5 Things Men Must Know about Women

What_Men_Must_Know

There are 5 things that men must know about women. Women desire to “feel” these things, not just know them logically.  In her book, For Men Only, author Shaunti Feldhahn goes into great depth addressing these five, and a few others men need to know.

Men must know that:

1.    Women want to feel loved.  Many women feel insecure about our love for them.  There are two things we men can do about it.  First, reassure her.  In times of conflict with our wives, we should tell them we love them no matter what and that everything will be okay—“I love you.  We’ll get through this.” When she’s upset, she doesn’t need space,” she needs a hug and to be held.  Second, pursue her.  Women need to be pursued throughout the relationship, just as we pursued them before we got married.

2.    Women want to feel understood.  Women need us to understand how they think and feel, even though that is virtually impossible.  It would help us to understand that most women’s thought lives are like computers, with multiple windows open and processing all at once.  Unlike men who can only process one thing at a time, women are constantly juggling multiple thoughts and emotions all at the same time. On more than one occasion, I’ve watch my wife, daughters and their friends having a conversation where three of them were talking at once about three different things.  And guess what, they all understood each other! So, hopefully, if we can generally understand how women think, we might be better able to understand how they feel.

3.    Women want to feel emotionally secure.  Women want security.   Yes, financial security is important, but it comes second to emotional security.  Women do think about the house, bills and tuition, but feeling emotionally connected and close to us; and knowing we are there for her, no matter what, is what really matters.

4.    Women want to feel listened to.  Men, she doesn’t want us to fix it, she just wants us to listen.  She doesn’t want or need our solution to the problem, even if she asked for our opinion.  She does want us to understand how she’s feeling about the problem and identify with her in that feeling—“Thanks for sharing that with me.” or “I’m so sorry that happened.” might be good words to consider saying to her.

5.    Women want to feel beautiful.  She needs to know, deep within, that we find her beautiful and that we only have eyes for her.  She doesn’t just want to know, “Am I beautiful?” but, “Am I beautiful to him?”  There may be many mirrors in your home, but the mirror that means most to your wife is you.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • guest

    a wife also wants #5 – to feel beautiful not just for sex…..

  • http://twitter.com/epicparent epicparent.tv

    love this post Mark!

  • Debiwilliams38

    Mark, no matter if all 5 of those are being fulfilled but the man is always looking at, making comments about, or flirting with other women, not one of those things will matter because it feels like they are all just smoke and mirrors. My husband does all those things above, but also is constantly looking at, and making comments about other women and how beautiful they are or whatever plus other shady behaviors. Grrrrr. I’m lost in my marriage right now.

  • Perpinam

    Thank you for this, Mark. Can you tackle forgiveness and being able to trust again for future blogs? Please? I have extreme trouble in these two areas. Thanks! :-)

  • Ajoyr57

    You can’t have two heads. That would be a freak! Someone has to say the Yes or No (The man is the head!!)

  • Kyderbie1

    Very well stated..

  • Wbphoenix

    1. Women want to feel loved. I TOTALLY AGREE & THIS STARTS AT SUCH A YOUNG YOUNG AGE.
    2. Women want to feel understood – THIS IS THE HARDEST FOR MEN TO COMPREHEND. THAT VENUS/MARS THING IS ALWAYS AT PLAY.
    3. Women want to feel emotionally secure. IT STANDS TO REASON AS THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THIS STATE…
    4. Women want to feel listened to. IT’S THAT PLACE BETWEEN OUR CONSCIENCE STATE AND TOTAL WHITE NOISE
    5. Women want to feel beautiful. YES WE SEE THIS MORE READILY THAN WE GET CREDIT FOR.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Debiwilliams38, I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m just finished writing a blog on the very topic you are addressing that you can share with your husband. I’ll be posting it soon. So keep watching.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Perpinam, I’ve made several blog posts on forgiveness and trust. Just do a search at the top of this page. If you can’t find them, just let us know.

  • Roger

    Mark,
    I agree and appreciate this advises but I have a question. How come I never see any article that shows what we as men need from our wives. I’ve read a many of similar articles like this one and I agree and try to put them into practice but it seems to me that these articles show that men are the only ones who need to pay attention to our marriage, but what about the opposite? What about an article about what husbands want?

    Thanks,

    Roger

  • Mcgrannum

    I absolutely agree with and practice all of those important relational foundations. I think the key to maintaining a solid foundation is a humble women who can receive that kind of support, and acknowledge that it is all for her but it shouldn’t be all about her. Please don’t comment… that if you do those things you will get them in return. That statement is give and get, true giving is at the expense of yourself. Selfish is what we have to discern.

  • old guest

    when all else fails n you don’t have the emotional strength to re-start a fire that has long been out, pray to The Lord n you’ll be amaze how he can n does restores what we do NOT think is possible…

  • RP

    so true about us, really loved readin it.!! 

  • Fullergirl

    Ajoyr57 -  Exactly. So, if the wife has a husband as her head, and Christ as another head, that would make her a freak!

  • Fullergirl

    No one is righteous enough to stand judgment in our place. A husband cannot and will not atone for us on judgment day. We have to face our maker alone. Nowhere does it say in the scriptures that we will be standing side by side with our spouses as we face judgment for our sins. We are both equally accountable for our own actions and thoughts. Only Christ is righteous enough to stand judgment for us, and this is why Christ, and only Christ, atoned for us on the cross. You can disagree with me, but I tell you that ever since I understood this concept in seminary – that I was an equal partner with my husband in marriage – our marriage improved by leaps and bounds. Very good fruit came of it. I think all these articles speak to the equal strength and weaknesses of both partners and the importance of cooperation and understanding, not the dominance of one sex over another, which produces bad fruit all the way around. God bless.

  • Caroline

    I really have to agree with this! I think it is very true also if we decide to allow pornography or drunkenness into our homes. Even if it isn’t OUR sin, we should not have to live under those circumstances. I say this as a woman who decided to stand against drunkenness and would not allow hard-liquor into my home any longer. I really feel like that was the RIGHT decision to make, even though I am not the “head” of the household.

  • drrichardnorris

    Hi Mark!

    Glad I found your blog.

    Great insight into how to be present with your wife. Being there is so crucial and pays huge dividends. So for all of guy we need to now go out there and “be”. Hey! We may actually gain some brownie points!

    Be Awesome!
    Richard

  • Lindab_simsons

    I take issue with the concept that someone brought up in these comments: that the man is the head.  No, from a true Biblical perspective, Christ is the head.  There is no male or female in Christ– the Bible says this clearly.  If our marriage is “in Christ” then there is no other head but Him. Picture the man and woman as the bottom two points of a triangle.   At the top of the triangle is Christ.  As we both get closer to Him as our “head” then we get closer to each other and we are both mutually submissive to Christ and each other. 

    Adam was both male and female before God took “her” out of him, therefore, we, as a couple are together in the image of God, together made in the image of God. We both need each other equally, and rely on each other to fulfill certain roles — whatever it is that we come together in unity and recognize. I will be stronger emotionally than my husband at some times and he will need me to take the lead, and he will be stronger than I at other times or in other things and will take the lead.  This does not change the fact that we are different and should be mutually submissive to one another as we recognize our unique differences, and roles in the relationship.  And when one of us takes the lead in something, the lead becomes the biggest servant.  No where in the Bible do you find the concept that someone with power and authority is not responsible for being the biggest servant.

     If we are mutually submissive, we will have the best marriages.  This article was insightful with regard to our differences and excellently done.  There are nuances to everything, but this article spoke of things that are generally true.  It is great for each gender to work toward an understanding of the needs and workings of the other so that we are one with each other.  Unity is what makes us strong.  Christ was the most powerful man to walk the earth.  What did he do with it?  He washed the feet of scalawags, and cried when his friends could not pray with Him.  He took all his power and used it to serve those who didn’t deserve it.  He gave His very life. The concept of headship from our worldly and cultural perspective is just wrong.  In every situation where I’ve seen the man assert himself over his wife, he has not been a servant, but controlling.  When the woman puts her man over her, she becomes less accountable for her own behaviors that may be wrong and more able to put things off on her husband.  She becomes less a servant, and less capable in Christ.  Just something to munch on. 

  • Gary Graves

    Men and women have equal status under God, but we have different roles, as defined in God’s Word. Men are the head of the household and women are told to submit to their husbands. Women are created as helpers and men are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave up His life for her. Both are also told to submit to each other. The key to both roles is selflessness. Ideally, if both spouses put the other ahead of their own needs there will not be conflict. But sin always enters the picture and that’s where we need to refocus on God’s roles for men and women and the selflessness He calls for. Neither role is superior to the other and all must face God on judgement day to face their own sin – and all sin must be accounted for, that’s where Christ’s grace comes in. Because Christ finished it for us on the cross, He uses the faith He planted in our hearts to pour out grace on us – Christ took our sin and gave us His perfection – and God does not see that sin. So we are able to live with God for eternity in His heaven. 

  • Gary Graves

    Yet, that’s not what God’s Word says…it says God made man, then took a rib and made woman. He didn’t take the woman (as in the feminine characteristics) out of the man. He made two distinctive beings, both in the image of God.  Men and women have equal status under God, but we have different roles, as defined in God’s Word. Men are the head of the household and women are told to submit to their husbands. Women are created as helpers and men are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave up His life for her. Both are also told to submit to each other. The key to both roles is selflessness. Ideally, if both spouses put the other ahead of their own needs there will not be conflict. But sin always enters the picture and that’s where we need to refocus on God’s roles for men and women and the selflessness He calls for. Neither role is superior to the other and all must face God on judgement day to face their own sin – and all sin must be accounted for, that’s where Christ’s grace comes in. Because Christ finished it for us on the cross, He uses the faith He planted in our hearts to pour out grace on us – Christ took our sin and gave us His perfection – and God does not see that sin. So we are able to live with God for eternity in His heaven. 

  • paulppg

    I really want to be my wife’s team mate. I try to keep the spark alive. However after pursuing their is rejection. Rejection for weeks that turn into months then years. I find a bill for a credit card I did not know we had. I don’t care she has another credit card, I care that I’m responsible for $1800 I did not about.
    I do love my wife. I made a promise for better or worse and death do us part. I feel like I am the only in this marriage.