Posted on: September 2, 2010

10 Strategies to Restore an Ailing Marriage

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Many good marriages slip into crisis because we don’t, or won’t, believe how much work it takes to keep relationships humming at optimal levels. Another reason is a simple failure in imagination.

But if marriage requires commitment, hard work and imagination, then why does it surprise us when neglect hurts relationships?

Here are 10 strategies to restore an ailing marriage.

1. Get back to the fundamentals. Show basic kindness to your spouse just like you would to a friend. When your spouse calls, maybe it’s a “Hi! How is your day going?” or, when you wake up in the morning, greet your spouse with “Good morning, how are you feeling today?”

2. Stop taking one another for granted. Say “thank you” for that cup of coffee. Celebrate anniversaries. Tell her how much it means to you that she cooks a great meal – or vice versa. Notice the haircut. Ask him out. Clean her car. Pay attention to the little things and act like someone who values the relationship.

3. Put your spouse’s interest ahead of your own. Putting our spouse first nurtures trust, gratitude, generosity and affection.

4. Put the relationship ahead of everything, including your children. It’s unfortunate, but time has a way of eating away at our priorities. “You’re the most important thing in my life” gives way to “My work… the family business…the children… my aging parents… even golf, football or drinking…” Marriages don’t work well when our partner plays second fiddle to anything – even the children. It’s a fact – the happiest kids are those with parents who love one-another best.

5. Start over from scratch. Make sure you remember the early years and build from there. When did you last talk for hours or hold hands at a movie? Get silly about one-another. If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway, then you’ll remember why.

6. Choose to love. Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Choosing to love is an act of maturity.

7. Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships. Sometimes, negative patterns in marriage involve friends. Spend time with couples who value marriage.

8. Change the patterns. Do you always come home angry? Choose to leave that attitude behind before you walk in the door. Do you always fight about discipline? Sit down with each other before you disciple and agree on a course of action. Then, support each other 100% – you may find the kids act better because you’re not fighting.

9. Get counseling. You say you can’t afford it? Well, it’s worth it.  Most counseling simply involves a few sessions to get the communication flowing again. For guys, a willingness to talk in that context sends a huge positive message to your spouse. But please note: make sure you do everything you can to identify a good counselor. There are good and bad in any profession. Maybe start with your pastor or priest.

10. Follow the counseling with an action plan. Just like a personal fitness program, counseling comes with homework and an action plan. Draw up the plan, ask friends you trust to help hold you accountable, and then follow through.

  • Sharonmunoz2003

    thank you for this blog. It is so true. this is my second marriage and I think now my family is first. I did forgot to pray, now, it is the first thing I do no matter what.

  • Bdadeb

    You hear people say “I don’t love you any more” or “I never loved you”……When they should be saying “I choose not to love you any more” …….because as you say it is a choice and I believe that with all my heart…..!!

  • http://www.purposeful-parenting.com Melanie

    These are wonderful strategies to implement in a marriage. Looking forward to sharing these as well with the Marriage Small Group.

  • Jenifer

    I think that most, if not all, of these can be used for couples in a serious dating relationship. It could help them make it easier to move into a marriage, if they used these early on. I just told my son the other day that love is a choice, and it is sometimes a choice you have to make more than once a day! I am going to share this with him and hopefully it will help him in his current relationship.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Jenifer, so true. Many of these tips can be used in other relationships as well.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Thanks for sharing with your marriage group…please let me know what they think.

  • Shane

    I am recently divorced (Feb. 2010) and I am already engaged. My fiance is freshly divorced as well (Aug. 2010). She was separated for four years. She has a 9yo son and I have a 5yo daughter. We started dating Nov.1st, 2009 and everyday is incredible. The biggest reason we have evolved to where we are in our relationship is COMMUNICATION. The rest is what has been mentioned here. I could not agree more with what has been written.

    Although we say our children come first, I think we actually put ourselves first. If we are not happy, then our children will not be happy.

    I finally know how to love, and know what it’s like to be loved in return. There really is no better feeling.

  • James

    I love you work Mark. I use and refer it often. I think tip 4 is my favorite, men need to put their wives first and women need to put their husbands first! Even over the children. Shane is correct, a lot marriage break down due to the lack of communication. I also like the tip about getting away from negative influences. I have friend whos wifes mother is toxic and was poisoning their relationship. The wife reevalated her relationship with her mother and set boundaries and now the husband and wife are doing better. They are still in counseling and I think they are going to make it.

  • James

    Wow, I need to edit some of that LOL. I still think most will get the message of what I am saying. Thanks again.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Shane, thanks for sharing. Learning to love is one of the most important things we can do.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Shane, making our spouses a top priority is so important!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    You are so welcome, Sharon.

  • Ellarice

    Mark, I love what you do for families and to al those who commented, I agree with it all.. Mark keep up the good work, thanks.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    You are so welcome, Ellarice!

  • Cosmas

    Thanks for that encouraging talk!I am 24years and my dream is to have a great family and these has always been my line of thinking, I really apreciate your wisdom, because it confirms what God is teaching me. I am in relationship now & I will surely put it in practice since I do not intend to commit soon but will surely keep holding on God’s precepts in my relationship.Thanks!

  • http://www.purposeful-parenting.com Melanie Robbins

    I will! :) Thank YOU for caring so much and responding to people’s comments. You, your wife and your ministry are a blessing!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Cosmas, I’m so pleased that you are already preparing to be a wife and parent. Please let us know how I can further serve you.

  • Linda

    All of these strategies are SO important. My husband and I have used them all at one time or another and they do make a difference. It helps me to be reminded of these things on a regular basis as it is easy to slip into destructive patterns of behavior. By God’s grace and both of us taking the time to step back and be reminded of such things, I am happily married for 24 years.

  • Louis

    Hey Mark, go to your August 27th “She Capitvating” post. There’s a question there that I would like to have answered.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Linda, congrats on 24 years of marriage!

  • Amyt1232003

    It’s so easy for me to take my husband for granted. He is a “doer” and I’m the “laid back” one and it’s easy, too easy, for me to sit back and let him do more than his share at times and then he gets wore out and miffed at me and “I” resent it. But if I really look at it, I know it’s me not doing my part. It’s hard for me to start, but I know if I don’t, he’ll resent me and I’ll have to work that much harder to let him know I “really” do love and care for him and all he does for me and our family. I’m going to apply these 10 points on a way to a great marriage relationship with my hubby! 16 years and counting :)
    Thanks for your wonderful insight.

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Done!

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Go Amy!

  • Peg

    These are all common sense practices, so why do we keep forgetting them? My husband and I have a great marriage, but there have been lots of bumps along the way. I think we have found that the most important element of a strong marriage is respect for one another. And yes, love is a choice that needs to be made over and over again; daily, and sometimes minute to minute…but it’s a choice worth making! We’ve been married 42 years, and we still even like each other!

  • Leo

    Mark, my wife and I are going through some marital issues and the Lord led me to this page via Tony Dungy, who I admire as a mentor, and I want to thank you (and Tony) for being honest godly men. Thank you for all that you are doing to help so many lives! Leo

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Leo, I’m so sorry that you are having those struggles. I hope you will persevere through your trials. It is our sincere pleasure to serve you.

  • belle

    These are all great, & will work, but only when BOTH people choose to put them into practice. When only one person is putting the other first, or not taking the other for granted, or requesting time together but the other refuses….nothing works. Counseling will not work when the other refuses to go, or reluctantly goes then refuses to cooperate.

  • Nobiora1

    Thanks so much Mark, you have made me remember my duties/ obligations to my spouse as a responsible and loving wife. I am happily married for eight years now. We are Blessed with two brilliant sons. We have had some trying periods in our marriage but we thank God for his teachings in the Holy Bible, which actually makes us to be conscious of our commitment to each other. Praise God. Shalom

  • http://www.FamilyMinute.com/ Mark Merrill

    Nobiaora1, you are so welcome! It’s our pleasure to serve you.

  • Stplro718

    I love my husband dearly. I just wish he would stop trying to change things that he feels I should change about myself. I respect his opinion but I’ve always been somewhat secluded and I like it. This week or month it’s about me calling back friends or hanging out with old friends. I am socialable but, between my husband, kids, parents, cousins and my church family. He says just call them but quite frankly I don’t feel like talking sometimes. I talk on the phone all day at work and when I get home I refuse to be on a phone. Which one of these strageties do use help him understand when I don’t want to change myself?

  • Kathy Feagin-Jones

    Thank you Mark for sharing the 10 strategies to restore an ailing marriage. I shared them with my Husband. We both agreed to practice each of them in order to keep our marriage strong and healthy. I took my mother’s advice a long time ago to practice 3 things once I got married: respect, trust and communication. This combination has been the foundation and stability of our 20 year marriage. Even when one gets angry or upset we never loose respect and we always keep open communication in order to express our true inner feelings.

  • Pingback: Love is a choice « Making the most of marriage

  • jen

    I totally agree with belle. As much as you love someone and want to be a team, confidante,friend, lover, supporter, etc.,if the other person isn`t interested in the same relationship with you, you can`t MAKE him want to. I am finally realizing this after 23 years of marraige & raising 3 children together. After several counselors, what is left to do?