the right thing to do. But, when your 12 year old son is disrespectful to all his family (The teachers think he is amazing) Very smart kid with lots of potential but does not go the extra mile to want to do better. Argues constantly and yes I inevitable end up yelling. Seems like the only thing that gets his attention. I don’t want to I read these blogs daily to try and be a better mom and it seems like I can’t remember a thing I read when it comes down to using it. Still working on it…………………thanks.

  • http://classicbreakups.com Should I Breakup

    Seriously thanks for the relationship advice, it was a huge help!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Trina, we all make mistakes on our life journey. Don’t give up! Keep persevering!

  • Matt

    Thanks Susan – AWESOME advice. Teens are very forgiving when you own up to being unreasonable and emotional! :)

  • Keymom5

    Perhaps she is just trying to please you. If she is the one commited to pageants and modeling, let her work to contribute to the expense. I have seen several parents who paid a fortune for gymnastics or cheerleading or other sports and then their teens decide to pursue something different. If the Lord has modeling/acting in her future, He will open the doors of opportunity without you going into debt over it.

  • Cynthia

    what do you do when there is only one parent in the home and no one to discuss it with?

  • Gdub

    Remember, you’re not alone. The Holy Spirit is your best counsellor…take it to Him in prayer.

    And don’t be afraid to lean on your church family. God wants good things for you and your family…He’ll put people in your life to fill these voids. Even though my wife and I don’t have the challenges of single parenting we still found it invaluable to have a friendship with another Godly couple who’s three sons are a few years older than our boys. Their experience and encouragement is truly a blessing! 

  • Tinsley316

    A furture in pageants? Lots of money invested? Really? Sounds like its you who needs the help.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3HRBOMBYJ4KXBIBXU2QSBC47RU Heather

    I once was a teenager, much like your daughter. I also had very persistent parents, especially my mom, that I stay on the path they thought I was supposed to take. Really though, cheerleading and parading around for all eyes to see lost it’s appeal before it really even started. Sure I knew I was attractive on the outside, but that was just it. I wanted to be loved for who I was on the inside, and accepted, but I didn’t feel that I was. I felt more like an object for my mom and for any eyes that I came across staring at me or picking me apart. All this led to sexual abuse even, because I felt like who I was on the inside didn’t matter and couldn’t speak up. I started to believe my purpose in life was to entertain other’s eyes, and so I tried to. Eventually though, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I married my high school boyfriend I had since I was 14 as soon as I hit 18, threw away an honors diploma to graduate mid-term to do so. I needed out of the pressure. Because I had poor examples of what LOVE and ACCEPTANCE were, as well as what discipline from love looked like, I married a man much like my mom and the pattern in my life just continued on. I’ll stop short in that part of the story, since I am still married to that same man 15 years later and he and I have both changed through God’s gentle grace and a little Indian Christian counselor, but you may not see all that your daughter wants you to see if you aren’t looking past the surface. It’s not about money, futures, plans, etc, right now. To her inside, I guarantee she just wants to be loved and accepted without having to please, when she’s at her worst, to feel support at home. She will rebel if she doesn’t get that at home and attempt to find it elsewhere. I can promise you that. I left most of my story out, but it got ugly in very many places. Just some thoughts to consider.